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[Splint]

That just gave me an idea: Curb children population, and train the medical/soapmaking teams: Use ballistae on a room filled with nothing but children. Probably already done, bust still.

Dear Hivers of Novus

Please stop brining childeren to the fortress. The population nearly 50% childeren, and due to the impending battle deaths I anticipate, i can't afford to be left with only childeren if you adults all die or get debilitating injuries.

Signed
Advisor of Novus.

[TigerHunter]

Dear Sarvesh,

Get out of bed, you lazy bum. You've been lounging around the hospital for months. I'm sorry I broke both your legs having you dig the hole for the artificial waterfall, and it's good that you're alive at all considering your replacement died taking the exact same fall, but I need your legendary mining ass digging out copper for the dining room.

[MelloHero]

Dear Urist, Kol, Ducim, and Catten McThirstymigrants,

I understand you think the part of the river you spawned next to is stagnant, and that we haven't been able to bridge you over to the main fort where the booze is, but please do not go up to the waterfall for a drink, as you will surely slip and drown. Until we get you over to us, please drink water from a safe location. Thank you.

Sincerely,

The Management

[Garath]

-snip-
One of my dwarves shot her own daughter once while the kid was standing in front of the ballista. Needless to say, the kid didn't last very long with most of her lower body missing...

No goblin shall snatch my child!

[jaxy15]

Dear trappers,

Catch more toads. We must celebrate the birthday of the great Toady One.

Sincerely, the overseer.

[Meta The Golem]

dear uristmchaulers, yes i known were in an evil biome but please for the love of Reg get the food before the vultures eat it all! whats that? its raining nauseating filth? so what, get the food before we all starve!


-sincerely your overseer,

PS if you even dare try to pin this on me i will lock you outside for the vultures to eat

[Garath]

dear uristmchaulers, yes i known were in an evil biome but please for the love of Reg get the food before the vultures eat it all! whats that? its raining nauseating filth? so what, get the food before we all starve!


-sincerely your overseer,

PS if you even dare try to pin this on me i will lock you outside for the vultures to eat

Screw you, it's raining nauseating filth, vultures are harrassing me and you tell me it is not your fault? you brought me here! And then you blame it on me?

sincerely,
Wish I could kill you

[Meta The Golem]

ok screw you haulers union, we have a bunch of new migrants (who for god known why) are coming, we need that food now... fuck it, miners! collapse it into our fortress! and no the haulers are being elfish about the filth and vultures, oh on a side note haulers union, i didn't pick this spot, the king did, so just try and get him to listen

[Murgy]

Dear Urist McMechanic,

The lever which you recently pulled seems not to have lowered the drawbridge, but in fact, collapsed the supports holding the large stone slab over the trading depot. This happened much to the dismay of the Elven trade caravan whom were occuping it at the time.

Keep up the good work.

From The Mountainhomes.
Signed, Your Most Greatful Liaison.

[StLeibowitz]

Dear miners,

Truly, I am sorry for the fact that you broke both your legs AND arms in that horrible roof collapse in the attempt to punch through the aquifer. Also, I am truly sorry that I have evidently brought a pair of legendary half-wits to this new fortress!

Is it such a hard concept to grasp that when I order you to break the rock plug off the roof, you do not stand on the top of said rock plug to do it?!?

Were you not both comparable to the god of rock himself in mining prowess, I would order Doc to just let you both expire.

Sincerely,
              The office of the resident God-King


Dear Doc

I apologize for not providing adequate medical facilities, and I realize bone setting is not your forte, but was it really necessary to OPERATE on the miners' arms to fix them?

Sincerely,
              The office of the resident God-King
PS- would it kill you to clean the blood off their bedroom walls? It's disturbing me.


Dear Urist McLumberjack

WHY, in Armok's name, did you try to lumberjack that tree on the rock plug AS THE MINERS WERE CHANNELING AROUND IT!

Your brain is a sad excuse for low-grade wood chips. Doc is coming to visit your room for surgery.
The key to the soap storeroom has been lost.

Sincerely,
             Imperial Office of Eugenics and Fortress Management

[Schizotek]

Engraved upon the tomb of Urist McSmith-

"And who are you", the proud dwarf said, "that I must bow so low?
Only a dwarf of a different coat, that's all the truth I know.
In a coat of purple or a coat of brown, a dwarf still has an axe,
And mine is big and sharp, my lord, as big and sharp as yours."
And so he spoke, and so he spoke, the weaponsmith of Castamere,
But now the rains weep o'er his tomb, with no one there to hear.
Yes now the rains weep o'er his tomb, and not a soul to hear.

"Oh hear my call", the armorsmith cried, his face going pale,
"I see lavalight upon a heavy hammer, a dwarf wearing mail."
And still Urist McSmith of Castamere harped on his elegy
"No useless noble, untried by arms, will play lord over me!!"
And so he spoke, and so he spoke, the weaponsmith of Castamere,
But now the rains weep o'er his tomb, with no one there to hear.
Yes now the rains weep o'er his tomb, and not a soul to Hear.

The hammerer at the gates had come,
to smash his head, with lead!
And so he spoke, and so he spoke, the weaponsmith of Castamere,
But now the rains weep o'er his tomb, with no one there to hear.
Yes now the rains weep o'er his tomb, and not a soul to Hear.

[Meta The Golem]

Dear thralls

i am sorry that in your life that we had to lose you, but since you wouldent stay underground or do your job, you were stuck in that smoke that made you the evil misunderstood creatures today, we are truly sorry for having to wall you out.

five minutes before death- the lost overseer

[Meta The Golem]

dear uristmcilostmycat

LISTEN YOU ELF, we are in the middle of a clam zombie invasion! your cat might be with the other zombie cats in the walled off section! also WHY SHOULD WE CARE?? HES DEAD! AND SHUT UP ABOUT THE SCRATCHING, its the zombie cats and the zombie miner, Armok please claim that soul of his before he brakes out again

sincerely, your overseer

PS: the king is coming, don't tell him about the cats or the zombie miner, the idiot thinks we have access to the adamantine, well i hope he likes it here in hell!

[ThatAussieGuy]

Dear elve caravan;

Why do you think I attempted to trade something with you made of wood?  I'd got through the list of items I'd selected carefully and offered only metal weapons and trap components, along with some gems.  Kindly get your trader's eyes tested before his next trip or else I'll be restoring my old water-for-goods trading policy. 

Sincerely; The Overlordseer

[newbonomicon]

Dear elve caravan;

Why do you think I attempted to trade something with you made of wood?  I'd got through the list of items I'd selected carefully and offered only metal weapons and trap components, along with some gems.  Kindly get your trader's eyes tested before his next trip or else I'll be restoring my old water-for-goods trading policy. 

Sincerely; The Overlordseer

Did you try to trade a wooden bin? Or some soap?