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[Garath]

To the goblins near the fortress.

I absolutely understand your anger. Not only do we butcher and eat your ambushes (although you shouldn't be so shocked, I'm sure you'd do the same), we also carve the bones into bolts that are used to kill the next group. The simple solution is to stop attacking, but we're actually very close to building a giant statue to armok with goblin soap. I know sending this message to you will just enrage you and cause you to send even more soldiers at us, but we really need more soap to finish the statue.

To the dwarfs of Channelspire.

leave the damn clothing and get the goblin bodies first, got it? we can't have them rotting on us, we need the lard from the fat bastards, Praise armok. I mean, seriously? there is a fully functioning clothing industry, spares of everything and you are claiming their clothing, stopping halfway your job to change pants? Get their asses to the butchers and then cover your own. Priorities, people! They are dead and will not sneak a look at your assets, now get moving!

[Ria Hawk]

Dear Kobold Thief-

You actually picked a pretty good place to raid. I'm a good preliminary overseer. I'm good at getting the fortress planned out and carved out of the rock, and getting food and booze production going, as well as starting the production of trader bait. Military, I'm not so good at. And a slight oversight resulted in the front door of the fortress not being installed in a timely manner. So if you were going to wander in and attempt to help yourself to some of the shiny gems I've been hoarding to buy out the next caravan, it was the least suicidal fort to do this. When I noticed your presence, my only option was to immediately draft every single able body that wasn't working on something vital. We didn't even have proper armor, for the love of Armok.

It just probably wasn't a good idea to try to raid the gem stockpile while the only two dwarves in the fort with any sort of combat abilities... who were also carrying battle axes because I may be slow but I'm not stupid, were just coming out of the wood stockpile across the hall.

- Love and kisses,
Preliminary Overseer

[Count Dorku]

Dear secretive moody jeweller:

Don't be so Armok-damned picky. You asked for gems, leather, logs and bones. You've already got the gems. Now walk over and get the frelling leather. I didn't butcher an animal to get you bones just so you could sit there and draw pictures about how you don't have the exact right kind of dead animal skin.

Yours sincerely,
Me

[Broseph Stalin]

Dear secretive moody jeweller:

Don't be so Armok-damned picky. You asked for gems, leather, logs and bones. You've already got the gems. Now walk over and get the frelling leather. I didn't butcher an animal to get you bones just so you could sit there and draw pictures about how you don't have the exact right kind of dead animal skin.

Yours sincerely,
Me

Do you have more gems? It's possible he didn't get enough preferences shouldn't mess with leather selection.

[Greiger]

To the mayor.



I know meetings are soul sucking, but you don't have to take it literally.  Please get off the furnace operator before the entire meeting hall on the other side of that window bum rushes the captain of the guard again.

The administration.

[bukitodinos]

Dear Uristmcnoble

When i say "we don't have addy" WE DON'T HAVE ANY FUCKING ADDY! But the doesn't mean you can imprison THE LEGENDARY METALSMITH!
also i now have an excuse to kill you... a drained dwarf is in your room, please report to room 105 and close the door and pull the lever

Hugs and kisses
Your sadistic !!SCINTEST!!

[SRD]

Scintest? SCINTEST? SKIN TEST?

[jaxy15]

Dear elves,

Please send a caravan. Our weavers cannot keep up with the mass amount of clothes our sweatshop workers are producing.

Sincerely, the overseer.

[Garath]

To: The Mayor of Wasprocks

A warthog hoof armor stand is not going to happen. Get over it.

Sincerely,

the bonecarvers of Wasprocks

To: The Duchess of Wasprocks

Don't you think we have enough shields now?

Sincerely,

The quartermaster of Wasprocks

[bukitodinos]

Scintest? SCINTEST? SKIN TEST?

I AM A TERRIBLE SPELLER!!!

[Count Dorku]

Dear secretive moody jeweller:

Don't be so Armok-damned picky. You asked for gems, leather, logs and bones. You've already got the gems. Now walk over and get the frelling leather. I didn't butcher an animal to get you bones just so you could sit there and draw pictures about how you don't have the exact right kind of dead animal skin.

Yours sincerely,
Me

Do you have more gems? It's possible he didn't get enough preferences shouldn't mess with leather selection.

I had like five bins of rough gems, and another three of cut gems. I am also neck-deep in cloth and have enough leather that I'm giving serious consideration to modding in motorbikes. Guess my now-deceased jeweller specifically wanted to go crazy and starve.

[Broseph Stalin]

Dear Medical Staff,

There are ten beds, each bed is adjacent to an operating table , a traction bench, and a coffer filled with materials. As you can see we have a fairly large, functioning infirmary so I'm not sure why exactly you need to be informed that there is absolutely positively no reason to stack the patients. There are six patients, you have successfully given the fish cleaner his own bed, and the swordsman his own bed, and then you seem to have thrown logic to the wind and started stacking patients four high on a single bed. Please take them to any of the seven completely empty beds as soon as possible. I know moving patients is considered to be a poor practice but I'm pretty sure so is making them into a tower like goddamn alcoholic building blocks.

Sincerely,
The voice of reason amongst your psychotic impulses.

[Garath]

You don't know what they're doing there, I'm so not getting close.

Bomrek McMedic

[SRD]

Dear Medical Staff,

There are ten beds, each bed is adjacent to an operating table , a traction bench, and a coffer filled with materials. As you can see we have a fairly large, functioning infirmary so I'm not sure why exactly you need to be informed that there is absolutely positively no reason to stack the patients. There are six patients, you have successfully given the fish cleaner his own bed, and the swordsman his own bed, and then you seem to have thrown logic to the wind and started stacking patients four high on a single bed. Please take them to any of the seven completely empty beds as soon as possible. I know moving patients is considered to be a poor practice but I'm pretty sure so is making them into a tower like goddamn alcoholic building blocks.

Your medics play this game better than you do.

[Ria Hawk]

Dear Embark Site Selection Committee-

I petitioned the committee for a site with, I thought, I very reasonable list of requirements. No aquifer. Some soil, to farm on. Metals at various heights because WE ARE DWARVES. And flux stone, because steel is necessary. You gave me a list of several suitable sites, though I wonder why you seemed so insistent on my embarking in either sinister areas or areas infested with Armokdamned unicorns.

After exhaustively sifting through each prospective site, I have to ask, would it really have been that hard to tell me that there was no flux stone, apparently anywhere in the world?