Print

Please login or register.
1 Hour 1 Day 1 Week 1 Month Forever
Login with username, password and session length

[Flaede]

Dear Urist,

I know I haven't spoken to you, individually, in some time. The labours you immigrated with? Yes, it's true that I haven't given out any jobs for cheesemakers or small animal squishing processing since you arrived. It's not you, it's me. I just can't find the time to create an entire new industry base.

That said, you're going to have a lot more personal dirction from me soon.
Please report to the Sgt. at Arms at 0900 tomorrow, and recieve your new barracks assignment and gear. Yes, that's right, Uncle Armok wants YOU to join the Army!

 - Andrew

[Orangebottle]

Dear Urist,

See this diagram here?
U0----fortress
This is you building a wall.
After you're done building said wall, please take your time and ponder your reasons for walling yourself out of the fortress.
This diagram shows what you should've done:
0U----fortress
We have also heard your complaints about how cold it is in the fortress proper, so we put your workshop, living space, and food stockpile right above the magma pipe. You should be nice and toasty once you get settled.

Sincerely,
Mayor Bridgeflayed.

-----

Dear Mrs. Urist,

We are terribly sorry for your loss. It would seem that, apon entering his new quarters, your husband slipped and hit a lever designed to make the floor collapse. We are unsure as to why this lever was even hooked up. However, the Hammerer will be by in a few minutes to discuss the table you threw at Solon and her infant child, which killed said child and put Solon in the hospital.

Sincerely,
Mayor Bridgeflayed.

[*Poster*]

Dear Urist McCivilian,

I have now received repeated complaints from both members of our fortress military that you seem to consider the barracks to be yours to sleep in at will. I do not understand why, exactly, as I have taken pains to ensure that every dwarf or family has a room for themselves. The barracks are for the exclusive use of our military, who I remind you has been training these past months in order to prevent another debacle like last year's goblin ambush. I am aware that, if your tasks take you to the surface, you will find the barracks closer than your own bedroom if you feel the sudden need for a nap; however, I can assure you that in the event of another attack, the barracks is the last place you want to be caught napping.

Sincerely, The Management

PS: I don't know who put that small assortment of items in the cistern's inlet, and I don't know why you refused to touch said assortment of items for so long that I was forced to fill the reservoir despite them being swept into the cistern proper, but I hope you like the fact that the chamber which took us many months to mine, smooth, and then empty of rubble is now polluted.

[NewsMuffin]

Dear Mountain Home,

Please, no matter what you hear, please send more migrants.

Sincerely,
NewsMuffin

Dear Legendary Engraver,

While I sincerely thank you for your contributions to this fortress, most of us would not like to be constantly reminded of the death of your pet cat, and your injuries by giant bats, and elk birds. We are dearly sorry for your loss, but we would rather see happier things like working dwarves, or victorious battles.

Sincerely,
NewsMuffin

[Medicine Man]

Dear Urist McIbrokemynailwahwah

You do not need medical treatment for a broken nail plea-Urist McIbrokemynailwahwah has succumbed to infection
So he DID need treatment after all 

[dwarfguy2]

dear dwarf:

i, for one, think you superior to every other character in every other game, as you can actually move sideways out of danger. as such, i shall continue letting your species survive.

signed in blood,

your cruel and merciless god.

[Nat]

Attention citizens of Elotobok,

As you may be aware, I have been spending the last few months building mechanisms and trying to set up a system of traps in order to defend our grand hamlet of Buckpillar. However, due to the inability of you morons to move the mechanisms anywhere close to where I am constructing the traps, progress has been incredibly slow. In fact, progress is so slow that I have given up on the project, and instead have carved myself a nice little home of my own behind the mechanic's workshop. You might have noticed it, had any of you been down this way to pick up some of the mechanisms in the last year. But no, you were all too busy sitting around in the dining hall, twiddling your thumbs like elves.

Good luck defending yourselves against the coming siege, you're going to need it. Don't worry about me, I'm quite safe in here. Oh, and a friendly warning: don't bother trying to follow me down here, you'll only die a very messy death. Not that the death would bother me particularly, but spleen is so hard to get out of those nice, sharp serrated discs.

Sincerely,
Nil Naturalurns
Mechanic

[Medicine Man]

Dear Urist Mcminer

Please stop complaining about the hot stone,it is hot because of the magma tunnels that you dug under it so if I hear another word of you saying "ah canne do it,the stone is just too hot" you will be dumped into the magma below

Yours sincerly,Angry Player.

