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[Table Turning]

Dear Urist McCarpenter:

I understand your grief over losing your wife.  She was killed tragically in a cave-in accident.  Now what I am angry about is what you did to the mayor.  No no, you going to cry on his shoulder is fine, but having a tantrum and breaking his upper spine in the middle of the meeting is NOT okay.  I'm particularly disturbed at the fact that you calmed down after breaking his spine and cried on his shoulder until he died from suffocation.

Can you PLEASE not do this again?

Signed-The Newly Elected Mayor

[Jacob/Lee]

Dear UristMcSteelHammerDwarf,

Yes, I know, you're the only soldier. But please, stop organizing combat training with just yourself, it's creeping out some of the other citizens. I'll get you squadmates one day.

Yours,
The Overseer.


Dear Overseer,

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Yours,
UristMcSteelHammerDwarf

[rosareven]

Dear UristMcArchitect,

Thank you for letting me realise that burrow does not, in fact, prevent you from breaking the boundry of the burrow you are assigned to, to build one piece of a wall from inside a sealed room and thus getting yourself trapped regardless.

Unfortunately, should this ever happen again when I commence another well or magma forge project, I might have to just leave you there instead.

Yours,
Overseer

[Hitty40]

Dear Urist McMonk,

I must say you are a true hero and an idiot. While everyone else was getting their armor and weapon, you mindlessly ran outside and proceeded to fight the 30-Goblin siege with nothing but your fists and the clothes on your back. At first I thought you were gonna die, but after reading the combat reports, you dodged swords, lashes, and arrows like a badass, earning you 27 kills headshotting goblins and evening ripping one in half. Unfortunately, when another squad showed up about 20 seconds later, you went off and fought them near the river, having the local alligators over there to attack the squad and you, dodging their attacks until you fell into the river and drowned.

I don't make expensive coffins for being stupid, Urist McMonk! WOOD COFFIN FOR YOU!

                                                        -Urist McCoffinMaker

[Jacob/Lee]

Dear Urist McHighMasterGemSetter,

When you are encrusting the statues for the soldiers' burial chamber, please put interesting events on there. Sure, a demon killing a centauress four centuries ago might seem cool but considering half the dwarves here flunked history I wouldn't be surprised if none of them got it.

Yours,
The Overseer

[Keldane]

Dear Urist McCook,

While I wholly appreciate your enthusiasm in making a lavish roast, I feel the need to question your choices of ingredients. As near as I can tell, you took a length of intestine, cracked several hundred eggs into it, tied off the ends, and roasted it over a fire. That said, thank you for singlehandedly providing enough food for every dwarf in the fort for, quite possibly, the next five years.

Sincerely,

The Not-So Hungry Overseer.

[Vehudur]

Dear Not-So Hungry Overseer

What did ye want me ta do?  I just used what I could get me hands on.  And ye should try it, it'll do yer guts good!

Sincerely,

Urist McCook.

[ClkWrkJester]

Dear Urist McBlacksmith,
I love the quality of statues you are making from the abundant gold in our fortress and the wealth increases they offer.  They are giving happy thoughts all over.  The steel statues you have crafted for the barracks , too, are really impressive.

Just could you please pick something other than when our civilization's military was butchered by elves?

Please?

Its freaking demoralizing.

-Your confused Overseer

[Jacob/Lee]

Oh sweet Armok, that's perfect. It's like the engraver going "why don't I engrave a picture of the vermin hated by only a single person in the whole fortress in his room?" deal but even better.

[jaxy15]

Dear Dwarves of Plankruled,

I am telling you to prepare sugar, flour and other things for a reason.
Stop eating raw foods, eat the damn prepared meals.

Sincerely, the overseer.

Dear Urist McBrewer,

At least someone here has good manners. I thank you for having quarry bush leaves as one of your favorite foods. I also thank you for getting a happy thought from it.

Sincerely, the overseer.

[Oaktree]

Dear Urist McGuardCaptain,

When I sent your squad topside to chase off a couple of goblin archers I viewed it as a training exercise since your marksdwarf squad has often been skipped over in order to give the axe and sword dwarves all the glory and monster kill lists.  Being used to the odd behaviors of my military I set up a checkpoint in the tunnel to verify equipment was being worn.

I appreciate that you opted to wear your full issue kit of steel armor.  What I do not appreciate is that in your haste to kick goblin butt you left your crossbow back in the barracks.   

Great example you set for the rest of your squad.  But I note that when they eventually did turn up for the mission they did bring crossbows.

In any case an impressive kill you made on that goblin - bruised him up nicely with your shield and that "wave them about by the arm until they pass out" routine is one for the books -- if you were a melee soldier that is.  Topped off by kicking his head in.

I think you should pay more attention to how your squad handled the other goblin.  They put a couple of bolts in his lungs and then proceeded to kick him to pieces.  A bit more efficient that way, isn't it?

[Keldane]

Dear Sarvesh Morulkastar, the Crimson Legend of Rampage,

 You, sir, have won my respect and admiration. Your deft defense against the goblin ambushes that have sought to enter our home has impressed me enough simply by you walking away uninjured each time despite your incomplete set of armor. As if that wasn't sufficient, you chose for yourself what is easily the most badass title I have ever heard. I deeply appreciate your commitment to our meagre hole in the ground, and pray to Armok that you do not meet the same fate as the poor Tobul Lesastcatten, the Pointy Pear of Laboring, who drowned when the miners took their sweet-ass time in digging out the side of the murky pool to drain it when he dodged the wrong way.

Sincerely,

The overseer of Phantommachines.

[BurnCruise]

Dear Urist McSworddwarf,

I apologize profusely about the loss of your husband and newborn in yesterdays battle against the goblin siege. You did elect to bring the child with you though.

Its just... did you have to kill your dog too? I mean come on.

Yours truly,
The dictator

[raptorfangamer]

Dear Urist McBroker.

I know that you are a bookkeeper too, that wont give you the rights to update stocks, sleep, eat, and have a sudden break (even after you have TONS of freetime after the stocks part) RIGHT, when theres a caravan that might have some ammo, weaponry, or trap components...

[Wannazzaki]

Dear military squad.

You are ten masters in your field from hammer, to spear to sword. You can dodge any attack, resist any blow that lands and...you all fucking dodged into the magma lake. You, and then the marksmen decided they would use their bows as clubs, and lo and behold, you also dodged into the magma lake. I fucking hate all of you.

Sincerely, an overseer who will not be making you any slabs.