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[LuckyLuigi]

Dear Urist,

When you woke from sleeping in a fey mood and a burning desire to make an artifact I was pleased.
Your artifact is a sheep wool thong.

...

WHAT THE HELL WHERE YOU DREAMING ??

[Deus Machina]

Dear Urist McCan'tFindHisShit,

Fine, you can't store something because it's inaccesible. Fine. Whatever. Stop trying. You alone have created pages upon pages of cancellation messages.

If you can't reach something, either let me know what it actually is so I can help out, or just consider that sock freaking lost.

If you weren't our resident legendary stonecrafter, the first page of cancellation messages would have had you inaccessible: encased in obsidian.

Just waiting for your wife to hit legendary,
the X over the lever.

[Fahgo]

Dear Meng Olonkon, Blacksmith.

What, exactly, did Zaneg Tunneledring do to you? Out of the 10 gold statues I asked you to make 4 are of Zaneg. 1 is of him being promoted to expedition leader and the rest are of him getting the sack! was he such a bad leader that you had to celibrate his dismisal 3 times? I mean... its a bit harsh dont you think? when those get put up he's going to be constantly bumping into statues of him weeping.

Sincerely,
the-mean-overlord-who-will-be-putting-those-statues-outside-Zanegs-room 

[Jacos]

Dear Urist,

FUCKING STAND ON THAT BRIDGE YOU PUSSY, THIS IS !SCIENCE!!

- Your Insane Overlord Benefactor.

[shadenight123]

Dear mcminers.
This is a brief note.
You are IDIOTS.
While i can understand that i did actually give the order to mine out a vein of gold, i never specified you had to breach the cavern. ON the same level a flying one eyed FB hornet was resting.
It killed 5 of you. Luckily i had 12 miners.
However 5 of you are dead.
now i closed it off with walls, but listen well, there is ANOTHER FB lurking around. A globe of Snow with only two tails...IF, and i stress the IF you dare open again the caverns in ANYWAY, i'm sooo going to magma you. Or make you the lucky *breach the candy bar* dwarf.
You have been warned.
sincerely, your god.

Dear Mcwarriors,
next time, do 100z levels FASTER in descending. Some of the miners were actually dieing of old age and not because of the FB.

[Shook]

Dear Urist McSheriff,

When a tantrum spiral is brewing, administering a "beating" with an *iron battle axe* was not the brightest idea you ever had. I'm not sure if an angry dorf killed you or you went insane and died, but either way, you fucking deserved it. 6 dorfs died due to your overzealous beatings, which caused even more dorfs to punch each other and go insane. Many of them were legendary or the only dorfs proficient in their fields, so i hope you're happy with yourself.

Yours quite candidly,
Overseer McShook

---

Dear Urist McAxeLord,
How the great babbling kitten roast beef did you survive getting your unconscious skull slashed, stabbed and bashed by pissy invaders for two days straight without injuries? I know you're a damned good armor user, but holy shit man. Give that helm a name, will you? It'll make the armorer proud of his beard.

Yours still baffled,
howthefuckdidyousurvivethat McShook

[TheeBaconman]

Dear military,

The armorer, crafter, and the clothier, have set up your gear. Now why do some of y'all not wear it? It would be highly recommended that you equip your armor.

Also, Dear Mcwrestler

I know he was punching you, but did you have to kill him? If you just got into a brawl with the tantruming dual-shields man it would've let go of some steam. But you had to go for the brain, much like the fortress guard does. He was an experimental warrior we were testing. I advise you to not kill anymore of my men, if you do not comply I may have to send you out alone, without your shield (Armok will decide your fate).

Again, Dear military in general

Do you see what happens without your helmets. You just might get brained less by a punch in the face if you put helmets on. Just a thought.

With a big brotherly love, your domineering overlord

[Broseph Stalin]

Dear Urist McMason,

I know you're enjoying your break after you're long stretch of joblessness (because I haven't asked you to smooth, build, or really do anything in at least two seasons) but those three walls that would take you maybe four minutes to construct are kind of important to keeping lava from killing everything you love. So I guess just give me a ring if you ever decide to postpone your ridiculously long -- oh never mind you're going to *sigh* get a drink.

Dear Urist McTantrumpants,

The loss of a friend is a tragedy and my heart goes out to you in a your time of grief but I fear I must insist that in the future you vent your frustrations in a more positive way. I'm very sorry about your hand as well but in the future please do not punch the war crocodiles because you're upset, there is literally no other way this could have gone.

[Oaktree]

Dear Thikut McGeneralist,

We are happy that you have decided to take up some specialization after being fairly unskilled in about everything.  We guess that getting put on strand extraction duty can be quite boring.  At that you have now made an artifact slate harp that is quite pretty and thus helped you master stone crafting.

However, if you *EVER AGAIN* use one our limited supply of adamantine wafers to make a decorative band we will ask you to take up the rewarding task of magma crafting.

- The Management

[Othagrujit]

Dear Urist McLegendarydigger,

I know I told you to channel a square shaft around that magma piston, but that was only because I expected you to take the path of least resistance and dig straight down.  However, since you've chosen the less intuitive "haphazard spiral" digging pattern, I have no choice to but to let you perish from that head wound you received falling 3 z-levels.

Sincerely,
            Your Faithful Overseer

P.S. - I would say sorry about your baby, but that was your own #@$% fault too.

[kilozombie]

Dear Urist McWallsAreNotImportant:

I know you like sleeping, but we currently have no beds, rooms, or a secure fortress because YOU HAVE BEEN NEGLECTING ORDERS FOR THE PAST 3 MONTHS.

From, kilozombie

[iwog]

Dear Urist McImmigrant and Co,

No I'm not lowering the bridge onto the island, you and your 21 friends only have yourself to blame for stumbling into not one but two goblin ambushes.  There are 50 of us in here with far more useful skills then what appears to be the overflow from the lye makers guild out there. 

If any of you survive until either the dwarven caravan gets here in the autumn or the military are ready to kill those 2 ambushes then you'll be welcomed in with open arms (and watched for any mental issues arising from your encounter with the goblins).

If the far more likely outcome of all your deaths occurs please don't worry, you will all be given coffins that will line the road on the way into the fortress to serve as a warning to all future immigrants about the dangers of wandering carelessly about the landscape.

Sincerely,

Your Uncaring Overlord

[Broseph Stalin]

Dear All dwarves enjoying parties, breaks, and off-time,

When  I ask you to get inside, hide the animals, lock the doors, and pull a lever in rapid succession just assume your lives depend on it because nine out of ten times YOUR LIVES DEPEND ON IT!

P.S. I am aware that the item  you want to stockpile is inaccessible, we are in lockdown the goal of which is for things outside to remain outside. 

[Madurjafro]

Dear All Dwarves,

I swear to God The next time you don't pull the lever to stop the river irrigating our farm and instead to go eat. I will just leave and watch you all drown, JUST STOP PROCRASTINATING.

Yours Truly, Your Crazy Loving Overlord.

Dear Parent Civ,

At What point in your mind do you think a fledgling fortress would need Glazers? You know, a farmer would have been nice, or a Metalsmith.

From an Overlord.

[Silent_Thunder]

Dear Urist McMayor,
I understand how valuable chalk is to a fortresses wealth, thats why i was delighted to find out you enjoyed it, and thus mandates were always easy to fufill. However, now that you have decided that chalk, which i remind you pays for our military's equipment, is not to be exported during the largest import of military weaponry yet, you may find youself as the sheriff as well. yeah shame about those broken legs, guess nobody gets beaten today.
Love,
The overseer

PS: it appears you have decided the doctor is to be punished, this amuses me.