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[Lielac]

Dear Urist McCatlover,

Please report to Lever #34 immediately.

P.S. Don't worry about the randomly locking doors, a trained technician will be along shortly to fix the issue.

[Silent_Thunder]

Dear Urist McPossesedChild,

While I understand that whatever vision has filled you head may be of the utmost importance, I regret to inform you that the entire workshop level has been flooded with magma after your father had a tantrum and pulled the entire wall's worth of levers. And as we are busy tending to the dozen and a half wounded or so, we will not have time to build an entire array of shops for hoping to stumble across the correct one. Besides, you're probable going to build an oak barrel encrusted with oak of something like that.

From,
The Administrator


Dear Urist McPossesedChild,
While not having a workshop for your unimaginable creation may be heartbreaking for you, could you at least loiter somewhere besides the 1 tile wide evacuation hallway? Thanks to you we have lost 6 fine dwarves as rescue workers attempted to crawl over you to reach the area. As such, I will not have any regrets when the tunnel is sealed with you still in it.

From,
The Administrator


Dear Urist McMother,
No I don't care your son and husband are dead, they were both dicks. I hope when you jump off that cliff you survive the impact and bleed out slowly. It's the least you can do to amend for the 30 deaths your husband and son caused.

Love,
The Administrator

[Killing Time]

Attention All Citizens:
The stockpile next to the millstone has whip vine enabled for a reason. It's the same reason whip vine has been forbidden in all the other stockpiles. This reason is that that when some douchebag decides it's a good idea to store the vine in some random stockpile in the depths of the fortress, Peg is forced to run 400 squares in order to make us that lovely flour.
It's just common sense to store the shit in the closer stockpile, even if it wasn't forbidden from the other ones. From now on any dwarf seen going down stairs with whip vine in hand will be locked in the cells to starve. This policy will remain in effect until either a stack of whip vine pancakes appears on my desk or we run out of dwarves.

Captain Abdul Skywheels the Pulley of Summits

[Uzu Bash]

Hey, knucklehead

You could be doing something fruitful instead of digging yourself out of the walls you yourself built. Again.

[TolyK]

Dear Urist McLeverpuller

I know which lever I told you to pull. Now move your ass over there and pull the damn lever!

Sincerely,
<Doctor, you are wanted on the red phone>
(Oh shit...)

[Musashi]

To one of my many legendary engraver and her woodcrafter husband,

for fuck's sake, stop breeding. You're not even depressed whenever one of your extremely weak, dumb (or both!) child dies because you have so many of them and have ADD. I'm pretty sure I care more for them than you do.
Are you cousins or something? I swear, for every positive physical trait one of your kid has, they are absurdly weak in all other ways, not to count those who don't even have any quality. No, seriously, you don't bring anything useful nor to my fortress, nor to the gene pool of potential soldiers. You know, the guys who are there to ensure neither of you will get eaten by goblins. Or forgotten beasts. Or both.
You're all waste of perfectly good alcohol!

No love,

Your overseer who should make one of you a widow, it's not like you will notice anyway

[Jordrake]

To the residents of my fortress,

If it's any consolation, you have my pity.

Your lord and master.

[eue]

The Urist McWantToEatThatDamnGiantOlmTripeICannotEvenSeeYet:

Just grab some of the masterpiece meals our legendary cook keeps spitting out of his kitchen that happens to be in those barrels right next to you. I won't be spoon-feeding you anytime soon. There's no way I'm going cave exploring because you smelled some delicious tripe.

[Gr33kjester]

Dear Urist McMayor,
I've said this once, I'VE SAID THIS ONE MILLION (MARX) TIMES!
YOU CAN NOT HAVE SLADE DOORS, YOU GOT 20/35 OF YOUR CITIZENS KILLED BECAUSE OF THAT...
Now, comrade, go into Room 101, your new room is in there...
Yours
Comrade No 1

[Uzu Bash]

Dear Count ShitForBrains,

Only 1 barrel of dwarven ale out of 40 is in the room with the rotting, stinking, burning carcass, in the room absolutely furthest away from your suite, which has a barrel of dwarven ale parked for convenience. So...you just had to bring your guest the human law-giver all the way down there?

