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[Urist McTaverish]

Dear HammerElf,

You are NOT Cacame Awemedinade so stop trying! My dragon already slaughtered your squad and...

Well thank you at least for providing my pet dragon with a title now.  Hope you rot, though dragonfire doesn't leave much behind.

Your Not-So-Loving Comrade What Lurks In The Dark.

[Varnifane]

Dear dwarven mother whose child was just mauled by goblin pikemen.

Why would you run past the safely guarded corpse of your child to pick up his socks in the midst of the remaining goblins?

[GreatWyrmGold]

Dear Urist McExpeditionLeader,
I know you don't like conducting meetings in the dormitory, so conduct them in that office you have! I know you know you have it, you were updating stockpile records there just the other day...
Sincerely,
GWG, Ovrsr.

[Corwyn]

Dear Human Trader Ebdi,

  When your Liason left last summer we sent him a short list of things any dwarf would greet with open arms.  Bring us meat.  Bring us precious metals that are in short supply.  Bring us alcohol.

  Your packmules were almost lost to a goblin ambush but your brave lasher (who should survive with just minor injuries, good job!) kept them distracted for the 10 seconds for my champions to charge from their patrol route to protect the slow moving beasts.

  You've returned to us with over 10,000 urists worth of these things, including 30 barrels of alcohol.  I am impressed and pleased.  We will throw a fortress wide party for you.  Your ruler will get quite the bonus that I'm sure some will be divested your way.

  Also do you know what happened to the elves?  They brought us 'cultivated' wood last year that this mountainous terrain lacks as well as berries and booze and left alive and wealthier for not wasting my time with oversized cloth armors and useless trinkets.  But this year I hadn't had a single trader since the last from Mountainhome.

~Overseer Corwyn
Suspects foul goblish tamperings with the flow of riches in the kingdoms.

[Ninjamestari]

Dear Marksman squad:

When I told you to retreat from your shooting tower I meant it. It's your own fault that goblin elite bowman nailed you while you were shooting his minions. Well, at least one of you obeyed and survived the ambush. He shall become the leader of my grand new squad!

-The boss of our great military base

[Greiger]

To all residents,

As you know we recently captured and tamed a female basilisk.  These make excellent war creatures, however we need to breed some extras before we can deploy them, and due to racial circumstances we need to do so with an airlock system.  Which means we need a volunteer to be sealed away for years with the beast.  Free food and board will be provided.  Please see the mayor for more information.

The Administration

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
To all residents,

It seems nobody volunteered to be locked into a small room with a number of smelly horny reptiles, I am disappointed in your lack of any sense of duty.

In other news we are starting a contest, first resident to reach the newly constructed basilisk pen and sleep in the shiny new bed constructed there gets a date with an attractive young female that may or may not last for an eternity.  Better hurry!

P.S. Military or otherwise useful residents do not qualify, sorry.

The Administration
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

To Caestra Shinplay, animal caretaker,

Congratulations on winning the date, I noticed you are already married?  Marriage not working out I guess?

Anyway you may have noticed the external door has been locked, you may have also noticed the 10 years worth of food and the well in the corner.  You may have also noticed the very large venomous reptile locked in the room with you.  Don't worry, she's tame.

Please finish construction of that nest box in the corner so that she may start producing eggs.  Yes I know there is no male basilisk in the room.  I have observed that they somehow manage to produce useable eggs anyway.  I don't know how that happens and I don't think I want to know, however your wife and children have already been informed of your death in an unfortunate soap making mishap.

The administration.

[Table Turning]

Dear local chimp hoarders:

Do you really require the entire population's worth of gibbons and chimps to follow you?
It freaks out the other dwarfs when you bring them to the keg party.
Signed-Worried Overseer

Dear local chimp hoarders:
Nevermind, your pet chimps just mauled an entire squad of goblin bowmen.  Thank you.
Signed-Grateful Overseer

[bran34]

Dear UristMcHunter

While I understand that Groundhogs are rather small animals, it should -never- take four crossbow bolts to kill one.  Especially when it ruptures said groundhog's intestine.  All this does it fill your after-hunt paperwork with THE GROUNDHOG WRETCHES, THE GROUNDHOG VOMITS, THE GROUNDHOG WRETCHES, THE GROUNDHOG VOMITS.

