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Author Topic: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves  (Read 1511128 times)

lordofhyphens

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #270 on: September 23, 2010, 10:27:16 am »

Dear Urist McSoldier,

Please do not attempt to destroy the zombie yeti with your bare hands. It never worked out for your predecessor.

--Commander
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BurningLed

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #271 on: September 23, 2010, 05:47:16 pm »

Dear Overseer, From Urist McAllofusdwarves

Please let time start running again.  We know thawing the ocean might take a while, but we do like moving, even if it's to our deaths in a frame.
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Biag

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #272 on: September 23, 2010, 05:53:51 pm »

Dear Urist McHerbalist,

When you are gathering plants in an unexplored cavern, and are attacked by a tribe of spear-wielding fish-people, it's usually a better idea to run towards the well-trained military stationed twenty feet away from you than deeper into the cavern, towards a tribe of spear-wielding bat-people. Your idiocy will not be missed, and I hear your girlfriend is still ecstatic.

Sincerely,
The rest of us
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newto

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #273 on: September 23, 2010, 08:13:16 pm »

Lan Likotrigoth,

Firstly, I very much appreciate your having a mood and becoming a Legendary Armorsmith.  Believe me, this is a good thing.  However, if I may offer just the slightest bit of constructive criticism.  A single Adamantine boot, while certainly very pretty, and ... well ... astoundingly valuable ... is nonetheless a single boot.

Urist McArmoursmith,

I am glad to bring you news that you are not alone in construction of the single boot "Twofrenzies the Spell of Mining" the adamantine high boot. Your choices of materials were most excellent, the 11th adamantine wafer produced by our great fortress (the first ten forged into mighty axes), a chunk of raw adamantine, bones from the great marsh titan and polar bear leather. Your craftsdwarfship is the greatest I have ever seen, it has been estimated at 1.1 million dwarfbucks, 1/9th of our total wealth and a full half of our current armour budget. Much of your imagery is excellent, the image of Catten Fencedpage being crowned king in adamantine, and the image of Nos Valleyivy the Seed of Dales, the ocean titan striking down a lowly human in silk is very appropriate here, perhaps you gained inspiration from the many carvings of the great one that chronicle his swath of death and destruction since he wandered in the time before time.

Some helpful advice for the future though. If you are ever to be taken by the fey again, it would be appreciated if you were to do so earlier, if possible before you are ranked at 15+3 and 50%, and have used all of my bronze and iron bars creating armour for the sole purpose of becoming experience enough to be allowed access to our adamantine reserves. Also, your choice of imagery of the mortal wounding of Urist McNotWorthyOfMentionHunter in 1061 would have been more appropriately replaced by an image of King Fencedpage, as he was struck down in the same elk bird hunting accident.

Finally: ONE $#(%#@(%@ HIGH BOOT? You take 1.1 MILLION in materials and you create ONE boot, that is the SECOND most useless thing you could have made, next to a low boot. Even a single GAUNTLET would have been better, as Urist McMilitiaCaptain lost one of his hands in the first ambush on Girdersprayed. If you weren't the only armoursmith in the entire fortress experienced enough to even look at the precious blue metal, you'd have been delegated to hauling immediately upon completion.

---------------------------------------------------
Notice: To all members of the Militia

You may have noticed your steel axes and shields have been replaced with adamantine. We understand you may have grown attached to your previous equipment, and even named several pieces (twelve in total). This new metal is considerably lighter, and several hundred times sharper, and thus with the exception of sentimental value, far superior.

In the adamantine equipment pilot program, it was noticed that several participants sparred once with their new weapons, only to revert to their old blood soaked steel versions, even when forbidden. Unfortunately the chosen uniforms are mandatory for unit cohesion and general safety in combat and sparring, and as such all unnamed and below masterwork steel axes and shields have been destroyed, and all named or masterwork equipment has been locked away until further notice.

Thank you for your understanding

P.S. Olin Asd–grovod Akestmot Erush, in the future, please refrain from naming your weapon "Graspblossom the Scandalous Trouble". This is not appropriate behaviour for a legendary axedwarf and champion. For more information on appropriate naming, please consult Erib Wireheavens the Abysmal Lover, who named Emptiedweeps and Glimmerforest.

(I love the autonaming of things)
« Last Edit: September 23, 2010, 08:29:21 pm by newto »
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lordofhyphens

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #274 on: September 28, 2010, 09:07:12 am »

General Notice:

"Moistness of Staves" is not an acceptable name for a serious military squad. Would the dwarf who came up with this name please report to the barracks for cleaning duty?

--Overseer
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Medicine Man

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #275 on: September 28, 2010, 09:20:37 am »

Note to people who named the militia.

The fair boats makes no sense at all. What drunk lunatic would want a name like tha- Hold on... You're changing the name to the armored swords? SWWEEEET!
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rat_pack40

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #276 on: September 28, 2010, 12:00:32 pm »

Dear Goblin Invaders,
I know that my Entrance does not look at all inviting, but please stop standing at the entrance. I know that you watched your commander turn into a red mist in a flurry of green glass, but you could always try your luck at dodging. Sure it runs you the risk of falling 9 stories into a 2 deep pit of magma with no safe way out that would put you past the gauntlet of green glass on the one wide walkway, but isn't that half the fun of INVADING my lovely hole in the groundfortress?
Sincerely,
Urist McOverseer.

