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[Theifofdreams]

Dear Grytorm,

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!?!?


-Urist

Dear -Urist
The same thing as every other dwarf. We're a mad, maaaad race of xenophobic, nihilistic, selfish pricks. The better question is, what isn't wrong with you, to think that this was unacceptable?

- Urist mcCorpsehaulerthatfoundyourletter

[penguinofhonor]

Dear Indestructible Soldier,

There are three goblin macemen attacking you. They've been attacking you for weeks. Why the hell do I have to wait for you to die of thirst before this siege will end?

-penguinofhonor

[Keldor]

Dear penguinofhonor,

'Cause ye're supposed te be rescuin' me, ye numbskull!

-Indestructible Soldier

[lazygun]

Dear Urist McJuniorMason

Do you see that zone around the magma oubliette? Yes, the one marked garbage. "Garbage" not "Meeting Hall". And inactive anyway. So why for Armok's sake are you hanging around there while on break? And you have the cheek to complain about the smell!

Your bemused and frustrated fortress overlord.

[Garath]

do you see the small mining area i gave you? why do you still insist on burrowing through the middel and then haphazardly mining randon blocks in any location? i know a 3x3 area is very effective, but as soon as its 7x7, you run up and down, hacking at a spot here, poking a new spot somewhere away.... why dont you just mine the next closest piece noone else is mining?

[jamesadelong]

Dear Urist McKickass,

You were already a level 14 butcher.  I already loved and needed you.  Then you noticed my attempts to train up a blacksmith on random junk so we could have nice, masterwork gold statues for the base.  You then decided that was the job for you and went into a mood to build me an artifact iron door, thus launching yourself to legendary blacksmith status.  Thank you so much.  The engravers have finished lining your new expanded room with mostly masterwork engravings.  I'm buying some of your favorite materials to make you nice things out of.

Thanks again,
Your pleasantly surprised overlord.

Dear Iton

I would like to inform you that my foray into a variety of other industries is a well planned maneuver to ensure my survival. With time I hope to replace everybody inside this fortress and be the only one around. Then you won't have any choice but to keep me alive. Also, it means I get all of the *(*pigtail fiber socks*)*.

Sincerely UristMcKickass

[Theifofdreams]

do you see the small mining area i gave you? why do you still insist on burrowing through the middel and then haphazardly mining randon blocks in any location? i know a 3x3 area is very effective, but as soon as its 7x7, you run up and down, hacking at a spot here, poking a new spot somewhere away.... why dont you just mine the next closest piece noone else is mining?

Dear Garath

It gives a pleasing symmetry while I work, why else? And exercise, which is important for any healthy dwarf to have. if you want me to work one tile at a time, why not only tell me one at a time? or at least only have them in rows...

Urist Mcoverlyelaborateminer

[Mrhappyface]

Here is a immigration form, mandatory for all unsure arrivals useless migrants to the fortress:
1. What skills do you bring to the mountain home? Explain...
2. What do you plan to achieve here? Explain...
3. Do you feel you will be happy here? Y/N
4. Are you willing to live your life here in a small 1*1 room with just a bed and having to subside on a diet of plump helmets and plump helmet wine? Y/N
5. Are you willing to spend your entire life creating rock mugs and plump helmet biscuits until you die alone and unremembered in some dark mineshaft? Y/N
6. Are you willing to forage for mushrooms and webs in a dark cavern filled with twisted abominations of the deep and horrors unremembered by the aeons past? Y/N
7. Are you willing to work next an open chasm leading into the fiery depths of the earth, and having to constantly be running up and down a flight of steps with chunks of heavy rock? Y/N



If you answered no to questions 3 to 7, then congratulations! You are now a member of the armed forces of the mountainhome! Don your metal armor and report to the training area, where you will be locked in for a week and beaten by wooden spears until unconscious!

[Shinotsa]

Here is a immigration form, mandatory for all unsure arrivals useless migrants to the fortress:
1. What skills do you bring to the mountain home? Explain...
2. What do you plan to achieve here? Explain...
3. Do you feel you will be happy here? Y/N
4. Are you willing to live your life here in a small 1*1 room with just a bed and having to subside on a diet of plump helmets and plump helmet wine? Y/N
5. Are you willing to spend your entire life creating rock mugs and plump helmet biscuits until you die alone and unremembered in some dark mineshaft? Y/N
6. Are you willing to forage for mushrooms and webs in a dark cavern filled with twisted abominations of the deep and horrors unremembered by the aeons past? Y/N
7. Are you willing to work next an open chasm leading into the fiery depths of the earth, and having to constantly be running up and down a flight of steps with chunks of heavy rock? Y/N



If you answered no to questions 3 to 7, then congratulations! You are now a member of the armed forces of the mountainhome! Don your metal armor and report to the training area, where you will be locked in for a week and beaten by wooden spears until unconscious!

Your fortress has attracted no migrants this season

[Garath]

I did what you wanted! I made a nice burrow encompass the whole inside of the fort, and all working space, all but the outside surface and the trap corridor.

SO

why did you still go outside! i forbid every item i could find outside, canceled every job.... WHY

ok, YOU escaped unharmed, but next time? who's next, will he be agile like you?

[Loud Whispers]

I did what you wanted! I made a nice burrow encompass the whole inside of the fort, and all working space, all but the outside surface and the trap corridor.

SO

why did you still go outside! i forbid every item i could find outside, canceled every job.... WHY

ok, YOU escaped unharmed, but next time? who's next, will he be agile like you?

That wasn't a dwarf, that was a badger.

In fact, every migrant has been a badger wearing a mask. You now have 200 adamantine clad badgers in the heart of your fortress.

Gg.

[Xenogenic]

I did what you wanted! I made a nice burrow encompass the whole inside of the fort, and all working space, all but the outside surface and the trap corridor.

SO

why did you still go outside! i forbid every item i could find outside, canceled every job.... WHY

ok, YOU escaped unharmed, but next time? who's next, will he be agile like you?

Dear Gareth,

Try linking this burrow to a civilian alert, and activating it on the military screen. All of use badgers will then run inside.

Yours,

Adamantine Clad Badger Corp

[calico103]

Dear Urist McArchitect,

You're an idiot. As if losing the materials you needed wasn't bad enough, you just had to lose them right next to the building you were supposed to use them for.

Seriously considering giving your job to someone else,
Calico



Dear Urist McFurnaceoperator

When I want a metalsmith forge to be built, you need to build the forge. We have more than enough steel bars from the creation forge (yeah, I'm using that, so sue me); stop making them. And don't go on break after you're done with the steel bars.

Get your job priorities straight,
Calico

[Doughnut189]

Dear starting seven dwarves, and Urist McPlanter in particular,

What the fuck are you guys doing? Only about three dwarves are occupied right now and those are the ones deforesting the map, digging a ditch, and building bridges.

So why, oh why, are the plump helmets rotting in the just-plowed fields?

If you guys starve and die this early on THEN YOU'RE NOT EVEN GETTING A DAMNED SLAB.

Sincerely,

je ne sais quoi

[calico103]

Dear Urist McTrader,

I hope you're happy. The merchant party has left, and you spent the whole time updating our stockpile records. I hope you like the position of Peasant, because that's what you are now. You have been replaced with Urist McItookyourjobhaha.

Get out of that office and get a life,
Calico

P.S.: Well, you took that rather well, considering you're now romantically involved with McItookyourjobhaha. However, he needs room to concentrate. Get out of his office.