[Greiger]

Dear Crossbow military,

     I know you are doing a good job defending our fortress.  And I appreciate that.  You doing so did require me to redesign all of the fortifications completely so that the only places you can stand when I tell you to man the walls are useful positions because you take the stationing position as a vague suggestion and kept standing in the ammo stockpile instead of someplace you can shoot at goblins, but I am past that at this point.

     However the last siege has shown another grievous error in your methods.  Yes it was a large invasion force.  And I understand you running out of ammo.  I even appreciate the fact that you did not charge into the fray swinging your crossbow like a damn fool.  But standing around on the fortifications with your thumb up your ass because you ran out of ammo is not acceptable when you are literally standing on a full ammo stockpile.

    I would also appreciate it if you would shoot the goblins that are shooting at you.  I understand that the goblin swordmaster is a very dangerous, high priority threat.  But after he has more bolts in him than are in any of your quivers, I think it may be safe to choose a new target.

Sincerely,
The one keeping you all alive.

P.S. I know where you live.

[scira]

Dear Urists Mcstrangemood
What is this "shell" and "silk" that you keep ranting about, no dwarf in the entire fortress has ever seen such a material. Clearly you are insane and must be killed in the excruciating manner of being ripped apart by killer poodles or dehydration and sobriety. The choice is yours, thank you for your understanding.

Sincerely,
Your supreme commander.

[Internet Kraken]

Dear Aban Nicatuvar,

You may be wondering why you have been reassigned to the position of digger. It is because we need a replacement after the demise of Avuz Zoluthkol.

Now don't get the impression that this is a dangerous job. No, Avuz was the first casualty we had in this profession. You see, Avuz was apparently a moron. When given an order to pierce the ocean wall in order to fill the flooding chamber, he did not run back to the saftey of the Fortress. Rather than take shelter behind the door like any sane Dwarf, he instead charged straight into the ocean. Of course his pathetic swimming skills were not enough to save him from the torrent of water. This all could have been averted if he had used his head and ran back the way he came instead of entering the ocean.

So to you and all other diggers I say this; use your damn head. Becuase nobody is going to fish your corpse out of the ocean to give it a proper burial, not that you would deserve it.

From Baron Kraken.

[caknuck]

Attention passengers:

Due to overbooking, the migrant wagon to Merchantmansions is full. All luggage must be checked, except for axes, picks and crossbows (which may be carried on) and pet cats (which will be abandoned at the terminal - it's either that or upright spikes at the fort, sorry Urist.) Furthermore, all checked luggage will be chasmed.

Thank you for choosing Dastot Wagonways.

[TheDarkJay]

Dear Urist McWeaponsmith

I greatly appreciate that you're so devoted to your work. After you got whatever idea you have in your head, I'm impressed by the way you kicked Urist McArmorer out of his Forge and Armour production for our small under-equipped army. In truth, it was amazing to watch as you ran around and seemingly claimed, one by one, one of every precious metal in our bar stockpile. Truly, the weapon you are designing must be of great might and power.

But please, listen to me when I say this, because I can't stress it enough: We have no silk. We have no means to produce silk. We have no means to produce the means required to produce silk. Please, just forget about the silk and make me my artefact ultimate weapon.

Yours Sincerely,
Urist McReallyHopingTheCaravanComesInTime, Overseer

[Spaghetti]

Dear cave swallowmen

Thank you for taking out the forgottten beast Khib

HE was a mighty giant snail with wings that you speared with great accuracy a tower cap spear.

Perhaps if you werent enemies we would let you in the fort but seeing as how this letter will explode in 10 seconds you wont be worrying about this anymore.

- Found in dwarf museum... it did not explode.

[Urist Imiknorris]

Dear Urist McWeaponsmith

I greatly appreciate that you're so devoted to your work. After you got whatever idea you have in your head, I'm impressed by the way you kicked Urist McArmorer out of his Forge and Armour production for our small under-equipped army. In truth, it was amazing to watch as you ran around and seemingly claimed, one by one, one of every precious metal in our bar stockpile. Truly, the weapon you are designing must be of great might and power.

But please, listen to me when I say this, because I can't stress it enough: We have no silk. We have no means to produce silk. We have no means to produce the means required to produce silk. Please, just forget about the silk and make me my artefact ultimate weapon.

Yours Sincerely,
Urist McReallyHopingTheCaravanComesInTime, Overseer

open cavern ->build loom ->Collect Webs/R ->Weave Thread into Silk/R