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[Akura]

  Dear Guard Captain of the Friendly Sacks(the fortress guard):
When serving a warrant for a violent beating of someone who broke an export prohibition mandate issued moments before the caravan was scheduled to leave the depot, it is generally considered unprofessional to bite the offender on the leg, then shake them around. Likewise, please refrain from breaking noses of dwarves.

  Dear Mayoress/Baroness:
Please stop issuing export prohibitions just prior to the caravans ship out, and please stop prohibiting the export of barrels. Because of this, four dwarves received vicious beatings, one of whom needed surgery to fix the comound fracture in his fingernail. In addition, there is now about half a dozen dwarves chained to the guardhouse floor, one of whom was arrested at his own wedding party.

[roughedge]

Dear Urist McBerserkRage

Why so much bloodshed, these where all your friends and pets, now they are just a bloody mess. And nobody brought you all that silly material you needed... we knew you were going to build another stupid artifact mug with seahorses on it... You know, thats why we walled your other friend in his shop until he died of thirst. I hope you make good fertiliser in the body pile at the bottom of the deep pit we just found. I heard there is a tentacled monster there.

[Lielac]

To: The tree-hugging hippies who bring fun animals
From: Overseer of Riverwheels
Subject: Your caravan load

Bring something decent (like, say, some tame giant badgers) for me to weaponize, I'm being terrorized by honey badgers here.

To: Broker
From: Overseer of Riverwheels
Subject: Re: Your work ethic

Luckily for you you haven't chosen to go on break at an inopportune time. Keep this up so I don't have to dump you in the the river.

To: Carpenters
From: Overseer of Riverwheels
CC: Masons, mechanics, woodcutters, all the hauling suckerseveryone else too
Subject: Re: The whole reason we embarked here

As soon as I've dug out the area for the machines to go, you'll all be working overtime to make those 180(!!) waterwheels I need. Carpenters, make those wheels. Masons, make the floors we'll need to balance the waterwheels on and the walls to protect the  area from attack. Mechanics, your specialized job is probably going to be the shortest: all I need you to do is make the nine mechanisms and set them up as gear assemblies next to the waterwheels. Woodcutters, you'll be feeding logs to the carpenters by making the elves cry. Everyone else, you're on hauler duty: you'll be taking the logs the woodcutters cut down to the wood stockpile I'll be creating by the waterwheel work area.

DO NOT SCREW THIS UP. I am counting on all of you to make this go smoothly. I didn't turn invaders off this time, so we are on the clock. It's already the second spring, and I know goblins exist in this world, so make this snappy!

To: Miners
From: Overseer of Riverwheels
Subject: Re: YOUR work ethic

HURRY THE [expletive deleted] UP! I can't set the junior miners to digging out the soil-based machinery hall until you legendaries are done digging out the wonderfully stone-surrounded coffin hall, and I can't start on building the waterwheels until the machinery hall is dug out, and if that doesn't get done soon it'll be vulnerable to attackers while it's still being built, so YOU ARE HOLDING UP THE WHOLE REASON THIS FORTRESS WAS STARTED HURRY THE HELL UP.

[Reudh]

To Urist McMason, (deceased)

Why didn't you build the drawbridge when I told you a year ago?
By your indirect hand you caused the death of eighty dwarves including yourself. Most were children. They lost parents, brothers, sisters... by your indirect hand. Rot in hell and may the clowns torment you ever after. May armok never allow you to sup at his table.
You may be dead but your punishment will be eternal.

To Zaneg Meetingcrypts the Blockaded Recluse of Justice, (deceased)

I am pleased with you, Zaneg. You went down defending your fellow dwarves. Sadly, with your death the military was broken of much of its strength, and your squadron followed you soon afterward. You will be pleased to know three recruits defended your broken body and died with you, defending you from further mutilation. You should've seen it. It was glorious. One tranced after the other and they fought like possessed dervishes, cleaving goblins, trolls and crocodiles limb from limb. It wasn't enough to break the siege, and with their death the goblins streamed in.

