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[MrCompassionate]

MrCompassionate,

Did you remember to set my squad preferences to ALLOW me to sleep in my own room, and to allow me to go get food when on duty?

No?

Then who's fault is this again?

--Urist McMarksdwarfsson

Actually Urist I totally did! I also disabled all training and you had no orders yet still you industriously stood there until you later waddled off for a snack and nap time. In fact sleep in room is on by default from what I can tell anyway so I would have had to go out of my way to deprive you of that!

[Chevaleresse]

Dear Urist McVisionimpaired

How, exactly, did you manage to get yourself trapped in webs that were laying in plain sight in the middle of a wide room? Luckily for you, the producer of said web wasn't around, but one wonders how a dwarf such as yourself gets trapped by a nonliving, non-undead, non-magical, non-creature, non-moving entity.

[pisskop]

POSTED

As you know, recently necromancers have attempted to infiltrate tge fort.  Why they thought tgey could hide on a three urist wide stairwell that descends 80 zlevels we cant be sure, but we caught and executed two. Eventually got a third. Bur, tgat third one kill one of us, Nele_hrrmerblah tge lumberdwarf.

WHERE IS HIS BODY?  DID THAT. . . THING. . . REANIMATE IT AND IT WALKED AWAY?  UPAN 80 LEVEL STAIRCASE PACKED WITH TRADE GOODS? Reward offered, your choice free room or free board for three months.

[WanderingKid]

Dear Bearded Morons of FurnaceClans...

I assure you, that when I forbid the surface of stuff, I expect the surface to remain UNATTENDED.  I particularly don't expect you guys to suddenly get some urge to go surface spelunking the first time we open the front door IN OVER 30 YEARS.

We have kilometers of engravings depicting the horrors that await anyone who dawdles on the surface longer than a few moments.  We have endeavoured to build quite possibly the most dwarven undead grinder of overkill known to sentient beings.  Even the Elves quiver at the OMG.  You have to leave the confines of the burrow to even go UP there.

*facepalm* You stupid drunken beards.  WHYYYYyyyyyyyyy?!

-Overfiend.

[Ultimuh]

Dear Overfiend.

SOOOOOOCKS!

-Bearded "Morons" of FurnaceClans.

[Urist McEngraver]

Dear Cacame McWoodElf,

When I tell you to craft the wood armor again, I expect you to do it. I don't care about the rabid animals.

Sincerely, Your Kind Druid Overseer

[klefenz]

Dear Urist McSuturer

You can drink later, there's a dwarf about to die because you can't haul your ass to the hospital.
If you don't go right now I'll assign another suturer, and guess on who will he practice suturing?

[kibaseviltwin]

Dear Goblin-lovers Elf-huggers sky-drea..  Idiots,

       i, your ever caring and much smarter Overlord Expedition Leader have noticed some slight ... faults in your attention to detail and shall list them here

to Urist MCMiner why every time is it that you some how miraculously get killed by lava,  you had  9, and i made sure i counted  NINE way to escape but instead like some sort of slightly sight impaired elf you stood there and let your self swim in the lava, did you believe that it was strawberry wine or some sort of godlike moving cheese, anyway to you i bid good riddance.

to Cerol the Explorer,  hope you enjoyed that. because of your lunacy 23 dorfs will die by the Forgotten Beast's jaws, 23 innocent and happy dorfs killed in the flames of Crecol Glazedsilks flames, 23 people you dunderhead, that's two thirds of our population here at Silkstones. in fact i hope you enjoy your wooden elf-made slab.

and finally to Limbek The Noble , Stop with all of the mandates. yes i understand that you absolutely need adamantine socks, but they are not going to be made if you keep this up you might just suffer a nery fortunate accident and be dropped sown a hatch to meet Crecol Glazedsilks The Eternal Sapphire and his antmen friends.

                                                                                                                                        sincerely
                                                                                                                                             the smart one

[AWellTrainedFerret]

Dear Dorfs of Gatizingish Vathez "The Fondled Bodices of Virgins",

     For future reference, I would appreciate it if you would take but a moment of time to check whether or not one of your fellow Dorfs is standing on top of a floor grate BEFORE you deconstruct it. I would truly hope that the 6 tragic deaths we have very recently suffered, all within the last few moments of time, when I ordered ocean fishing wharf platform #3 to be dismantled can serve as a stark reminder of what may happen when basic safety measures are not followed.

