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[Sarda]

@ Deus: Magma them to death until they get better names.

[evileeyore]

{quote author=Peewee link=topic=63417.msg2294999#msg2294999 date=1306242025]
{quote author=evileeyore link=topic=63417.msg2294154#msg2294154 date=1306204338][-]be killed in your lava death trap[/-][/quote}

You're looking for the {code]{s]Strikethrough[/s}[/code} tags.
[/quote}

What's that?  I can't read you through all that Strikethrough.

[Mr Frog]

Dear Urist McMiner:

I, your benevolent ultimately well-intentioned occasionally-kinda-decent-if-the-wind's-right overlord, fully sympathize with the plight of the working class and understand that allowing employees to take occasional breaks will greatly increase productivity in the long run.

However, conspiring with your fellow miners to ensure that you all go on break at the same time, every time is mean, spiteful, obnoxious, irritating and, most importantly, has been scientifically proven to significantly increase your chances of being immolated due to a freakish mishap involving a magma trap.

With Love,
Your Kind And Glorious Leader

[Axedwarf]

Dear Urist McPerfectMurder,

it was a really witty thing to commit the murder of the previous mayor during the strike for booze. The recruits were so occupied beating the dorfs at the statue garden that you easily sneaked in the room (and ate your meal in the room of the victim to celebrate it). I asked the engravers to do something for you.

By the way, do you want the baron's room? yeah, go on! that's not a problem, we'll do him a second one if he ever comes. Is there enough gold in it for you? do you prefer Electrum!?

please do it quickly,

Urist McNewMayor

[Niccolo]

Dear Urist McLegendaryMiner:

That is a channel rapidly filling with magma. Get the hell out.

[Dwarf_Fever]

Dear Urista McMomski,

It is the duty of _The Illustrious Overlord_ to regretfully inform you that your son, the miner Urist McDoltbeard has passed away in defense of our Glorious Mother-Colony. While the rumors are true that he singlehandedly brought a Forgotten Beast through miles and miles and miles of tunnels to our very thresholds in the Eastern Mineshafts, do not think for a moment it posed a serious threat to our military might. Further, your late son Comrade Urist completely redeemed the honor of your family and averted nearly all of the wrath of _The Illustrious Overlord_ by alerting us to the continued presence of the enemy through his high-pitched and amusinginspiring "combat adversary locating shriek" as he traversed up and down the hallways in his effort to get bacbuy us needed time to mount a decisive offensive.

Ultimately, he fell in our victorious battle against the beast, which coincided for no reason at all exactly with the unexplainable and completely unrelated earth-shaking noise coming from the Eastern Mineshafts. _The Illustrious Overlord_ wishes you to know that everything was done to save this young hero's life, but he gave it gladly and willingly in defense of our brave colony and the lives therein. For this reason, we have spared no expense in erecting an immense, block-shaped monument directly over the incredibly squashedheroical but fallen body of your son and the Beast in a newly excavated narrow hallway. This generosity extends even to the creation of an empty "viewing space" well above the monument, paid for by the special idiot breeder"patriot" tax, which your family will have the honor of being the first to participate in.

Long live the Glorious Mother-Colony!

_The Illustrious Overlord_

PS: Please allow 1-2 days to visit this grand monument in the new "Hammer and Anvil Burrows," commemorating our crushing victory, as in another unrelated coincidence the only civilian exit to the Eastern Mineshafts is walled up because we must remove bloody scratchmarks from yourdangerous and possibly contagious moss spores from the area.

[senamic]

Dear Urist McSoldier,

When your most glorious leader gives an order to kill vultures, please, kill the vultures? You and your squad of seven are the only defense in this experimental above ground colony that the mountainhomes have ordered us to construct. Your leader has armed you. They have armoured you. You are well fed, and you all sleep comfortably in nice dormitories. However, the food depot is yet to be roofed, and the vultures are the reason your fellow citizens are cranky about the lack of access to alcohol. See to it that this infestation is solved soon, while it may be fun, it is important for the survival of the fort.

Your Most Glorious Leader

[billybobfred]

To: Logem Emalimush, former Animal Dissector
Re: your new job

The fort does not need animal dissectors. You understood this and took up mining at my request.

Then you died for no reason. No combat logs, no nothing. Just, "Logem Emalimush, Animal Dissector has died after colliding with an obstacle." What obstacle? I always practice safe mining, so there should have been no reason to fall, and even if you had spored up in that manner, it was at most 2 z-levels.

