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[Hitty40]

Dear Urist McHerbalist,

I know you showed up with no social skills and only an adequate guild rating in herbalism, but please at least do the one job your good at. I'm tired of dwarves complaining of starvation while you sit on your fat, beer-stinking ass on break for a whole year and let the crops wither.

Sincerely,

Your starving overlord

Dear I-could-give-a-rat's-ass-less-about-you-starving overlord,

I never was a life of the party, you know what I mean? Before I left, it was just me and Urist McCheesemaker, always sitting together, chatting, but I never got much of a kick out of it. I guess since I left my best friend, I've been looking for a new friend, someone who really enjoys working on farms and such.

[Vox]

Dear UristMcLazypants,

Quit bitching about your current job when your refused to do your last job and instead decided to idle for 3 months.

[krenshala]

Dear Lolokdodok Residents,

I would like to formally apologize for letting your alchoholic stockpiles run completely dry in the middle of winter while all other water sources were frozen solid.

However, I hold all of you, and specifically the expedition leader/broker/bookkeeper, responsible for the three deaths by dealchoholation that we suffered, reducing your numbers to 15.  I heard your pleas for liquor, and immediately ordered the construction of a still and brewing of many rock pots of various flavors. Long before anyone died.  Not only that, but if his-bookkeeperness hadn't insisted on keeping said books, even after already achieving the highest possible accuracy, napping for a month (really?  did you really need a month?), getting a drink and promptly going back to the books, we might have been able to sell the five bins worth of craft goods and three dozen (low quality) chalk pots to the merchants who were only too happy to buy at the discounts our shortage of alcohol ensured.  But no, instead of trading for a few minutes, he made sure the books were good to six figures (when we only needed two), and was, unfortunately, NOT one of the three casualties of his neglect.

And why, oh, why, did the vast majority of you choose to sit and complain about being thirsty while in the temporary meeting area, a mere four tiles from the only stockpile (containing a minimum 50 units of booze), and a dozen tiles from the still itself (with at least another 25 units), instead of getting off your idle arses and getting drinks for yourselves?

Damnit, Urists, I'm the Overseer, not a barkeep!  Get yer own damn drinks!

The Overseer
--
Dear Erush, Ghostly Woodcutter,

Thank you for not injuring or frightening your (former?) fortress mates upon your return after dehydrating in your sleep in what is now the Militia Commander's room.  If it is your desire to haunt the booze stockpile of the just completed First Hall, I am not going to complain.  Just try to keep the ectoplasm in the booze to a minimum.

Thank you,

Your Apologetic Overseer

[DwarvenHandGrenades]

Dear UristMcReleaseThePandaMen while I understand that you're not the most mentally adept and the pandamen do look like large teddy bears releasing them into the fortress in a so called "Fun time" is not acceptable.We already lost most of the fortress to them.

Sincerely
Moderately Annoyed Underpaid overseer.

[Hitty40]

Dear UristMcReleaseThePandaMen while I understand that you're not the most mentally adept and the pandamen do look like large teddy bears releasing them into the fortress in a so called "Fun time" is not acceptable.We already lost most of the fortress to them.

Sincerely
Moderately Annoyed Underpaid overseer.

Dear Overseer,

What? I can't hear you since those pandamen nearly ripped my ears off. Speak louder!

Urist

[DwarvenHandGrenades]

Dear Urist,

Thank you for releasing those trapped Pandamen and liberating many dwarves of their organs.In return for this service please go stand over there in that special "Fun pool" and don't leave until you're positively drowning in "fun"
Kind Regards
Bored yet sadistic Overseer (of fun)

[Muttonhawk]

Dear Urist,

The horse that was caught and subsequently marked as tame by you, the animal trainer, appears to be scaring all dwarves who I tasked to put it in the pasture so we could keep its meat fresh. Please do your job properly next time.

-Mutton,
Steward of Redgates

Dear all you other Urists,

Contrary to popular belief, LIVESTOCK DOES NOT HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY!! That rather passive scary horse that is supposed to be tame wandering the halls is no spiritual or political figure, let alone a martyr. He's not even anyone's pet for Armok's sake. Me marking it for death at the hands of our capable military should not be such an injustice as to cause a rift in society and prompt you to start beating each other to death. A loyalty cascade that ended up causing the end of the fort in the hysteria and madness that followed the creation of your newfangled 'birth of an independent and liberal society, free from the tyranny of those who would seek to kill innocent horses that scare us all enough for an excuse to get out of work'.

