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[tahujdt]

Dear Ponies McPonypony
Re: The giant radscorpions

I understand that, given you are locked out on the surface, starving, absorbing radiation like a Chernobyl goat, and running away from giant radioactive scorpions, you are quite busy. However, when you get the chance, please pile all of the bodies neatly next to the hatch so's I can retrieve them easily afterwards.
Yours, the Overstallion

[thefish1992]

(conversation recorded between Overseer thefish1992 and the orc scribe Messianicdisloyalty)

NO. you want a orichulam cabinet? then you can stop barring the trade of crowns. we have 73 of those glorified tiaras, and i'm getting tired of these interfering with trade. either drop the ban or i will have you repla BOOM!!!
(end of recording)

Message to sent to all Able-body military personnel of Lyingmoths.
I need all of you that can still stand to get to the trading depot (or whats left of it) now! i don't know what happened but the entire area just went up in smoke and their are 14 zombies milling about in it, no wait only 5 are left, but i need you to take those zombies out before they get to any civilians.

Warning sent to all non military orcs in Lyingmoths.
Please stay up on the high grounds for now. I know you all have a lot of work to do down their but if you didn't notice the entirety of the low grounds is now a inferno, you all are going to have to stay and the Burning Orc Tavern for now while the military sort this mess out ok? and yes mason i already knew your jobs were canceled, you don't have to tell me.

Message sent to Warlock traders guild.
Dear Warlock Traders,
Re: Concerning the incident 253 Moonstone

I have put up with quite a lot from you already what with your traders necromancy, but this went to far, when not only you, the deep dwarves, and the my taiga orc brethren show up to trade at once i was worried something would happen, but this?!
somehow you lot not only blew up my trade depot, all nearby paved roads, the doors of the nearby building, and setting the entire lower area of the map on fire, but you also killing everyone and everything including the other merchants, yourselves, and all of the animals brought to trade at the trade depot, 9 of the zombies one of your necros raised, 3 of my military and no less than one skunk in the initial blast. We will be claiming a recompense payment from the next caravan you send to cover damages.
On a personal note? Just between you and me. that was the most fun I've had in while please keep coming to trade with us.

Your bemused trade partner thefish1992

[Dunamisdeos]

Dear Urist McMedicinalDabbler,

The late Urist McAxedwarf was missing his goddam right arm, why did it take you 2 weeks to diagnose it? Were you trying to locate the missing appendage? Were you consulting the handbook? Maybe you were contemplating how to breathe magma? That last one is something you might want to spend some more time considering.

Make sure to pack a magma safe lunch,
The Overseer

---------------------

Dear Urist McMason,

We are still under siege, you may note. You may also note the gaping hole in the wall, right next to the overland farms. Please feel free to MOVE YOUR BELARDED A** OFF OF THE CONSTRUCTION SITE BEFORE ATTEMPTING TO FINISH THE WALL so that we can make ourselves safe fro-. Oh no, I see. The goblin/troll/cave dragon horde is past the gap. Instead, please report to your designated siege vault. It's the one we locked Urist Longtooth-Paleskin in 37 years ago. I hear he's friendly.

Make sure to bring some ketchup,
The Overseer

---------------------

Dear Urist McLeverpuller

I'm sure you've noticed the chaos enveloping our prosperous fortress as of late. You can stop this. All I you need to do i-. Oh. Well no, no I see. You're tired, and need to sleep. Immediately. No, I understand. It would put you in a bad mood to forgo your afternoon nap. Just make sure to let me know when you've finished, we do have an onslaught to stem.

I'll just be in my room, destroying all of the furniture, and maybe striking anyone who happens by.

Make sure to bring the punch,
The Overseer

[MrSparky]

Dear Urist McMayor;

You are over 5% of the population. That said you are useful to me only when the tall folk come to visit and even that is debatable as we haven't actually traded goods in years. You are both replacable and disposable. Remember that before you make your next mandate.