                                                                                                                                                                                                      Sincerly,
                                                                                                                                                                                                      The only person who even remotely cares about you

[pisskop]

Dear soldiers of squads represent by letters a,b,d,f,h,i:

I hope you excuse me.  Somehow a caccodemon got into the fortified pillar that serves as the archery range and had fun more Fun.  I dont know how, excepting a gli-  Oh.  Carryon. (constructed fotifications, not carved)

Anywho, tge fact that it got in past any bolts and killed one of you is not excuse to curbstomp it and punch and kick it to death.  Youall had exceptional or better iron/steel weapons.  wtf, mate?

Also, Lor is pardoned for her earlier assaults.  You, all of you left her half eaten baby laying around the floor hatch.  It was a skeleton before I noticed it.  shame on you.

You exasperated manager

[AWellTrainedFerret]

Dear Migrants,

     I find the location you chose to enter the map on your way to my fortress to be a bit questionable. The map edge, 2 trees, and a sheer cliff to the ocean beach infested with undead sharks makes for a nice safe, lookout; however I'm sure that soon, as hunger and thirst set in, you will regret your decision...because I really can't be bothered with rescuing. Not that I actually want Dorfs such as yourselves to be part of my population. Maybe if you brought more than a dabbling speardwarf, 2 parents with ONLY social skills, and a child I would reconsider. But as it stand, rest assured that the masons are making 4 slabs and the engravers are on standby.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

[Akura]

Dear stone haulers(all but 3-4 or you for some reason),

While the magma resevoir for our future magma furnaces and workshops does have a shitton of stone in it, there is still plenty of stone throughout the fortress corridors, much closer to the stockpile. Indeed, getting into the resevoir requires going outside, then climbing to the top of the volcano, then into it, then back out again carrying a goddamn boulder. Please carry stone more efficiently.

Sincerely,
Overseer.

Dear Dorfs of Gatizingish Vathez "The Fondled Bodices of Virgins",

"The Fondled Bodices of Virgins"?

[Eric Blank]

Yes. The fondled bodices of virgins. Sadly, they didn't want to give up their virginity.

Dear dorfs:

Stop making so many friends. You're dooming yourselves to a horrible demise.

Sincerely, the overseer.

[fractalman]

did you believe that it was strawberry wine or some sort of godlike moving cheese:

dear overseer.
Nay. it is the holy blood of Armok himself.  If you don't wish us to bathe in it, try having your next miner channel the actual breach from above. 
-magma miner.

-p.s. slab me so i can go onto the afterlife already.

Dear stone haulers(all but 3-4 or you for some reason),

While the magma resevoir for our future magma furnaces and workshops does have a shitton of stone in it, there is still plenty of stone throughout the fortress corridors, much closer to the stockpile. Indeed, getting into the resevoir requires going outside, then climbing to the top of the volcano, then into it, then back out again carrying a goddamn boulder. Please carry stone more efficiently.

Sincerely,
Overseer.

-dear akura.
UristMcMason said those stones were better for his assigned task.  you overseers just can't seem to appreciate the fine distinctions properly... still, if you insist that particular stones not be used or hauled, you will need to say so outright.   Alternatively, have uristMcMiner drill us a faster route in, and/or allow us to use a few wheelbarrows for the stockpiles. 
-Urist McHauler.

[Jake]

Dear wizard merchants,

Will you please be careful with those bloody fireballs? You killed several of our livestock (I'm not sure about that merchant and caravan guard, but I dare say you'll be hearing from their next of kin), set fire to all the lumber and burned down the ashery, and we were lucky not to lose all the coal as well! Not to mention the fact that the front entrance now looks like Boatmurdered. All that for one kobold who hadn't even managed to nick anything.

Oh, well, looks like I'm building a sprinkler system.

Yours,

A rather frustrated Avatar of Armok