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[ledgekindred]

Dear Goblins
I have no idea how you did it, but before we broke your siege you managed to kill just about every useful dorf in my fort.  Now I have a bunch of milkers, cheese makers, bowyers and so forth, milling about, getting unhappy thoughts, tantrumming and going mad from all the dead bodies.  The dead bodies being the ones of all my legendary miners, smiths, stone crafters, furnace operators, cooks, brewers and planters.  Next time do you think you can aim for the others instead?

Dear Useless Peons,
You are now all in the military, on account of my previous military having all died to save your useless asses.

Dear Urist McAbsent,
I can only hope that whichever one of you failed to pull the lever to close the drawbridge died in the ensuing chaos.  I not yet prepared for dozens of goblins, including weapon masters, riding on the backs of war jabberers, cave crawlers and blind cave bears.  Locking them out while I got things ready sure would have been nice and would have prevented the deaths of 2/3 of my fort.

Dear Urist McDeadbaron,
I actually miss you.  All you ever asked of your subjects was to create the occasional coffin, and to not sell said coffins to traders.  Perhaps you were prescient, seeing the need for hundreds of coffins in the near future.

Dear Migrants,
We could actually use some about now.  We're down to only 50 dorfs, and none of them have any useful skills.  Of course I know I will get a bunch of fish cleaners and cheese makers, but at least I can start assigning you to more useful tasks and attempt to recover from this disaster.

Yrs Frustratedly
Omniscient Overseer

[SRD]

Dear children,

Santa isn't real in this fortress, so please stop coming.

Love, Overseer.

[Morpha]

Dear Chief Medical Dwarf, please go tend to my last legendary miner, we need to continue digging out our fortress and the poor dwarf lost her leg fighting off a were lizard which killed the other legendary miner. You have a whole team who can deal with the wound, JUST GO DIAGNO- *Urist McDoctor has withdrawn from society*

Dear Urist Mclegendary Miner. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but the one dwarf with diagnostic ability out of a fortress of 92 has decided now is the best time to ignore all current duties and work on a pet project of his. All the best in the next world, it can hardly be worse than leaking blood through the entire fortress while everyone watches.

*Urist Mclegendary Miner has died from loss of blood*

Any dwarf can diagnose, and even if the diagnosis is wrong they will usually still stop the blood loss.

I'm just going to go drop some lye makers in lava now....

[newbonomicon]

The Elfs don't like when we chop down soap now?

Soap is made from tallow and lye.
Tallow is made from animal fat, which is okay.
However, lye is made from ash.
Ash is made from wood.
Wood is made from trees.

This means that, in addition to their dirty hippie lifestyles, elves have a secondary reason to dislike soap.

[SRD]

STINKY BASTARDS.

[ledgekindred]

Dear RNG
Thank you for sending me a migrant with mediocre Weaponsmithing skills and then causing him to almost immediately go into a fey mood.

Dear Urist McWeaponsmith
Thank you for picking up that steel bar very first thing after getting your mood.  At the very least I can be reassured I'm not going to get a tin warhammer.  Now please make something nice and cutty and not a steel blowgun.

Yrs Anticipatorily,
Omniscient Overseer

[jaxy15]

Dear dwarves of Talkedgravel,

Please, elect a new mayor already. She keeps mandating shortswords. We already put a weapon trap full of 'em in her room. Make her stop!

Sincerely, the insane overseer.

[Garath]

If they ain't masterwork, we could have melt em down, ya?

Yours,

furnace operators guild

[Shoruke]

To all members of the militia:

Please note that, when not actively participating in military affairs, the burrows definitions as defined by your overseer are not suggestions. They are not hints. They are strict orders, put in place for your safety, as your colleague Urist McDumbass learned the hard way last week when he decided to station himself between the Dingo zombies and the Goblin raids last week.

Recommend that you hold one of your training sessions in a classroom, or maybe the dining hall, with the subject of the class being "why following direct orders gets you killed less often than single-handedly confronting entire armies without fighting back against them."

Oh, and you ARE, in fact, allowed to eat the food we tell you to bring with you when guarding the entrance to the fort. That's why we tell you to bring it. Starving yourselves isn't helping anyone, and neither does grumbling about it.

Sincerely,
Overseer Kal

[MasterMorality]

Trem Dryyought,
We have very few steel bars, three in fact, so when being possessed, I expect you do something useful with this steel. A master work bit of weaponry or armour, perhaps.
Instead you make an 81600 valued earring. An earring circled with more steel, slate (how the hell did you manage that!?) and rope reed. Then you attach rings of birch to it.

Dude, I would give that monstrosity to my worst enemy. Next time, get possessed by a spirit with a sense of style. 

[Jake]

Dear Linksys,

Your £50 wireless PCI card with the big aerials in the back is having more trouble picking up a signal from the router in the living room than the built-in wireless antenna on my cheap and increasingly clapped-out netbook. This means that the only PC I own with enough RAM to cope with worldgen using the Flora and Fauna mod is unable to run Soundsense without a wholly unreasonable level of buggering about, seeing as it needs the latest version of Java, and will remain so until I find the money for a booster antenna.

I therefore wish rectal cancer on your senior management.

Yours,

A frustrated would-be Avatar of Armok

[Garath]

Strange name for a dwarf, linksys, has a nice sound to it though.

Jake, there is a general discussion and lotsa other forums and subforums to vent your frustration about your software, hardware and whatever. This is "your frustration about stupid dwarf AI" thread. Unless you can prove that the company is run by dwarves, or that the technology is dwarf made, take it elsewhere.

[Meta The Golem]

note to uristmcfisher

this is all your fault, i hope your happy that the clams have ripped all of our pets to shreds, i hope your happy that you just HAD to collect all that tasty not cursed clam, to bad that it turns out WERE IN THE MIDDLE OF A FUCKING HAUNTED AREA!

[Garath]

you could have told him not to fish, right? don't blame the pawn, blame the boss (you)

[Kawaburd]

Dear Urist McMigrant:

In the mere minutes you've been here you've made a beeline straight for my forge, tossed our smithy out on his tush, stole materials meant for a crossbow... and managed to hammer out what's got to be the world's sturdiest copper floor hatch. o_O;  You are absolutely nuts, you know that?  Legendary blacksmith wasn't #1 on my 'need this skill NOW' list, but as thanks I'm promoting you to head of traps.  Try not to impale the caravans.


Dear... other migrants:

I appreciate your interest in our fort, but did you really have to come in a wave of 40+?  Particularly when half of that is children?  I suppose we can entertain that many, in fact, tell ya what.  I've heard rumors of a big open place with bright blue grass and weird trees deep beneath the surface.  Help me find it and I'll take them on a vast nature walk and teach them cartography.
P.S:  Do any of you know how deep it's supposed to be?  I'm about 20-25 Z-levels in and seeing nothing but solid rock.