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[Medicine Man]

Dear Urist

HOW DARE YOU BE IMMUNE TO MAGMA DUE TO A MOD GLITCH YOU BASTARD!

Signed, REALLYangryplayer

[Shootandrun]

To Urist McMigrant

Yes, we closed the gates. But dont be sad: it was to lead you to the "Way of the fun" and the "Room of the love", in wich you and your friends will be able to test our iron menacings pikes, our dragon-based defense system, and after that you will have access to the room of love.

PS: if i was you, i would not pull that lever. Your room of love could become really hot, really fast.
PPS: Dont care if you see a friend diing. Its normal.
PPPS: Dont place blood every where, please.

[deoxys413]

Dear Urist,

I'm well aware that the quickest path to two objects is a straight line. However, if said straight line is through a river in midst of thawing, one would presume that the loud cracking and shifting of ice floes would tip you off that the quickest way may not be the most health-efficient. Oh well, I'm sure the carpenter can take over your woodcutting duties...

Signed,
           Mildly Miffed

[cog disso]

   
♫ Ceci n'est pas une furry maggot...

[AzureAngelic]

Dear Urist McMiner,

Please refrain from removing the expertly-designed stone flooring in inappropriate order whilst working above the fortress. Should this occur again, you will be relegated to masonry duty and ordered to repair the large hole punched 30 z-levels downward.

-Management

[MadJax]

Attention all citizens of Hawkhelms,

I have been asked a string of questions about our military practices recently, and after careful observation, have written this short guide for when if useless migrant cheesemaker and animal dissectors fresh recruits are ever needed:

1) Dodging demonstrations are important, I understand this, as are fighting and striking demonstrations. Listen to your instructors to avoid magma and water based incidents when avoiding killing blows. Don't, for the love of Armok, decide to take a nap during these demonstrations. I explicitly ordered 7 of the 10 of you to be training, and I know full well 2 of your comrades are in hospital after heroically slaughtering goblins.

2) 2 or 3 of your comrades have a kill list as long as their weapons. After 4 solid years of combat and training, you are expected to achieve at least one kill. What the hell Fun is going on?!

3) A siege or ambush is coming, you've all been ordered to the gates to await combat to arrive through the bottleneck and traps. You have plenty of warning, you were drafted at least a year ago. So for the love of Armok tell me why you are NOW picking up your equipment. You were ordered to keep it on even if off duty. Actually...

3a) Equipment mismatch??! MISMATCH?! It's a f&*&ing master steel gauntlet. I have 20-30 spare in case of breakage or loss. What, is it the wrong f&£^ing colour for you?! Doesn't match your nails?!

4) I appreciate all the work you have done over the years Urist McChampion, but when you insist on running into battle with your pet kitten against a titan/FB/ major siege, don't take it out on the others or our lovely buildings if said kitten is turned to paste. Leave it at home or at the butchers.

And finally:

5) If you have been asked to join the city guard, you have the authority to arrest or issue beatings with necessary force. Necessary force does not mean slicing off limbs or major living parts (Heads, legs, ENTIRE F^$&ING TORSOS). Yes the "Legendary" looks intimidating, and yes that miner is as tough as the rock he digs, but he's no more deadly than the f***ing goats you run away from you pansy.


Failure to comply will result in pulling of our patented "Noble Happy Fun Time Lever".

-Overseer MadJax

[Flaede]

I originally understood this thread title differently than it was intended, and I have written this "letter to Urist" in in that spirit and style.

Dear Urist,

There are two dwarves in my fortress (we'll call them Ashley and Troy) that have been "lovers" for a decade! They just can't seem to take that final leap, even though they are constantly hosting parties and are a general socializing force of nature. I think the problem is that these two live in a Deon Genesis mod fort, and she is the psychiatrist. Ashley on the other hand, is an Obsidian Dwarf with very little to do other than the occasional pumping and engraving duties. Nothing all that common in a 10 year old fort! (the last of the pump stacks yet to be automated have been delayed just so he can get a small amount of work). My question is, how can I get them to finally commit?

 - Hopeless Matchmaker

[Urist McTaverish]

Dear Urist McThirsty:

I can understand you get thirsty, I really can.  Sobriety is a terrible thing, and therefore I keep several stockpiles of booze within 100 steps of anywhere in the fort.  You could have used those, but instead you chose to take a drink from a stockpile nearly 150 Z-levels down from where you started, one that happened to be in an experimental process to test a new mining technique.  Your subsequent death due to asplosions is entirely your own fault.

Your invisible overlord

Dear Mrs. McThirsty:

Again I apologize for the untimely demise of your husband, but I must reiterate that I'd be surprised if enough of him remained after the accident to bury, so I must insist you stop accusing us of not providing him a proper burial.  No one really feels like exploring that part of the mines any more due to the forgotten beast now roaming around, and you could consider that whole section his tomb now that we've walled it off.  Please desist this melancholy before you hurt someone and the hammerer is forced to hurt you.

