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[Lagslayer]

Dear Urist McNewGuy

I know you came to my fort to make a name for yourself. To become somebody, to be the BEST! But how in your long life have you fail to become anything more than just a novice Wood-Burner. I mean come on man give me something to work with.

Lovingly yours
A Friend

No, no, no!

"Dear Mountainhomes,
Give me your peasants, your novice soap makers,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming halls.
Send these, the fish dissectors, the clerks to me,
I'll tell them to shut up, dorf up and start hauling rocks!"

- 'Sus' Plagiatedarts, "the New Masterwork Statue of a Bronze Colossus"

Boatmurdered, F*CK YEAH!

[OldPrussia]

Dear Urist McNewGuy

In an attempt to make you a man I threw you into our mighty military, now perhaps your death in your first assignment could have been avoided if I trained you in danger rooms, but I didn't. Your consolation prize is a majestic tomb overlooking the river where the crocodiles ate you alive.

Lovingly Yours,
A slightly regretful Friend.

[LARD]

Dear Urist,

When you are outside and Goblin Christmas comes, run toward the trap lined corridor into the fortress. This will have the dual effect of getting the Goblins caught in cages and, if you are intelligent and don't go running back to grab a sock, it might save your life as well.

Signed,
LARD

[ThatAussieGuy]

Dear UristMcStupidWoodcutter

Please, stop idling in an unsecured part of hell.   Seriously.  There are no trees down there.  You're just being really stupid.  When a demon inevitably strolls along and ridiculously murders you, we will not even attempt to retrieve your body.

Sincerely, your annoyed overseer.

Dear; Annoyed Overseer
I'm trying to pick out a site for my future home.  Give me a minute!

Sincerely; Urist McWoodcutter

[Samuel]

Dear Cilob Glazelance,
Congratulations on the completion of your artifact! Honestly, I'm not sure what to say about this piece. The art critic in me finds it a bold, post-modernist statement on the exhaustion of all potential in the art world, and loves it's bold questioning of what truly constitutes art and the canvases that can be used to create it.

The realist in me, however, just sees it as a mechanism made of a single piece of gabbro. You could have at least thrown some gems on there. I suppose I can use it in a well or something, or maybe a lever in a noble's room, but I still feel kinda ripped off. I guess it beats a wooden cup or something.

Signed,
A Disappointed Overseer

PS: Enjoy making nothing but mechanisms for the rest of your life.

[jaxler]

hello. urist mcengraver

I don't like that your filling the children's rooms with pictures of rotting corpses being decapitated by giant dragons. they're kids they don't need to see that kind of stuff.

[Samuel]

hello. urist mcengraver

I don't like that your filling the children's rooms with pictures of rotting corpses being decapitated by giant dragons. they're kids they don't need to see that kind of stuff.

Well, they are dwarves...

[Splint]

hello. urist mcengraver

I don't like that your filling the children's rooms with pictures of rotting corpses being decapitated by giant dragons. they're kids they don't need to see that kind of stuff.

Well, they are dwarves...

And? They don't need to know what a horrible place the world is until they're  at least 12. When they get conscripted. And then receive a ridiculous injury that cripples them for life. Like a broken toe.

Also:
Dear Urist McFishDisecctor,
What in the FUCK were you thinking coming to a fortress with no fishing industry? Did you lose a bet or something? I swear to god, if you don't make yourself useful prying shells off turtles we buy, I WILL draft your useless ass and MAKE you be useful as a bolt sponge.

-Signed, Splint
Overseer of Losthold

[Keldane]

Dear Urist McTantrum-thrower,

I can appreciate how the sudden death of 55 of your colleagues in a single massive cave-in might upset you. I can also understand wanting to throw something to let off some steam. I've done it myself, in fact.

I will ask you, however, to please refrain from throwing body parts that you're on your way to bury. While I am highly amused that the corpse piece landed neatly on top of the coffin it was intended for, the fact that you threw it meant that it was instantly forbidden. Had I not been watching at the time, it likely wouldn't have been buried at all, leaving the poor soul who it used to belong to to become a ghost, and frankly, I don't want to have to deal with any of them.

Sincerely,

That force what ordered the "collapse the support" lever pulled.

[I am Leo]

Dear Urist McOnfire

You are on fire.
Please take note of this fact.

Sincerely
The OVerseer

[ThatAussieGuy]

Dear Urist McOnfire

You are on fire.
Please take note of this fact.

Sincerely
The OVerseer

Urist McOnfire cancels: Reply
Urist McOnfire is going to the booze stockpile to get a drink

[miauw62]

Dear Urist McOnfire

You are on fire.
Please take note of this fact.

Sincerely
The Overseer

this made my day.

[jaxler]

dear Urist mcpesant:

please don't haul the clown corpse up the stairs. it's made of fire.

sincerely: Jaxler

[muxecoid]

Dear Urist McMason,

Thank you have having the intelligence to ALWAYS contruct and remove walls/floors in such a way that either traps you, or causes you to fall 10 z-levels to your death.

Signed,

Me

QFT. Very aggravating when happens to me.

[grimman007]

Dear zeitgiest of drillmines,

Having at one point in my life, long before I was raised to my most deserved position among the nobility, been a common dwarf like yourself, I have had ample opportunity to observe these so called "unfortunate accidents" that you and others like yourself so euphamistically referr to. I have taken upon myself to never pull any strange lever in any room that has any of the following characteristics, no matter how lavishly furnished:

A mysterious sulfury smell.
Uncharacteristically warm in temperature.
Freshly carved or laid stonework, especially if it looks out of place.
A faint but lingering odor of charred flesh, blood, or vicera.
A mysterious cloying dampness.
A faint smell of mildew.
Is very distant from my bedroom or the food stockpile.

You will not be tricking me into releasing a hellish hoarde of shriveled crundles into the room with me, or into inadvertantly drowning myself, or into performing an unfortunate smelting accident.

Now kindly get to work making me a crystal glass bed and a slade armor stand to go with the crystal glass window I wanted. I intend to host some important guests soon, and I can't stand that they might discuss that wretched mayor's brass armoire instead of my far more appropriate and sublime furishings.

Perhaps the mayor would be interested in pulling that lever? He's not terribly important anyway, you petty rabble will just elect another to replace him, like always.

Luxuriously yours,
Baron of drillmines

Your highness,

Actually, that lever controls the magma floodgates that will allow us to power our magma glass furnaces. Also everything else that runs on magma.

So kindly pull it, before the latest moody dwarf goes berserk for lack of precious metals. 'Cause if he does, we're putting him in your room while you sleep.

Sincerely,
The Peasants of Drillmines