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[ZzarkLinux]

While wandering in the swamps, you see something stuck in the bramble. It is an arrow, with a note attached.

12th Timber yr.452
Dear Dwarf Merchants,

I laud you for your wisdom.

Most caravans, upon seeing our zombie horde, would still gamble on reaching our Trade Depot. But you are wise - you fled the map after things started going south.
Though I must confess, it was quite the spectacle for a while. The zombies did not follow your brethren in the typical "conga line". No, they actually swarmed after Urist in true zombie fashion. I've not seen the horde so lively in months.

Still, we send our deepest condolences.

If you do get this message, please inform the mountainhome that their liason has fallen. He was brained before your fellow spearguard (who also fell) could reach him. We request another liason next year, and we will hopefully have the place a little better controlled.

Sincerely,
Kotonoa
RabbitHut, the Creepy Murky Shelter

[Splint]

Dear goblins of... Wherever the hell.

Stop attacing this place. There's nothing of real value here except bone crafts which I know you can make yourselves. Seeing as you usually operate in your best interests, attacking Glacialhell seems to go against that. I mean for the love of god, some of your men are coming back in peices and your general along with his entire bodyguard detail fled a battle without fighting after your men ran into the mighty icegate Dreamsmasher The Ender of Goblins. In response to your stupidity, I am building a massive middle finger in my central courtyard, so you may be properly greeted every time you step in our realm.

Thank you,
Overseer of Glacialhell.

[GreatWyrmGold]

Dear Splint,
Take your cheese/lye/soap maker problems and multiply them by immortality before dividing by having to build towers instead of digging little holes in the ground. We need to send those armies out! If they lose, we get rid of the rabble; if we win, free homes for them and more materials to build towers from!
Sincerely,
Master of the Hells of Wherever.

[Pyre]

Dear Urist McCarpenter#3,

I saw what you did there. Taking down that bridge right as Urist McEngraver#2, your grudge, was walking over it, and then calling it a "construction accident" was quite clever. You are lucky that he/she/it was mostly useless, and that you are the only carpenter who gets anything done. Still, if you have to kill someone, don't do it as I am watching, and don't dump the body in the river, that's where we get our water from.

Regards,
Overseer McYourGod

P.S., If it happens again, you will be exploring the curious *thing* we found in the caverns. NAKED.

[Aigre Excalibur]

Dear Dwarven Militia:

It is with greatest contempt that I have to acknowledge how 30 of your number were slaughtered by a single goblin swordsmen with a severed foot. This invader waltzed through a corridor filled with traps, lost his foot in the process, and proceeded to kill our entire standing army. After which, he helped himself to our women and children before finally collapsing somewhere near the entrance from blood lost while on the way to greet our new migrants.

Now he periodically regains consciousness to stab the odd passerby. And no one has been dwarf enough to put him down.

I have run out of coffins. You louts can go rot on the floor.

The rest of the fortress has turned suicidal.

And I have enough of you clowns.

Your fustrated overseer:
Aigre

[Jake]

Dear wizard merchants,

Will you kindly instruct the pyromancers on your staff to be more careful where they sling those bloody fireballs? We couldn't find enough left of poor Lorbam to bury, to say nothing of the loss of half our livestock and about a quarter of our good growing land being totally ruined.

Fortunately for you, your trigger-happy colleague barbecued himself taking out the other kobold thief. We're taking what we can salvage from the charred remains of his wagon as compensation, and are prepared to leave it at that. This time.

Yours,

Avatar of Armok #2717281, "Jake", on behalf of the dwarves of Avuzbumal.

[Sus]

Dear Uquur Risasberu, Human merchant:

Y U no trade?! 

-Sus, Acting Mayor, Trialfires (N00b Fortress!)

[edit]
And the same goes double for you booze-addled morons refusing to deal with the merchants the one time we get them to depot still alive and sound of mind! Thanks to your foolishness, we got zero chances to foist our useless crap onto unsuspecting caravaneers, and also zero bars of steel, iron, pig iron or even tin we need to make proper weapons and armour. Were it not that you became someone else's problem this Spring, I'd wish you all a horrible death.
[/edit]

[Aigre Excalibur]

Dear Urista-Mama:

Please stop clobbering the new militia draftees with furniture as they try to hold off the legendary sword-goblin with the severed foot. When the goblin is through with them he WILL rape you. Please wait patiently for your turn, and do not mar the experience for others with your tantrums.