And Mr. Clearbowels, with a name like that you're probably still getting over the cruelty of grade school, so I don't need to give you any more hell.

[Urist McTaverish]

Dear Count ShitForBrains,

Only 1 barrel of dwarven ale out of 40 is in the room with the rotting, stinking, burning carcass, in the room absolutely furthest away from your suite, which has a barrel of dwarven ale parked for convenience. So...you just had to bring your guest the human law-giver all the way down there?

Dear Overseer
Subject: RE. Carcass
I was simply trying to impress upon my guest the need for good diplomatic relations, showing him what we do to people we don't like.

Count Shitforbrains

[Samuel]

Dear hunter military guy I sent to kill a camel so we don't all starve,

Lemme explain a few things to you. That quantum artifact crossbow you claimed for yourself? we spent a lot of wood making that. Many dwarves had to go without beds for some time. Those wooden bolts I made? They were specifically for you to use with said crossbow. You being drafted to the military? Simply because I could no longer wait for you to get up off your ass and kill us some dinner. so, my question, I think is simple. When you were ordered to go kill that camel...

Why the fuck did you drop off the crossbow in the fucking weapon stockpile to go kill the fucking camel with your bare hands?!

But perhaps I'm being too harsh. After all, was I honestly expecting you to put the simplest bit of logic to use? Tell you what, if I specifically assign you the use of the crossbow in the military menu, and you actually use it to put some meat on the table, we can forget this ever happened. If the above does not occur, you will be chained down in the caverns, surrounded by cage traps, and used as Cave Crocodile bait.

Signed,
Your Relatively Lenient Overseer

[Musashi]

Dear Urist McDiagnoser,

do your Armokdamned job. I swear I'll abandon you in the caverns where two venomous forgotten beasts lurk.
DO WHAT YOU ARE BEING PAID IN BEER FOR.

Love,
the overseer who seriously wished she didn't have to write letters every day

EDIT: follow-up to my previous letter:

There. Your friggin' nth kid got kidnapped. Serves you well. I love it when goblins help me do my job.

[Greiger]

To Peasant.

I warned you.  I was happy for a moment that you seemed to have forgotten about the mystery item you had insisted on storing.   But today you decided to continue.

That is why you currently find yourself locked in the artifact vault.  No, I would not try to claw your way out.  The walls are solid iron.  In fact I believe you constructed a couple blocks of it.  At any rate as you have noticed the artifacts have temporarily been relocated so you can die without risk to the useless objects.

Yes I am aware this is not a very origonal or spectacular way to kill you, but as I mentioned in the previous letter to you, execution is not my thing, I haven't had the practice to develop a truly horrible death for you.  If anybody asks, you died in an unfortunate re-walling accident.  Rest assured, that the moment you stop breathing your corpse will be retrieved and placed in a coffin to not draw attention, and the diagnoser that will do the medical investigation is on my payroll.  Can't have anyone suspecting foul play after all.

Enjoy your slow death.
The Administration.

P.S. I see you used the temporary drafting to place you in the artifact lockdown as an excuse to grab a waterskin full of water.  Well played, peasant, well played.  But you only delay the inevitable, you neglected the backpack of food.  All your actions have done is change your fate from dehydration to starvation.

[Samuel]

Addendum to Hunter Military Guy I sent to kill a camel,

Okay... I will cede that you did indeed pick up the artifact crossbow after I assigned it. You even picked up ammo, of your own initiative. You don't know how happy that made me. And yes, you did in fact attack with the crossbow. So I just have one more little question.

Did it occur to you at any point to actually fire some of those arrows from the crossbow? rather than carry along while you swung about that very expensive and likely very fragile artifact like a club?

I'm afraid my patience is at an end. cage traps are being constructed to surround a 1-tile burrow occupied by you and only you. I figure if you're able to attack, a small miracle will happen and you might stun a forgotten beast while it stands on the trap, and more than make up for the trouble you've caused me with the ultimate in Sealed Evil In A Can. But I don't have high hopes for you.

Signed,
Your Overseer, sans patience.

PS you don't get to keep the crossbow.