Your invisible overlord.

[Josephus]

I originally understood this thread title differently than it was intended, and I have written this "letter to Urist" in in that spirit and style.

Dear Urist,

There are two dwarves in my fortress (we'll call them Ashley and Troy) that have been "lovers" for a decade! They just can't seem to take that final leap, even though they are constantly hosting parties and are a general socializing force of nature. I think the problem is that these two live in a Deon Genesis mod fort, and she is the psychiatrist. Ashley on the other hand, is an Obsidian Dwarf with very little to do other than the occasional pumping and engraving duties. Nothing all that common in a 10 year old fort! (the last of the pump stacks yet to be automated have been delayed just so he can get a small amount of work). My question is, how can I get them to finally commit?

 - Hopeless Matchmaker

We should totally make a Dear Urist thread.

[ledgekindred]

Dear Flaede,

It sounds like "Troy" either has fears of commitment, or he is not looking for that kind of relationship.  It sounds to me as if he may be around "Ashley" merely to get his rocks off.  Does he spend long nights down damp, dark tunnels with other dwarves?  Has he been seen stroking his beard with other lady dwarves or wave his pick around in public?  "Why buy the maggot if he can get the milk for free" as they say.  If I were Ashley, I'd tell him he needs to face up to some real commitment or he can put his Plump Helmet somewhere else.

Yrs.
Urist McAbbey

[fivex]

Dear Urist McFuniturehauler
When constructing floor grates at the top of waterfalls, please do not use another to go in the river that the waterfall is flowing from to construct the floor grate from behind.
Signed,
 Fivex

[Flaede]

Dear Flaede,

It sounds like "Troy" either has fears of commitment, or he is not looking for that kind of relationship.  It sounds to me as if he may be around "Ashley" merely to get his rocks off.  Does he spend long nights down damp, dark tunnels with other dwarves?  Has he been seen stroking his beard with other lady dwarves or wave his pick around in public?  "Why buy the maggot if he can get the milk for free" as they say.  If I were Ashley, I'd tell him he needs to face up to some real commitment or he can put his Plump Helmet somewhere else.

Yrs.
Urist McAbbey

I am loving this responce almost too much to point out that "Troy" is the "she", and is the fort Psychologist. Ash is the mostly-out-of-work layabout that's hanging about the fort, making far too many "friends".

We should totally make a Dear Urist thread.

I would, but I'm a little afraid of the sorts of situations that Dwarves would write to "Dear Urist" about.

[Urist McTaverish]

Dear Flaede,

It sounds like "Troy" either has fears of commitment, or he is not looking for that kind of relationship.  It sounds to me as if he may be around "Ashley" merely to get his rocks off.  Does he spend long nights down damp, dark tunnels with other dwarves?  Has he been seen stroking his beard with other lady dwarves or wave his pick around in public?  "Why buy the maggot if he can get the milk for free" as they say.  If I were Ashley, I'd tell him he needs to face up to some real commitment or he can put his Plump Helmet somewhere else.

Yrs.
Urist McAbbey

As a follow up:

Dear Uris McLegendarycraftdwarf:

I too was disappointed that our experiment to use Dwarven alcohol as a method for mining was unsuccessful.  Also, I'm entirely surprised that your artifact bin was used in said experiment, as I thought I had designated the stockpile be filled from one that didn't have your bin.  Quite obviously the haulers involved with get some wall-to-wall counseling, I do not appreciate you having a tantrum over art defacement, and subsequently breaking an artifact table as you punched the creator of said table.  A spiral was only avoided because I decided to use floodgates instead of doors.  Fortunately the families of the two are still ecstatic, but now I have to carve out two tombs for both you and the table maker, and I'm out two craftsdwarves.  You'll be happy to know, however, that your apprentice has entered a mood, so everything isn't too bad.

Your invisible Overlord.

[ElthMysterius]

Dear Military,

While I am disappointed that none of you ever managed to strike down that giantess that was beating every single one of you to a pulp, I have to congratulate you on your ingenuity on finally dealing with the threat. Really, dodging into a pool and having the beast leap after you was truly a display of heroic sacrifice. While the dwarf responsible for the drowning of the giantess will be post-humously credited for the kill, I expect you not to repeat this when you see a goat.

Signed,

Your easily amused Overseer

[Gearheart]

Dear Urist McWagondriver

When you and your team of six finally locate a perfect location to set up your new home, it would probably be a bloody good idea not to park the wagon on a frozen river in a temperate biome at the beginning of spring.

I hope you have learned from your mistake, because while the fish are probably having a hell of a good time, you have no food left, unless you like 100x diluted booze and soggy meat.

Signed
Your friendly neighborhood overseer