Legendary Sword Goblin with a severed foot:

Great and mighty Ulfric, you alone have withstood our traps and our torrents of missiles when all your comrades were slaughtered and maimed. Then you routed our army as if they were children. None alive may compare with your glory and valour. We are humbled by your mighty sword, and gladly offer you our goods as spoils...

But please, Put that baby down. It's not for eating. Have a kitten meat - yak Spleen - turkey hen egg omelette wrap instead. It's much better for your body and soul.


Dear Militia Commander,

Stop hiding in your room while your wife beats up the new recruits while they are being torn apart by the goblin swordsman. You sir, are a rotten coward, and a poor excuse for a dwarf.

Dear surviving dwarves:
I like half of you more than I should, and I don't know half of you as well as you deserve.
But I regret to announce, that this is the end.
I'm going now...
good bye.

Signed,
The overseer

Found by an escape tunnel through an incomplete sewer system.

[WillowLuman]

Dear Grass,

Why do you torment me so? Apparently you have undergone rapid evolution, either to assume a predator role or for severe defense mechanisms. I would ask that you please revert back to the natural order, and not randomly immolate.

Sincerely [paper too burnt to read past this point]

[Splint]

Dear goblins.
Now you have a reason to attack this miserable shitpit in the ice: The Bank of Glacialhell. Should you conquer the fortress, you will have a wealth of platinum coins, gems, masterpiece weapons (if we get a weaponsmith to that point) and artifacts for you to plunder. However, do note once you get past the dwarves, there will be a number of crundle mines, dogs, cave crocodiles and giant cave spiders waiting for you, as well as generous sprinklings of weapon traps. And I took away your ranged weapons.

Come at us bros,
Glacialhell.

[Berossus]

Dear marksdwarves of the Constructive Crystals:

That T-shaped item in your hands is called a "Cross-Bow". As the name implies, it is made for shooting, like a bow, but better to hold and aim. That long pointy things in your round tube-shaped bags? Those are Bolts. You use them in combination with a crossbow to kill stuff. Like that trolls in the shooting pit right before your eyes.
The crossbow is used to accelerate the bolts to a velocity which is usually sufficient to drive the metal point through the armored shell of the target, in your case that troll over there, and pierce its soft inner core.

Please, for the love of Armok, shoot it. Take the crossbow in your hand, load it with a bolt from your quiver, and shoot the troll. Try it. Just fucking try it.
I swear to god, if you dont start shooting things anytime soon, ill have you painted green and thrown in the pit, Armok help me, you will do some archery, and if its only passively.

[Niccolo]

Dear Grass,

Why do you torment me so? Apparently you have undergone rapid evolution, either to assume a predator role or for severe defense mechanisms. I would ask that you please revert back to the natural order, and not randomly immolate.

Sincerely [paper too burnt to read past this point]

I have seen a lot of letters written in this thread. Letters to idiot dwarves, clever dwarves, malfunctioning mechanisms, lizard-people...

You are the first I have ever met who would write a letter to grass. So, you know, kudos.




Dear Urist McFurnaceOperators:

I have incredibly limited supplies of metal, so I don't need the extra limitations that you have placed on my smiths by not doing any damn work. I don't know what you are doing, but you've managed to smelt down about six rocks. Hit double digits or I'm firing you out of a water cannon.

[Ki11aGhost]

Dear Urist McMiner,

You're my only miner. You're not allowed to take season-long breaks. There's work to be done.

Sincerely,
Someone who wishes you'd get off your ass and mine something.

[GreatWyrmGold]

HugoLuman: Something probably set the grass on fiire. Something...hidden.

Niccolo: Assign less lazy furnace operators.

[MantisMan]

Dear Urist McFurniture hauler,

While I appreciate that you are conscientious enough to grab that stray wheelbarrow in the new well that was just about ready, I would have preferred it if you ignored the wheelbarrow and instead rescued the armoursmith who brought the wheelbarrow in and was drowning at the bottom of the well. You're just lucky that other dwarves with his skillset and better arrived in the following migration wave.