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[Zrk2]

Dear Kobolds.

I don't hate you.  I really don't.  When ever I catch one of you in the cage traps that are occasionally scattered around for arena fodder I let you go free.   You aren't doing any harm, and as long as the dogs are around you stay out of the gate which is where you belong.

One of your item liberators had discovered a group of goblins sneaking their way to my fortress.  The kobold had managed to escape with some minor wounds, and had managed to inflict a good wound on one of the goblins as well of breaking their ambush before it could do harm.

I propose an alliance, you break ambush parties up for me, as that one kobold has done, and I'll make sure some choice items are left of the field to be collected at your leisure.  Instead of the usual atom smash everything not metal treatment.

I hope to see you next season.

The administration of SmoulderCrater

I wish. Toady, are you listening? 

What moral crimes did you grow up on? Kobolds are for slaughtering and taking advantage of!

[Naes Draw]

It appeals to my sense of irony. Having a lesser foe fight a greater for me. A few shiny trinkets are of little consequence, yes?

[Zrk2]

Irrelevant!

[ShadowDragon8685]

Attention Urist McEveryDwarf:

I would like to announce my intense delight in the progress which has been made at Lanternrelics in the past few years. It seems that not so long ago, mistaken breaches of the caverns were horrifying events that cost us many Steel Dwarves and would no doubt have cost us the whole fortress if we were fleshy, non-steel, non-syndrome-immune regular Dwarves. Indeed, to this day, lingering traces of the Forgotten Beast Uprising of 303 are with us in the form of infected pets who pitifully crawl around the fortress, swollen with their own blood and pus, creating trails of miasma until the poor damn things finally croak because you're too bleeding soft to give the poor damn thing a swift mercy kill.

The Danger Room has been an amazing success story, quickly and efficiently training our warriors in the arts of combat. This, it turned out, was critical recently, and I shall tell you why:

Whilst undertaking to carve out a magma-below suite of rooms for our most experienced weaponsmith, next to those of our Forgemaster, in the hopes that they will get to know each other and get it on, we were all shocked and amazed to learn that we had been banging on our magma forges a mere handful of Urist away from Adamantine. Being a curious sort, I ordered it dug down into.

I did not realize that adamantine shafts could become hollow from solid at any time. Though I ordered the breach closed as soon as we all heard those... Unearthly wails... it was all for naught, for as fast as Steel Dwarves are, demons are faster, and soon we were inundated with a swarming horde of beasts the likes of which this world was never meant to see. What else could we do? The only options we had were to abandon the forges and all those in them, forever, walling them off... Or stand up the soldiers and fight.

We fought, and we won. We won without casuality, in fact!

This experience has emboldened us, brothers, sisters. The adamantine will be mined, swords and axes forged of the legendary metal. We are going to storm Hell!

Signed, your beloved overlord, Urist McPatton.

[Ze Spy]

Hey , Urist Mcidiot

When i Asked you to Drink from a well , i didn't ask you to Drink from a Carp infested water , Now we've got a Bloody Mess to Deal with

[Loyal]

Dear Miner's Guild:

If I've designated several areas to be mined out at once, particularly in the form of several three-by-three rooms, I would prefer if you prioritized thoroughness over ease of access. Please completely dig out the designations, one area at a time, instead of buggering off with the job half done to go half-dig out another area.

I'm cool with micromanagement, but this is just counter-intuitive.
      ~O.

Dear Siege Engineers/Operators:
I understand that the oncoming goblin horde terrifies you. Really, I do. This is why I have placed you behind a trio of ballistae, a row of fortifications, and channeled out several additional plots of land in front of said fortifications. This is also why I have placed several traps in the causeway to the siege engines, thus that any particularly wily goblins will suffer casualties trying to reach you in particular.

Now, I won't begrudge you your desire to flee the oncoming danger (such as it is), but would you at least fire the already-primed ballistae at least once each before you do? Pretty please with magma on top?
      ~O.

