Print

Please login or register.
1 Hour 1 Day 1 Week 1 Month Forever
Login with username, password and session length

[DuckThatQuacks]

To: Urist McNolimbs, Mayor of Grouptomb
From: The League of Nearby Nations

Dear Mr. McNolimbs,

We are all grateful to you for your sacrifices during the invasion of 1054 -- your bold charge broke the back of the goblin army, preventing our mutual enemy from capturing a vital fortress. We understand that, due to the severe injuries you sustained during the engagement, you are confined to your bed and your range of possible activities is limited. However, we would appreciate it if you could find the strength to meet briefly with our diplomats. They understand your situation, and are not offended by your inability to meet with them. However, they are unwilling to return home without meeting with you first -- and the new ones we send every year seem to encounter the same dilemma. Please meet with them. We are running out of diplomats.

Sincerely,
The Nearby Heads of State

P.S. You may wish to consider renaming your fort. It might increase migration.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

My injured mayor won't meet with diplomats, but they don't get angry and leave -- they just hang around, and more keep showing up.

[Quietust]

To: Ast Udasob, Domas Ralamnek Kezat Omshit, Melbil Eribthortith Idathtogal Kas, and the rest of the military of Shadelabors
From: The Management

There are more goblins sneaking around outside, so we need you to stand guard in front of the entrance while the civilians collect the remains of the squad you just vanquished. You all have rations in your backpacks and your waterskins are full of booze, so quit complaining that you are hungry and/or thirsty.

P.S. When your orders are momentarily cancelled so that you can finally eat or drink, it is not necessary to walk all the way back to the barracks before returning to the same location where you were stationed in the first place.

[Argonnek]

To the mechanics of MassiveCity,

Link the damn floodgates before the river thaws and drowns you all.

--Overseer Argonnek

[Jayce]

Dear dorfs(specify military)
Please dont run out solo into a sieging force of 100 goblins.

[Neopolis]

To: Urist McLiaison
From: The Management of Beardhut

Dear Mister McLiaison,

First of all, let me apologize for the breaking of your arm, your leg, your rib, and your lung. Second of all, please understand that our mayor is a very busy man. He has other things to do than attend to meetings, such as the removing of floors that were built to connect to an underground cavern. Standing on that floor while he removes it will not get you his attention any sooner, it'll just result in a painful three z-level drop.

Kind regards,
the management

[Golcondio]

Attention: All Dwarves

Dear Stumpies,

Why did you start disobeying me in such a blatant way?
I issued a "all dorfs inside" alert, why the Hell would you start ignoring it and go collecting socks from the battlefield DURING A FRIGGING SIEGE?

And you, Urist McCluelessRecruit, did you not attend any training? "Pickup equipment" means that you go and PICK UP YOUR GLODSDAMNED EQUIPMENT, not that you should GO OUTSIDE AND DROP YOUR MASTERWORK STEEL SHIELD in a random spot!

Magmatically yours,

The Overlord

[UndergroundTree]

Dear Urist McEternalParty

You are a Elf.


Signed, Your overseer.


PS, We have your cat.

[Zidane]

Urists McIdlers


I know you are new to my fortress, and I know my managing skills need some fine tuning but... That's no reason to just stay in my dining room drinking all of my ale, and mushrooms. Me and the miners are making a special dormitory for all of you though! As soon as mt miners find an aquifer, we'll set you right up!

PS. At least the children HAUL, you just sit there! I'm talking to you CHEESEMAKER.

[Olith McHuman]

Dear Urist McChild:

Normally I would thank you for removing a construction in the only way that would cause a cave-in. No really, crushing the other useless dorfs who were also removing constructions would have made my day. However, you apparently were not aware that you were on top of the 150 Z-LEVEL PUMP STACK MADE OF ALL STEEL PARTS THAT TOOK DECADES TO BUILD. I hope you enjoy being turned into a toad with runesmith. Just sayin.

Sincerely,
Your now homicidal Overlord

[ledgekindred]

Dear cats of the fortress,

The Danger Room full of repeating spikes is for military training, however please feel free to step in and visit.  We have plenty idlers to come clean your corpses out of the way.  Thanks to the legendary dining room, legendary chef, legendary brewer and meeting hall with a lovely well, statues and cages full of your fellow brethren and sisteren and other interesting animals, everyone is ecstatic and your owners have barely noticed your ceasing to take up space (and fps) in our fort.

Ha ha,
Your Fortress Overlord, Esq.

P.S. Yes I made the door impassable on purpose.  Serves you right for trying to sneak in in the first place.

[Shootandrun]

Dear Urist McMayor

During the last months, i saw you doing things that i don't like to see. You remember, killing that child? The miner? Worst of all, the cat of the sheriff, causing him to go berserk too? I'm sure you understand that i can't let you keep killing dwarves. Of course, it's harder now that you are the best fighter in the fortress. To protect the others dwarves, i have been forced to lock them in the fortress for a moment. But now its finished.
Have fun to meet your death, you damn murderer. She's called "Fourty elephants released on a single dwarf".

PS: Just in case, i think you will be happy to notice that they are not Elephants, but !!Elephants!!

The overseer.

[Xerillum]

Dear 199 Urist McCitizens,

Please feel free to ignore the "stay inside" alert the next time burning hot magma starts flowing to the top of the fortress.

Sincerely, the overlord.

P.S., Urist McFarmer, Congratulations on getting stuck behind a wall of obsidian on the farm 20 z-levels down, you are now the last survivor. Also, can you please stop crying about your friends long enough to drink something?

[timtek]

Dear Urist McIceskater, please for the love of god stay off the damn ice. You know it's gonna melt, it always does. You've seen three of your fellow dwarves fall in an drown, and yet every time there's ice, off you go!

[Shagomir]

Dear Urist McIceskater, please for the love of god stay off the damn ice. You know it's gonna melt, it always does. You've seen three of your fellow dwarves fall in an drown, and yet every time there's ice, off you go!

d-o-r yourself some restricted traffic areas over any bodies of water that freeze, and as long as there is a non-restricted route, your dwarfs should never path over it.

I wrote the same Dear Urist letter myself, before I learned about this.

[timtek]

I'll have to give that a try. I'm still learning and I forgot that I could restrict areas. Thanks!