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[jaxy15]

Dear Axedwarves,

Come the hell on, those axetigers were unconscious.
You could've dealt with them later.
You just HAD to let the second squad go on a rampage.
Thanks to you, our mayor is miserable because his dog pets died, and our best marksdwarf is also miserable because her friends died.

[Pistolero]

our best marksdwarf is also miserable because her friends died.

Oh yeah that's going to be awesome.

[jaxy15]

our best marksdwarf is also miserable because her friends died.

Oh yeah that's going to be awesome.

She's just very unhappy now.

[Agent_86]

She's just very unhappy now.

Oh, what a legendary dining room can't fix...

[Angry Bob]

Dear Urist mcspammy

STOP F*CKING SAYING YOU CAN'T PICK UP ITEMS TO PLACE THEM IN A STOCKPILE! THEY ARE EASILY ACCESIBLE!

from, the overseer

Solution:
1. Make him a militia captain in a squad with no assigned equipment.
2. Build a 3x3 room filled with 10xmenacing spikes spike traps. Attach all traps to a lever.
3. Station him in that room.
4. Pull the Lever/R
5.
6. Profit!

[Lost_Deep]

Dear goblins,

I'm sure you feel pretty good for yourselves.
You finally took a small fortress, totaling 33 dwarves at the time, and killed everyone inside.
I would like to point out that this is not an epic accomplishment.
putting aside the fact that I opened the drawbrige for you, (despite the fact that the door to it's left was completely unlocked) you were really, really bad at the whole "kill the fortress" thing.
I am specifically referring to the fact that this is the third ambush that got into my walls. No, the first two were not repulsed by caravan guards, traps, and military might. Both times, all my civilians were unarmed and running scared (not all that fast, either). In the end, the only way I survived this long is because the first two ambushes got bored and left.
I would just like to say, man up wimps. If you start something, finish it. Don't drag it out over a year. I was down to five dwarves! Five WIMP dwarves!
I'm just saying, finish what you start as soon as possible, or someday you will find a fort that can recover from disaster.

[Wurgel]

Dear Urist McMarksdwarfs,

i know, bolts are heavier then, lets say a featherwood-splint. But if you didnt noticed:
YOU. CANT. SHOOT, WITHOUT. THEM!

See that Mind Flayer with just 3 tentacles left flying over the entrace? Its the last enemy of the siege 2 seasons ago. He doesnt want to retreat or fight. he just floated over the entrace and scares your friends.

So get some stupid bolts and shoot him down. I know you can reach the Ammo-stockpile. YOU WERE SLEEPING IN IT! You even have quivers. Why i know that? i saw you putting 1 single bolt in it. And dont say you carry the masterpiece Crossbows just for fun.

You prety angry floating x


Dear Urist McBrainlesspeasants,

that Mind Flayer above your heads is injured and just floats around. pls just ignor him. And if you cant ignore him, pls run INSIDE the fortress.

Just to get this clear. the entrace to the fortress is a 9 dorf high above-ground straicase, a 15 dorf floor filled with dodge-traps and another 8 dorf staircase. You saw the mindflayer while more or less being INSIDE the fortress. So why do you run outside, over all this stairs and floors, directly to the floating tentacle, when you get frightend by it? and why are now 50 out of 89 dorfs outside and refuse to go inside?

Your nealry berserking floating X.

PS: have fun with the siege, that just arrived. The manson works hard to get the slabs ready.
PPS: and if you manage to enter the fortess (what i dont belive) report to the forgotten-beast-silkfarm. Our giant silk-firering Toad want to have a word with you.

[Niccolo]

Dear Goblins;

Yes, you've been besieging my fortress for a while now. And you haven't killed anyone. I know, it's a shame. It's terrible. But really, it's your fault!

You guys have been here before. You know that the only offense is a ranged weapon. My fortress entrance is on a Godforsaken island. There's no way in for you.

So, look. Either go bother one of my neighbouring badgers and get yourselves killed (I'd really like your shiny weapons, since I lack any sort of metal) or just leave. Thank you.

Lord of Riftmachines

[GreatWyrmGold]

Dear giant toad,
Please come and try out our nice, tasty dwarves. Especially the soap makers above ground. They are nice and clean!
Sincerely,
GWG, Overseer.
P.S. Ignore all light green carets along the way.

[TapeNoot]

Dear Urist McWagondriver.

While I acknowledge the skill and cunning with which you managed to guide the initial wagon-full of supplies to the current fortress site, including the perilous sea voyage to what surely seemed to be the very edge of the world, I can't help but question your motivation for parking the bloody thing on the lip of the volcano.