PS. Sorry about hitting your friend in the chest with this note tied to a !!Goblin Bone Bolt!!.
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Caesar

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #277 on: September 28, 2010, 12:17:59 pm »

Dear Dwarfs,

While I do like to occasionally figuratively 'walk on thin ice' to get adrenaline up, I think it is quite a bad idea to spend spring standing on a frozen river surface. Please return to your homes and jobs, and get your job done before the ice me-..


Dear Mason,

Please start fabricating some more coffins before you drown. I feel like they might be needed more now than ever. Also inform Urist McMiner that her death has permanently made sure we can not breach the aquifer, and that I will execute her as soon as she dares to stand up.

Highest regards,

Urist McOverseer
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Bauglir

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #278 on: September 28, 2010, 01:42:35 pm »

-snip-
« Last Edit: June 09, 2015, 08:46:10 pm by Bauglir »
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In the days when Sussman was a novice, Minsky once came to him as he sat hacking at the PDP-6.
“What are you doing?”, asked Minsky. “I am training a randomly wired neural net to play Tic-Tac-Toe” Sussman replied. “Why is the net wired randomly?”, asked Minsky. “I do not want it to have any preconceptions of how to play”, Sussman said.
Minsky then shut his eyes. “Why do you close your eyes?”, Sussman asked his teacher.
“So that the room will be empty.”
At that moment, Sussman was enlightened.

Diacritic

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #279 on: September 28, 2010, 09:54:56 pm »

Dear Urist McBaron,

If sleeping in your old quarters from when you were a broker, which have not been reassigned simply because we have copious bedroomage and don't need the space, is going to make you so unhappy that you tantrum, please refrain from sleeping there.  For future reference, the bedroom in which you should not sleep is the one which now has an ominous magma-proof floodgate centering one wall.

Also, apologies for accidentally using the artifact coffin to house the dead body of an "inferior".  In order to keep you from further tantrums, we have evicted the offending corpse and dumped it into a simple wooden coffin whose masterwork status, we assure you, is due to nothing but a lack of non-legendary carpenters and is not meant to reflect on your relative importance.

Sincerely,

The Mayor

p.s. You are lucky that your only preferences are for iron and warhammers.
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Particleman

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #280 on: September 29, 2010, 06:04:56 am »

To: All haulers
From: The Overseer

SHUT UP ABOUT NOT BEING ABLE TO GET AROUND. You're all full of crap. Almost none of you are in restricted areas and those of you who aren't have no excuse for the constant bitching. Starting today there will be periodic sacrifices of the loudest complainer(s). This policy will be in effect until the situation improves.
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Rastaan

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #281 on: September 29, 2010, 07:22:14 am »

To all prospective miners.

Please be warned that, due to the freezing temperatures of our new surrounds, exposed aquifer tiles will both fill with water and freeze near instantaneously.
This is not, however, excuse to dig away the single tile supporting your mass; presumably in an attempt to attract the attention of the fortess engraver. Our previous miner succeeded in garnering such attention, although not through admiration and praise of his daring stunt; but rather in a number of masterful renditions of his remains becoming encased in ice.

Such behaviour will not be tolerated in the future.

Regards,
The Expedition Leader

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Jacob/Lee

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #282 on: September 29, 2010, 07:13:04 pm »

Dear Urist Mclegendarygrower,

Yes, I know, putting your work area in a cavern was not the best idea. Yes, I know, not stationing the military there during plump helmet season was also a bad idea. Yes, I know, you only have a broken toe because a troll stepped on it while you were planting, but seriously, it's a toe. This little incident shouldn't make you be bedridden for years on end. Urist Mclegendarywoodcutter over there? He had his entire right arm and shoulder shattered, Urist, he is still working. You are a disgrace to dwarfkind. I will not bury you when you die because you broke a nail.

Sincerely,
Armok.

GaxkangtheUnbound

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #283 on: September 29, 2010, 07:20:38 pm »

Dear Bashnom Parchedmenace,
I know how thirsty you are(Thus the name Parchedmenace), but finish the damn beds before there's some serious bad thought around here.
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Encased in burning magma

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #284 on: September 29, 2010, 11:04:13 pm »

Mister and Madam Urist...

Welcome to your Magmavault®.

Indeed! You have been selected as the best of the best! In the unlikely case that something goes wrong, you have been chosen to repopulate the fortress!
You will find your self-sufficient accomodations deep in the middle of the magma sea! A little press on this lever... and there! Sealed in! You will then be able to survive indefinitly thank to a quaint little farm and a wonderful dining room! Lookit all those artifact tables! Who cares about the slaughter of your friends!
And worry not. You will not be alone! You will be granted a breeding pair[mod] of giant cave spiders!
Should your children horde decide to reemerge later, they will enjoy the support of the arachnid!
Remember: they do not feel pity, or fear, or remorse, and cannot be stopped unless killed! They also provide extra incentive to reemerge!

For your amusement, an automated depot trap has been left on the surface. We are not, unfortunatly, able to send you the crispy elf meat while preserving your isolation and safety.

Ps: You better get used to plump helmet.
Pps: Avoid cutting your finger. There is no water.
Ppps: Don't be a dick and channel into the semi molten rock. Please.
« Last Edit: September 30, 2010, 12:04:25 am by Encased in burning magma »
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