- Yours truly, the Overlord.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Dear UristMcOverZealousCaptain

Yes, the Groundhog in the letter I sent to our Fortress's hunter may have needed to be euthanized, but did you -really- have to chop it's head off?  I mean, come on...  I really didn't need to know that you stabbed a poor groundhog in the neck and severed it's head.  That's a little gruesome, don't you think, Urist?

-Yours Truly, The Overlord.

[Ross Vernal]

Dear Professional Military:

Kill Goblin is not advice, it is an order. Just because he is in water that is 3/7 is no reason to ignore him.

[GreatWyrmGold]

Dear local aligator,
If you want to loiter around here, please be so kind as to eat those four untrained, unarmed, unarmored, should-be-naked-but-they're-ignoring-that dwarves that I sent to attack you. Don't die instead!

Sincerely,
Trying to get rid of several totally useless migrants.

[Clutzy]

To those with the title of Urist Mason,

There will be an upcoming seminar on "Finish your work" that's mandatory for all of you, even the ones active with stone detailing. This is in reaction to the amount of half-finished walls for many of the bedrooms that are needed. As guilt apparently hasn't worked, by the constant reminders and mandates that there is much overcrowding, homeless, and general crotchiness, so yes the walls *do* need finished sooner than later, management has decided on a more drastic attempt. Business seminar boredom. The content of the seminar will be engaging in discussion while keeping dorfy PC fashion about why walls need to be finished instead of deciding to have a meal and pretend it's finished. We expect the next images Engravers put up all be about your supplication to doing your job instead of being Urist Mc-Let's-Homeless-Run-Rampants.

[Mr Frog]

To Our Esteemed Soldierdwarfs,

Several of you have filed complaints recently regarding the sudden cessation of food and drink deliveries to your posts. We apologize for this inconvenience. Since assigning each of you a satchel of food and a waterskin, we have been operating under the assumption that you are not so ridiculously lazy as to wait for food to be brought to you instead of opening your bag and getting some yourself. Apparently, we were incorrect in this assumption.

As we do not wish to force any dwarf into a job s/he does not find comfortable, anyone else who complains about this will be promptly removed from military service and assigned the task of inspecting the construction of our entry tunnel magma trap.

While it is running.

With Love,
Your Kind and Just Ruler.

[azrael4h]

Dear Urist McMiner

You dug that alcove out specifically so you could stand away from the impending collapse of the platform I was using to breach the aquifer. Not on the platform, sending yourself down 4 z levels to a watery grave. Thanks for the tantrum spiral ***hole.

[Tiruin]

Dear Miner Foreman,
You are one of the founding seven, the eldest and most experienced miner in the fortress. Your skills and character truly make a dwarf, one who works until tired and takes very little time on breaks. Your speed and skill with the pick are unmatched, and you have proven it against not one, not two but FIVE armed goblins in a siege.

Remember that small Ruby cluster I asked you to dig out topside? I think I forgot to assign a warning level to my scouts to alert all civilians. Many were slaughtered that day, only very few made it back under the earth. I panicked and as the floor hatch swung shut I searched for any noise outside.

I kept on hearing some dwarves screaming something that sounded like cancel design or something. I took a peep from my crystal glass window and saw you, alone in the quarry. A whole squad of gobbo's were heading towards you.

All was lost so I sent out a militia force to save you. Apparently, you didn't need saving...

A report from one of the scouts told me of what you've done. Emptying a nearby murky pool to slow down and break the enemy formation and then enter a martial trance with a pick!

For everything I said about you and your kin, I take it back. You have shown me what it takes to be a dwarf.

And, sorry if I nearly got you killed. We're all right with that right?

                                                                                                                                -Militia Commander/Overseer

[GreatWyrmGold]

Dear Chief Medical Dwarf,
Next time I turn off most of your labors so you can go diagnose someone, please let me know that I forgot to turn on your diagnosis labor.
My fault,
GreatWyrmGold, Overseer.