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[Eric Blank]

Dear Militia

Stop being on fire. It's bad for your Health.

Sincerely, the Overseer of Battlestruck

Dear Overseer of Battlestruck

We aren't exactly sure what "being on fire" means, but it sounds soothing and relaxing. We're all going out for drinks, so if you need us, we'll be in the booze stockpile sir.

The Militia

65% of my melee militia (13 dwarves and the goblins they were fighting) burned to death in the fields.

Not a single dwarf that caught fire made it into the fortress, and only one soldier that was fighting that platoon of goblins survived. Everyone else that survived did so because they hadn't made it to their stations yet. The siege was only broken due to the masterfull wielding of crossbows and sheer idiocy of trolls. (They just walked back and forth in front of the marksdwarves!)

The fort was abandoned afterwards because I really really wanted to generate a new world. Oh well!

Dear dwarves of Battlestruck.

Good to know you're all dead

Won't be missing you, Overseer.

[Garath]

Dear overseers whining about babies,

Just like the way you can tell the mountainhomes to stop sending migrants, you can set restrictions to the number of children. It's actually more accurate since we hear about it directly and the mountainhomes usually sends another 40 migrants after you told em to stop. So just tell the baby machines to stop through this little modification and stop complaining.

Sincerely,
The Coalition of DwarF

[ThatAussieGuy]

To the dwarves of Stafffilled;

Would SOMEONE please stick the dead miner in a coffin already?   I've got reports of 50-odd of you slacking off, so it's not like you're all busy.  He's starting to stink up the main staircase and everyone's just walking past his body pretending it isn't there.

Sincerely; The Overlordseer

[Lielac]

To the dwarves of Stafffilled;

Would SOMEONE please stick the dead miner in a coffin already?   I've got reports of 50-odd of you slacking off, so it's not like you're all busy.  He's starting to stink up the main staircase and everyone's just walking past his body pretending it isn't there.

Sincerely; The Overlordseer

Dear Overseer,

Check to see if it's forbidden. We can't pick up the corpse if you won't let us!

Sincerely,
Dwarves of Stafffilled

PS: You did remember to make sure we've made enough empty coffins, right?

[ThatAussieGuy]

To the dwarves of Stafffilled;

Would SOMEONE please stick the dead miner in a coffin already?   I've got reports of 50-odd of you slacking off, so it's not like you're all busy.  He's starting to stink up the main staircase and everyone's just walking past his body pretending it isn't there.

Sincerely; The Overlordseer

Dear Overseer,

Check to see if it's forbidden. We can't pick up the corpse if you won't let us!

Sincerely,
Dwarves of Stafffilled

PS: You did remember to make sure we've made enough empty coffins, right?

Yes and Yes.  The Masons are all too aware of the need for coffins since the "Zombie Visit", and they've finally gotten all of the dwarf corpses buried.  The human ones have been left outside where they belong.

[wierd]

Attn: Goden Onullil, expedition leader


By all means, please explain how your masterwork brown recluse spider silk dress has managed to catch on fire. The magma is about 4 z levels away, and completely inaccessible at this point.  I checked the game log and combat reports. There are no mentions of any interactions with any kind of fire tossing creatures. Yet somehow, through some mysterous process, you have caught your dress on fire, and are merrily going about your business, threatenting to catch the booze stockpile on fire.  Thankfully I have disabled temperature, or your fat butt would have gone up like a tallow candle.

So again, please explain how you managed this clearly impossible feat.  I don't want to hear any bullshit, made up explanations, like "it's a hot pink dress!" Or, "it's literally smokin' sexy!". I don't care that you could set your husband on fire with just a passing touch.

Please report to the pump room for a high pressure cold water shower.

As you know, dwarven kind is on the verge of extinction, and we can't afford to lose you, no matter how deserving of a darwin award you so clearly are.

--your overseer.


Addendum:

It has been brought to my attention that I was mistaken concerning your gender. Your files clearly show you as being a male dwarf. Please explain why you are wearing a flaming dress, which is flaming because it is actually on fire, and not a more gender appropriate tunic. We can't afford having dwarves practice alternative lifestyles while the race teeters on the brink of extinction. Put the hot dress down, and find a girlfriend ASAP.

--your overseer

[JimDale]

Dear Urist McDumbass,
Please stop leading scared animals back toward their pen (and thus to the undead who were chasing it).
In case you haven't noticed, we're experiencing a siege and your brave attempt at returning the chicken to its pasture failed.
We are going to terminate your family to stop this horrid gene from spreading throughout the rest of the Fortress.

[WillowLuman]

It would seem that, as of right now, there is no way to make gender specific clothing. I see that almost all human caravans and most dwarves wear dresses.

[Garath]

Dear Urist McDumbass,
Please stop leading scared animals back toward their pen (and thus to the undead who were chasing it).
In case you haven't noticed, we're experiencing a siege and your brave attempt at returning the chicken to its pasture failed.
We are going to terminate your family to stop this horrid gene from spreading throughout the rest of the Fortress.

Dear Overseer,

Your orders specifically state that that animal has te be pastured there, I am carrying out your orders. You could always change those orders in the way of telling people that the animals should not be pastured there or be pastured somewhere else. It's your job to think of things like that, mine is just to lead animals. How about you do your job and I do mine?

sincerely,
Urist McNotThatDumbass

[bukitodinos]

Dear uristmcmilitacommander

not a good time for a mood, when that theif came by it got pummeld to death by the 12 stone fall traps, but you made an awesome bed so il forgive you. enjoy your new bedroom in the hall of honor, AND you get to sleep on your bed.


crushing hug,

Bukit

[Captain Crazy]

Dear Miner McPissytrousers:

Don't throw tantrums again or I'll assign you to a nice comfy burrow under a raised drawbridge, with your own child pulling the lever.

[bukitodinos]

Dear Husks

Here is a goat. Yes, follow it like good little zombies. Follow the tasty, delicious goat. That's right keep on coming. Right down that tunnel. Don't mind the pressure plates. Soon you will get your delicious goat. Yes, it's so exciting that you can't see the orange light behind you and hear the water rushing over head! Ignore them, they are just distractions from your tasty prize!

Dear goat

Good job, I suggest you REALLY start running now!

this is awesomely funny

[WillowLuman]

Dear Husks

Here is a goat. Yes, follow it like good little zombies. Follow the tasty, delicious goat. That's right keep on coming. Right down that tunnel. Don't mind the pressure plates. Soon you will get your delicious goat. Yes, it's so exciting that you can't see the orange light behind you and hear the water rushing over head! Ignore them, they are just distractions from your tasty prize!

Dear goat

Good job, I suggest you REALLY start running now!

this is awesomely funny

I just hope they don't reanimate when I mine out the obsidian. Unfortunately, the goat got encased too

[WaffleEggnog]

Dear people of Ancientcheese the Giant-pink-monster-creature

Why do the dead Goblins cloaths have a higher priority then our dieing military? Please, try to ovvercome you addiction to socks.

Yours truly, duh bauss

[Eric Blank]

Dear Bauss,

Try setting up a large medical staff who have absolutely no labors enabled besides those under the healthcare tab. They'll likely be the ones to go collect the wounded, and will definitely treat them in quick succession, given that they have virtually nothing else to do.

Sincerely, the haulers union.