-Mutton
Steward of Redgates

[Lordraymond]

Dear Urist McMiner

While I realize we all want to keep a tidy fort, your a MINER for a reason. I assigned you to clear out that room for the food stockpile and farm expansion we so desperately needed, and you insisted on hauling every stone you mined back to the stockpile in between mining them, even though I explicitly told you not to.

Sincerely yours,
Your baffled-as-to-why-his-dwarves-are-food-challenged overseer

[GreatWyrmGold]

Dear dwarves,
We have crops in the fields and assorted gathered plants strewn about the soiley parts of the fortress AND the surface. We have not one, but two food stockpiles. We have prepared meals being made. PLEASE, haul some food!
Sincerely,
GWG, Ovrsr.

Dear soapmaker, whomever you are:
You built a workshop. If you aren't hauling food, MAKE SOME SOAP TO MAKE ROOM FOR THE FOOD.
Sincerely,
GWG, Ovrsr.

[MadocComadrin]

Dear GWG,

You mean this white, powdery liquid isn't foo--ARRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHH MAH MOUF, ID BUUUUWWWWWWWWNNNNNNNSTH!

Sincerely,

Urist McSoapmaker

[Rasputin]

Dear Urist McWashinprivate,

For 30 years we have been building this fort as a monument to Dwarven ingenuity.
We have claimed the depths and the surface, we have mighty walled defences including magma vomiting gargoyles, to keep you and your fellow Dwarves safe from hostiles.
Knowing that security must not impinge on your luxuries, such as fresh fish, cleaning, bathing, and if you really must drinking, we have gone to great lengths to include the river in our fort.
The river is right next to the underground entrance and far from the trapped but open fort gates, yet I am still having reports of you wandering miles out of the fort to wash in a muddy puddle in private.

I assume this is shyness on your behalf, not wanting to wash with the others, or even using the well room provided... Needless to say having sent a footpatrol out for the fifth time to rescue you from Goblins, I am getting a little frustrated.

I have plans to install some 'shower' facilities especially for the more difficult to please, such as yourself.

No need to thank me, my thanks will be getting to Pull the Lever for you.

Overseer Urist McNeverbaths

[Salmonpunch]

Dear Urist McDoctor, I really wish that you would carry your comrades to bed when they're dying of a severed lower half so that they can die in (relative) comfort and with dignity, instead of leaving them on the dirt floor to die like an animal in the decrepit corner that goblin thief stabbed them in.

-Salmonpunch

[BeefotronX]

Dear Urist McEngraver

Next time unspeakable catastrophe occurs, like for instance a forgotten beast gets everyone in the main dining hall with its paralytic venom, try depicting something about the beast or the dwarfs who died.  If you should be set to chisel like there's no tomorrow on a stretch of wall in the corridor, to set down what very well could be your epitaph, keep in mind that you could be struck down suddenly.  Keep in mind that each engraving could be your last.   Do you really want to be carving "A nicely detailed image of thin crosses" when the gemcutter just went mad and murdered your auntie?

Cordially,
Lord Beef

[nymall]

Dear Urist McMason,

I know you and your fellow workers are fond of cats. I am fond of the fluffy !!Plump Kitty Roasts!! as well. However...

Cats are not immovable. They are not holy. There is no law that you cannot push them aside, and build that DAMMED-ABLE WALL! The wall is much more important then Mr. Fluffykins having a nice cat shaped hole to sun bathe in, in the middle of our defenses no less! Do you want to be the first to meet the Elves?! Remember last year? The balista bolts, and the bridge? I think we'll use you as our one man greeting squad this year.

Sincerely,
Overlord Nymall

[krenshala]

Dear GWG,

You mean this white, powdery liquid isn't foo--ARRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHH MAH MOUF, ID BUUUUWWWWWWWWNNNNNNNSTH!

Sincerely,

Urist McSoapmaker

Explain to me again why Lye is in the food stockpile list, and not the stone or at least bar/block list?  I know it isn't in block form, but it is most definitely not food.