[Mr Space Cat]

Dear Urist McDoctors

Stop using the adamantine strands, you jackasses. We have loads of silk and hair threads for your specific needs. Not only that, but this thread is kept right next to the hospital. Why would you walk further down than necessary to use strands of GODMETAL when useless hair works just as well?

Hear that? That's the sound of my palm hitting my face. don't make me do that again.

Yours, dah ovuhseeya

[foop]

Dear Urist McGrumpypants,

I understand that you are unhappy with your tattered and worn clothing.  It would shame any right-thinking dwarf.  My question is, why are you ignoring the room full of masterwork socks?  You can have all of them if it makes you happy.

Alternatively, I can lock you in a small room and drop socks on your head until you die.  It's your call.

The Overseer.

[Durmatagno]

Dear UristMcHunter

Please stop wailing on that Ogre, you've used a full 200 jagged bone arrows on it, and its still trying to run, and succeeding half the time. Your a Orc, learn when to stop trying to kill something. Go hunt those elk over there cowering in the corner. On that note.

Dear UristMcWoodCutter

Can you tell me where the hell you got that candy axe, and why your using it to cut wood, unlike all the other Orcs who are using iron?

Dear UristMcSlaveLabour

I captured you in a raid, why the hell do you think we'll feed you, a filthy dwarf, twice as much as the Orcs in this fortress, and why we'll give you our precious booze, we're extremely low. STAHP or dump you in the reservoir with the vampire corpse.

.............................

Dwarf Fort

Dear UristMcAllSmiths

Where the hell is that cotton candy coming from, I've not even breached the second cavern yet, let alone the candy.

Dear Captured FB

Thank you for having a very mild dust, short nausea is very mild compared to the one that melted off the faces. Your diamond skin and inability to attack otherwise makes you perfect for practice. When the next wave arrives, the useless ones go to you for food instead of the trolls in the arena next to you.

Sincerely, Armok's avatar #323452, Durmatagno.

[WillowLuman]

Dear Quarks, Leptons, and Gluons,

Hi. Dwarves should not go through solid walls. Why are you shirking your duties as things which cannot occupy the same space at the same time?

[Durmatagno]

Dear Urist McSaneDwarf

I applaud you for retaining sanity after demons slaughtered 154 dwarfs, and the others all died in the hospital. I applaud you for slowly, but diligently colonizing hell, and I applaud you for killing seven demons with an iron pick. However, I ask that you shoot Friendly Demon Bob sitting in that corner over there. You stare at him and he stares back anytime your on break, I know you talk, and I know that when your done, and ready to get back to work, he, sounding very bored, tells you how he plans to kill you. This does NOT mean your friends. Stop trying to give him water, you can't walk on the water he's trapped behind. My biggest question is, why is it when your not working he's labeled friendly, and when you are, he's hostile and makes you shit yourself? What did you do..................Bob is a chick....................okay, what did you do to Jenny to make her/him/it so friendly when your lazy? Also, please refrain from rescuing the cats I'm feeding him/her/it, they are being fed to the demon because we have 54 of them running around, and their spamming build cancellations. Once the next migrants arrive in two months, you'll be retired back to making weapons and furniture in your personal palace, until them, please refrain from slipping inside the sewage pipe.

From, your sanity, Durmatagno.

[Lolfail0009]

That's quite the dwarf.

[Devling]

That's quite the dwarf.

Indeed. This requires deeper inquiry.

[Eric Blank]

I honestly must see a demonstration of this behaviour to fully believe you're telling the truth, and comprehend just what you mean...

[WillowLuman]

Yes, screenshot of units menu please

[Lolfail0009]

In layman's terms...
PIX OR IT DIDN'T HAPPEN

[Spacespinner]

Dear Expedition Leader

Congratulations on the name you chose for our expedition on the one time I decided not to hit random a few times and just went with whatever it would be. No, I'm genuinely impressed. "The Roof of Women" is sure to impress the nearby dwarven settlements and draw in migrant waves like crazy.

Son, I am proud.