I can only assume that the current absence of said wagon implies that it did, in fact, plummet straight down Armok's gullet.

However, I appreciate your managing to unload the wagon before this incident, and somehow managing to balance all the supplies on the same perilously small ledge without incident.

That said, those three logs are being deducted from your pay.

Yours,
Overseer

[GreatWyrmGold]

Dear giant toad,
Please come and try out our nice, tasty dwarves. Especially the soap makers above ground. They are nice and clean!
Sincerely,
GWG, Overseer.
P.S. Ignore all light green carets along the way.

dear overseer
*ribbit*
regards,
giant toad

Dear Giant Toad,
I do not have my Toad-To-Dwarven translator handy. He is busy coding your next iteration. Therefore, please do not just ribbit.
Actually, if you swim across the little cave stream and come to the surface, you will find a translator. As well as a lot of wooden furniture to smash.
Sincerely,
GreatWyrmGold, Overseer.
P.S. I promise that my military won't kill you, if that's what you're worried about...I lost one to a panda, for Armok's sake!



Dear Urist McMiner,
Come out of the aquifer pit to start channeling. You are wasting time by being buffeted against the wall.
On the bright side, I bet a vague modding idea I had might work. Fire creatures could cause the water to sweep along behind in the water...Hm...if the pumps weren't made of wood, I might test it on you.
Sincerely,
GWG, Ovrsr.

[Greiger]

To melee military of EverCastle

Don't DO that.  I put the barracks there for two reasons.  1) It is a surface fortress and I was running out of space to build stuff and 2) Having the barracks be part of the front gate seemed like a logical idea.

When I set the invasion alert you are all exactly where I want you to be already, and you are already in your gear, and even if you somehow WEREN'T, the armory is just one floor up.  You had no reason to all pour out of the barracks and head to the meeting hall in the keep on the other side of the fortress before deciding to change to the military icon.

The invaders got in, by walking right through your barracks completely uncontested.  And the frikkin FORTRESS GUARD arrived at the scene before you did. Of course, the fortress guard is armed with less than lethal wooden clubs and leftover leather.  And they still managed to keep the orcs from killing anybody while you were slowly making your way to the combat site.   I mean the captain of the guard soloed their elite lasher to the point where the lasher passed out from over exertion.  Again, in nothing but dog leather and wielding a glorified stick.

Keep screwing up like that and the guard will have your job and you will be fired (From the ballista).

The Administration.

P.S. Stop complaining about being relived from duty you fools.

[Niccolo]

Dear Goblin Civilisation:

Thank you for deciding to take part in a scientific study of mine. While many of the subjects you sent were passed over for this opportunity, the Elite Bowman was randomly selected to take part in a blind scientific experiment to see if Goblins, like many species of insect, are capable of breathing through their skin.

It is my duty to inform you that, unfortunately, our experimental results were inconclusive; after all of the breathing holes were prepared by our marksdwarves scientists, the goblin fell into the river and drowned. Thank you for pre-empting this possibility and sending us so many spares.

Yours sincerely,
Head Scientist of Riftmachines

[Roctiv]

Dear Erush Ginetakrul, Elite Marksdwarf

It has been my understanding that the military tradition allows you to give yourself a title once you have been able to slay five enemies. During the last siege, the two dark stranglers you fought brought your total up to six kills, enough to grant yourself the title of "Kebonkan Cog".

Let me ask you :
Why did you have to choose this title in particular ?
Why did you feel the need to cover your entire squad in shame ?
Does it have a particular meaning ? I mean, I know that the barracks are quite far from our marksdwarf tower and that the only thing protecting your feet is a pair of used boots taken from the corpse of an unlucky sieger, but I still think there was another way of telling me of your misfortune.

So no. The Odorous Tiredness of Boots is not an adequate title for an elite marksdwarf. You have therefore been reaffected to stone smoothing duty.

Your facepalming overseer.



Dear dark stanglers,

From a single one of your corpses, we can extract a hundred bone bolts, forty meals, a totem and a hide. Being unarmoured, twenty bone bolts are largely enough to kill one of you, even with a squad of dabbling marksdwarves. Each time you come to siege us, the twenty or so of you are slaughtered quickly, without a chance to fight back. Yet you keep coming.

From the bottom of our hearts, thank you. Thank you for contributing to the prosperity of our outpost.

Best regards,

The laughing overseer of Tiristamid.

[Silent_Thunder]

Dear Urist McHunter
     I hate you so much right now. I mean it was one bear, and you led it into the fort after deciding to get a drink. Now everyone but you is dead. I hope you slowly rot in that hospital bed

Love,
    The Overseer