To Zon McOrphan, (deceased)

You've had a hard lot in your short life. You're the second of eight kids, did you know? Your older brother was punched to death by a troglodyte. Your mother was an emotional wreck until you were born. You got a cut on your ear from an escaped prisoner, but you were alright.
You lost a younger brother to a berserk dwarf who didn't get his elf-hair cloth or whatever in time. You took this well. Not a whimper.
Then your father lost his mind.
Again, you were fine.
Then finally, your remaining five siblings were killed, along with your mother Mistem, a brilliant doctor. This was the snapping point. I will always cherish the memory of a young dwarf chewing goblins to death. You were brilliant. You took not a scratch on you until you fell unconscious from exhaustion and only then did the cowardly goblins kill you.


To Urist McMiner-turned-last-ditch-militia (deceased),
Your last friend, Litast Shemkol was killed. You didn't tantrum. At this stage there was merely you and the new mayor, and a criminal. You were the only one able to break the siege, and you did. Sadly you weren't able to stay alive long enough to welcome a new day... you were killed by a fleeing goblin. You will get a table with Armok at the end of the universe.

To Zalisiden, Wardpaddle, the only Good-biome Fortress the dwarves ever made,

You were great.

[Hitty40]

Dear Urist McAxeLord,


No.

- The Overseer.

[Loud Whispers]

Dear Overseer,


Oops, too late.

-Urist McAxeLord.

[Hitty40]

Dear Overseer,


Oops, too late.

-Urist McAxeLord.

Dear Urist McAxeLord,

Please report to the magma bathroom.

- The Overseer.

[calico103]

To all:

Stop jumping in the murky pools. I know they're currently dry, but it's a pain digging tunnels to every murky pool you happen to find!

Get another hobby,
Calico

[Loud Whispers]

Dear Hitty40,

if there's lots of g's and z's, it's gobbo. If you don't really recognize it, it's human. if it's called Urist, it's dwarf.

You'll find my surprise in seeing an old post of mine ending up as a sig

Personally, I was hoping for it to be made into a sock though.

[Hitty40]

Dear Loud Whispers,

I HAVE YOUR DOOR!

- Urist McDoorThief

[Loud Whispers]

Dear Dwarves,

Give me back my door,


~Sincerely, Overseer.

[lazygun]

Dear Asob Gloveskies the Euphoric Heaven

When I station you outside the gates during caravan month, your job is to intercept any ambushes and prevent them destroying the human traders. When an ambush does show up, do not decide to chase after a capybara! Do not continue to pursue that capybara single-mindedly even after detecting a second ambush.

Yes, it IS cool watching you dodge, roll, pick yourself up and continue onward through two goblin squads without a scratch. But you are not accomplishing the task you were stationed outside to do.

Your despairing overlord.

[ledgekindred]

To: Urist McMiner of Mountainhome Fairdaggers (deceased)
I knew the Adamantine existed at least 3 levels down and asked you to tunnel close to the vein.  It's entirely my fault that your dig assignment went into the entirely unexpected hollow area in the adamantine, which reached considerably higher than I realized.

To: The various military of Mountainhome Fairdaggers (deceased)
You did the best you could.  I'd say don't take it personally, but you are all dead now, so it's rather moot.

To: Everyone else of Mountainhome Fairdaggers (also deceased)
My bad.

To: Ledgekindred, Overseer of Mountainhome Fairdaggers,
Way to go.  You killed the Mountainhome.  Pay more attention next time.

Jerk.

[Mrhappyface]

Dear Dwarves,
Hold your breath longer

[Nyxalinth]

Dear ponies of Gemgrooves,

Considering I only have the military figured out on the most half-assed level, you guys did great with your first siege.  We lost seven ponies to the Dromedian invaders, but you killed them all.  And as for the Forgotten Beast?  Fine showing!  I didn't think you'd take him down.  I'll be monitoring you all for any nasty effects.  I don't think he had a chance to use his poisons, though.  Thankfully.

Your Overpony