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[JarinArenos]

Dear UglyMcGoblinwarlord,

Your ambushes are cute and all, but my army is getting bored. Could you hurry up and send an invasion?

Thanks,
Urist McMayor

****
Goblins : Rar, we are an evil force of darkness...?

Solitary axe lord : BLOOD FOR ARMOK!

Goblins :OHGODRUNAWAY!

****

Dear Ugly McGoblinwussylord,

... seriously?

[EvilFuzzy9]

Dear Urist McBarrelwaster,

STOP WASTING BARRELS ON SEEDS.    THAT'S. WHAT. BAGS. ARE. FOR.  Seriously, just because the booze barrel is empty doesn't mean you can use it for whatever you want.  Booze can only be stored in barrels.  Seeds can be stored in bags and bins.  Without barrels for booze, booze cannot be made.  If you want to continue drinking booze, then quit being stupid.

Signed,
Your Frustrated Benevolent Overlord

[Silent_Thunder]

Also as a follow up

Dear Urist McComa,

How the hell did you lose all four limbs? Last time I saw you, you were at the back of the fortress, and that's where your almost-corpse was found. The Titan never made it that far. What the HFS! Are you like a gecko and shed your limbs when you feel threatened? Because if so, then you better grow those limbs back, because you are the only person who can extract Cotton Candy at a reasonable pace.

From,
The Administrator


And yes I do know I could check the combat reports, but I had a fortress of around 120 dwarves, and the titan ripped through around 70 of them, so I don't have time to check, but I'm betting it was a tantrum. On the good side I'm back above 70FPS again.

[Lord Vetinari]

Dear Urist McBarrelwaster,

STOP WASTING BARRELS ON SEEDS.    THAT'S. WHAT. BAGS. ARE. FOR.  Seriously, just because the booze barrel is empty doesn't mean you can use it for whatever you want.  Booze can only be stored in barrels.  Seeds can be stored in bags and bins.  Without barrels for booze, booze cannot be made.  If you want to continue drinking booze, then quit being stupid.

Signed,
Your Frustrated Benevolent Overlord

Reserve barrels (p menu, * to increase the number or barrel that won't be used for storage untill some job requires them).

[EvilFuzzy9]

Dear Urist McBarrelwaster,

STOP WASTING BARRELS ON SEEDS.    THAT'S. WHAT. BAGS. ARE. FOR.  Seriously, just because the booze barrel is empty doesn't mean you can use it for whatever you want.  Booze can only be stored in barrels.  Seeds can be stored in bags and bins.  Without barrels for booze, booze cannot be made.  If you want to continue drinking booze, then quit being stupid.

Signed,
Your Frustrated Benevolent Overlord

Reserve barrels (p menu, * to increase the number or barrel that won't be used for storage untill some job requires them).

(Oh.  Well, that's helpful.)

[Uzu Bash]

Dear Soldier McSurly,

I wouldn't call that a patrol duty. If you're pissed about standing around, you have your ate-the-fuck-up battle buddies to thank for that. You could've been done in minutes if they had their gear together and ready to deploy in the middle of a training month. But you got to take it out on some gobbos, well done btw, so go chill out with your light detail.

Commander-in-Chief

[Uzu Bash]

Dear Whiny McImmigrant,

Did a little rain drop on your head? Did you have to sleep in a rough-hewn bunkhouse? Recruit, did you have to stand in formation too long?

Well, you weren't here for the worst of it. I see you're taking up our mayor's valuable time, complaining about the fly in your soup when she's watched her children suffocate to death in front of her. Maybe you could learn to suck it up on your own, huh? Flies are good protein, and we have master chefs to prepare it to taste.

I could arrange you an industrial accident, but that would let you out of the tooth-shattering, bitch-slapping ass-chewing you really deserve.

[Encased in burning magma]

PS. For the love of Armok, somebody mercy kill McComa. The poor bastard just keeps flopping off his bed and falling unconcious. I hear his screams constantly, and it haunts me.

Hint: Giant Cave Spiders

No.

Hint: cave-in.

[Silent_Thunder]

Once again, busy hospital, and I fear the cavein could punch through and might reach the dorms.

[Urist McTaverish]

Dear Urist McMilitiaCommander

...

Keep up the good work.  That is all.

[Uzu Bash]

Dear Urist McWallScratcher,

That...is a masterful image of a square. No, no, a rendition of a square, since the original square is too sacred to draw.

We had high hopes for you, but I guess this is what happens when a dwarf of zero creativity manages to become a Legendary Engraver. I know, that square is the symbol of our civilization, and it makes me wonder about the engravers around when the civilization was started.

Urist McGroundPounder: Go engrave those walls. We're making a civilization here.
Urist McStonefledgeling: What should I make?
Urist MGP: Just engrave something!
Urist MSF: Uh, okay....scratches out four lines...is that good?
Urist MGP: ...it'll do.
Urist McSuperfluousObserver: It suits us. We're all about the square. Squareness R us.

[Deus Machina]

Dear Urist McLazyMiner,

You've been loitering around with 'no job' all season. You're not on break, which means you're not getting paid to sit around.

I've designated the area for the soon-to-be dining hall dug out. You've got plenty of stone to cut out, you've got picks, GET TO WORK.

Sincerely,
  The overseer that's going to send you down to deal with that giant toad, if you don't feel like working on that rock.

[Gr33kjester]

Dear Urist McMilitiaCommander

...

Keep up the good work.  That is all.

Wait, A NOBLE IS DOING GOOD?!

[Gr33kjester]

Dear Urist McNewMayor (Comrade 20),
Thank you, for your mandates, you have saved the fortress, in more than 2 ways, first of all, you order 3 STEEL WEAPONS to be made, that saved me from a siege, then 3 STEEL shields, also helped, then you order me to make Plaster, to help the wounded soldiers, THANK ARMOK Urist McOldMayor (Comrade 33) got killed by a raccoon...
Oh and Urist McMiner (Comrade 1),
DON'T F*CKING COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR LIFE, YOU HAVE AN AWESOME BEDROOM, AN LEGENDARY DINING ROOM, WHO CARES ABOUT THAT KITTEN!
Yours Depressed and with slight drunkenness
Comrade Gr33kjester

[Schmlok]

Dear baby Muthkat,

     I'm sorry for all the crap that happened to you, you had so much promise.

     Your mother carried you into ranged combat and used you as a shield.  Luckily not so well.
     You crawled across the fort twice, because your father nor the medical staff would pick you up.
     You almost starved and died of thirst 3 times on that trip.

     It's a shame I accidentally built a wall diagonal to a ramp outside during a siege, the day after you became a child.