What the circus is wrong with you? I mean, aside from being dead.

[Jake]

Was anyone channelling out the floor above him?

[Conrad]

Dear Urist McLeatherWorker,

    While I understand that I should have put up precautions to disallow you from crossing the frozen river just before spring, I feel this was your fault. Three other dwarfs were crossing the river at the same time and all were wise enough to climb out the escape ramps I had dug out for this very occasion.

    What confuses me was your exact reasoning for the actions you took when the ice melted. As stated, your comrades climbed out of the river calmly and immediately. Perhaps I overestimated the importance of staying calm in such a situation. Why did you, upon hitting the river floor, decide "This is an excellent place for a nap"? It was NOT an excellent place for a nap. How does one even go to sleep underwater? How does one REMAIN ASLEEP underwater?

Your confused Overlord,
     Conrad

[gentgeen]

Dear Urist, Urist, and Urist McFisherdorfs,

I understand that dorfs are sometimes social creatures, who enjoy making new friends and talking to each other. However, when you are working, you are supposed to be catching turtles and other yummy swimming foods. That surface pool I walled in to provide a safe fishing environment has about 60 bordering tiles you can fish from. Why do you all occupy the same tile, at the same time, when looking for fish? Don't you think all of you at the same place, making friends with each other, might let the turtles know you're there?


Signed,

The absent count of Ololil

[Deus Machina]

Dear Urists McFisherdwarves,

I have 'food hauling' and 'animal hauling' enabled for you guys because I can't really figure out which out which it counts as. And, while I don't expect you to come running back every time you pull a turtle out of the water to roll around on its back in the last moments of its dreary amphibious life, I do expect you to pick up at least one when you head back for a drink.

Watching all those poor turtles from above,
the overseer.

Dear Urist McFarmer,

You. Yes, you. The one who's supposed to be growing stuff. We don't have a place to grow things. You know why? Because it's also your job to plant stuff. That's why I told you to do it.

So, when you're planting, finish the job. I have to lock you in with a turtle to get you to do that. And that first harvest time, you were in the middle of pulling plump helmets out of the ground when you decided to go hunt down and eat a rat, or bugs, or whatever. You have a plump helmet in your hand. Eat that, then pick the rest!

Locking you in in the future,
the overseer.

Dear badgermen,

Your friends the giant badgers came--in one case literally--on the heels of our first migrant wave. Only half actually arrived, and they handily cut down our military. Then you guys move in and methodically eat all the sunbaked turtles next to the lake, our entire stockpile of food--then the dwarf gathering it and growing it.

Usually, you're supposed to kill the dwarves off, then move in. Not set up shop, drop your meager belongings into the bedrooms, and realize "hey, there are a bunch of short drunks in our dining room!"

Enjoy your new home, bastards.

Going to reclaim just to channel the volcano into the dining hall,
the former overseer.

[Jelle]

Dear UristMcFarmer

Pond grabbers really aren't that scary. And water is not something to be feared.
So please for the love of armok when you get suddenly get dragged down into deep water whilst passing the bridge on the way to the farmlands, don't swim around aimlessly trying to escape that beast.
That and don't try and wrestle it whilst choking on water.

So just get your wet fat ass out of the water and let the marskdwarves take care of it.

Sincerely
         The guy designing the future 1 z level higher bridge

[TubaDragoness]

Dear Assorted Badgers,

The carp in the river can not get to you. Please stop giving me combat alerts.

Sincerely,

The Overseer

[Corwyn]

Dear Dwarves of Scumsave Fierypears,

  First point of topic.  Mayor, are you a prophet?  Psychic?  What possessed you to take that name?

  Second point of topic.  Miners, you found adamantite!  Armok is a kind and fickle when he's not going to kill us all sort of god isn't he?  You found adamantite, by digging that staircase into a hole over the entrance to the circus! 

  Third and last point.  A staircase cannot be floored over.  Hatches won't stop clowns.  Since the staircase was never constructed on that level, only just enough to open a hole and peek down into the level below, that was enough for the

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

FUCKING SPIRIT OF FIRE

to fly up the hole into the staircase and kill you all.

  Here's hoping the next group of dwarves to set up a fort here make out better than you guys...

~Giant X of Doom and Merriment.