[Carcanken]

Dear Uristmcannoyingnoble

I understand you want to keep some of our items to our own fort, that is okay. But letting us not sell limestone crafts is absurd, it is all we have. Would you rather live in a rat infested tunnel full of dead or drunken dwarves? I wouldnt. But, to lets say "bribe" you to stop doing these things, please report to the overlook on the highest cliff on the map. There is a nice cup of tea, and your favorite beer. Dont worry when a lever clicks and the ground falls under your feet.

[Greiger]

Dear Fortress guard (also known as that squad of folks with the pathetic wooden clubs under the captain of the guard)

If you must incarcerate a member of the REAL military at a noble's request, please don't tie them up in the deepest darkest rope in the dungeon.  And if you decide to do that PLEASE remember to feed them!

I just discovered one of the fortresses' best crossbowmen trying to grab at any vermin  that would come near her rope!  After watching for a moment to see that indeed nobody was coming by to feed her I ordered the rope deconstructed with one of the other members of the military happily did.

And then to add insult to gross neglect one of you bastards decided to issue a beating for prison escape.  You are extremely lucky your wooden club couldn't do any harm through her leather armor.  Or you would have been due to a freak trash compactor accident.



Dear Lancer # 4

Why and how. Why did you decide to cross a bridge you knew was going to be raised as part of standard invasion procedure on your way to your station.

And how did you get crushed by a RAISING bridge that had nothing over it?  Nothing but open sky. 

And guess what, the armorsmith is pissed.  Exactly how many masterworks were you wearing?  He made quite a few, so I would think you had to be wearing at least 3 to get him quite this steamed at the destruction of masterworks.



To Kittens

STOP EATING MY CAVE SPIDERS!

Signed,
The administration

[GaxkangtheUnbound]

Dear Draconians,
It is not smart to drink from the brook when there is an alligator ready to eat you.

[Musashi]

Dear Shorast (for a change) McHealthcareTasksEnabled,

feed the goddamn patients.
Especially when said patients are soldiers with a broken arm.

Your overseer, who quite enjoys having a new mask

[absynthe7]

Dear every single dwarf in my fort,

Clean the floor. Clean the floor. Clean the floor. Why aren't you cleaning the floor? Clean the floor. Clean the floor. There's a pile of forgotten beast extract right there. Every single one of you has cleaning active as a labor. Clean the floor. Fifteen of you are idling. The extract is in the meeting hall that you are idling in. It's right in front of you. Clean it. Clean the floor. Clean the damn floor!!!

Or all walk through it, back and forth, while idling. That's terrific.

[The Merchant Of Menace]

Dear Urdim McChildKiller - While I am aware that losing a pet can be trying (After all, I haven't forgotten the faminr of 23) was it truly necessary for you to rush into the orphanage and murder all of those children and babies? I certainly hope the hammerer kills you, as I would be very unhappy if I had to look after your wounds. Just in case you do however survive I have had an emergency hospital set up for you, it is the one on the far side of that pool of brain rotting forgotten beast extract which, had you cleaned up as ordered, wouldn't have killed your mew-mew.
Regards, your severely pissed off Mistress.

[Gr33kjester]

Dear idiots Miners,
I hope your not trying to create a union, because, your not working to standard, 5 legendary miners, all are on break, "Socialising". If you keep this up, the same will happen to you as it did to the woodworkers Union, and we don't talk about them any more...
Yours Angrily,
Comrade "Joseph" Gr33kjester
On another note,
We don't talk about the woodworkers Union, there was NEVER a woodworkers union, just some lazy woodworkers, dwarfs, UNIONS ARE BAD IDEAS!
Have fun!
Comrade "Joseph" Gr33kjester

 

[chaturga]

Dear Residents

While I welcome the occasional social get-together after all tasks are complete for the day. I need to remind you that giving birth IN FRONT of twenty partygoing dwarfs may he considered socially unacceptable by some.

Especially when you consider this is the third time this month... People have to eat in the dining room.


Regards
Overbeard

[atomicthumbs]

Dear Axedwarf:

I know it's your rotting cheese in the barracks. You carved your name into it. I know you don't want to own up to letting it rot before you could eat it, but it's making all the other soldiers sick. Please do something with it.