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[Lost Requiem]

Dear Urist McMormon,

I unleashed the genophage on the fortress. STOP GIVING BIRTH TO TRIPLETS!

Sincerely Up yours, the Dwarven Institute for Population Control.

[Deus Machina]

Dear Urist McGhostlyWoodcutter,

You heard the alarm. You heard the orders to run back to the fortress so we can raise the drawbridges. It was entirely your fault for ignoring them and deciding to wander, take a nap, and then go give the cyclops a hug. At least you died quickly.

Also: you had an axe, and knew how to swing it. Whereas Urists McBowdwarf and McStabsmith picked up a sword and crossbow--they may even have gotten confused on which of them got what--for the first times in their lives, arrived before the rest of the squad had their boots on, and weren't even winded by the time they had killed the cyclops.

So use your short time haunting the fortress to stop bothering Urist and Urist for not arriving sooner, and spend it guessing who is getting a slab engraved and then dropped in the magma and who's getting a promotion.

Your ghost-warded overseer.

[billybobfred]

To: Animal Trainers' Guild of Mosus Romlam
Re: The latest wave of migrants

Yes, we need an animal trainer. One.

You sent three.

You realize that means two of them won't be training any animals, right?

[TolyK]

To: Animal Trainers' Guild of Mosus Romlam
Re: The latest wave of migrants

Yes, we need an animal trainer. One.

You sent three.

You realize that means two of them won't be training any animals, right?

To: control
Re: re: latest wave of migrants:

what if one or two were somehow left outside during an ambush? you'll be glad you had three!

from: the guild

[ledgekindred]

To: Animal Trainers' Guild of Mosus Romlam
Re: The latest wave of migrants

Yes, we need an animal trainer. One.

You sent three.

You realize that means two of them won't be training any animals, right?

To: control
Re: re: latest wave of migrants:

what if one or two were somehow left outside during an ambush? you'll be glad you had three!

from: the guild

To: External Assignments Dept, Animal Trainers' Guild

Keep up the good work.  They are waist-deep in the waiting room.  See if you can send five or six out next emigration cycle. 

From: Guild Directors

P.S. We have prepared a bonus for your ingenius response for why we are sending so many.

[billybobfred]

To: Urist McBerserk
Re: Your artifact idea

I realize that, in a very real sense, it is my fault that you couldn't get the green glass you needed to make... whatever it was going to be.

There is no sand on the map. I knew this, and yet I did not prepare.

However, the human traders brought clear glass. Isn't that... better?

Why did you insist on green glass?

Oh well. If you're going to sit in the workshop shouting "I am totally berserk right now, guys!", then that's fine too.

[jaxy15]

To: Urist McSheriff II
Re: Murder of Urist McSheriff I

Put down that axe.
Why did you execute the poor guy?
He just attacked the commander who dodged his attacks.

[Oliolli]

To: Urist McGuardCaptain

I hope you're happy. Just because the mayor demanded items we could not produce doesn't mean you should be so rough on the metalsmith. He was legendary, and had a daughter. they are now both dead.

From
  The Administrator

[Byakugan01]

Dear tame GCS down in the cavern entrance,
  When I gave you your illustrious post, I had one thing-and one thing ONLY-in mind-for you to shoot web. The fortifications are there for your benefit, NOT for you to sit their twidlling your chelicerae while a forgotten beast in the form of an earthworm SHOOTS FIRE through the fortifications! You are one of two females I have. Although extremely valuable, I have one more female to take your place. Also, please keep in mind that although we tamed you, this fort is very young. We have nothing in the way of defenses besides our just-formed squad of six dwarves, as previously all dwarves were needed to start up our dwarven metal industry. So, for the love of Armok, do your job. You're worse than the dwarves are about it.

 sincerely,
your spider-loving overseer.

P.S. Please do remember that the beast's first kill will be you, and I can do nothing to save you.

[Mister Always]

Dear Urist McLeatherworker,

So you made a friend. That's good! I'm very happy about that. And you went and threw a party for just you and your friend at the tiger cage. Well, alright, two's company, right?

What kind of confounds me is that you, immediatley after announcing this party to your buddy the grower, decided to go on break. Doesn't that kind of defeat the purpose of organizing it?

Sincerely,
your overseer.

Dear Urist McManager,

Okay, seriously, you have no fucking right to breaks. You know what you do all day? You fucking pass production orders and do shit-all else all day long. Okay, you're also one of our many furnace operators, I'll admit. Other than that, though, your only duty is to make potash, which we never do because, frankly, the farm plots aren't even in use anymore right now because we were fucking suffocating under huge piles of mushrooms and other assorted plants, and we won't be making any clear glass either. Frankly, you should be happy I picked you out for the position of manager. You get your own snazzy office, and all you have to do is ask our bookkeeper if he foresaw that we'd have enough materials for the order at this particular point in time (how that guy knows we'd be running into veins of bituminous coal I don't know, but I won't question the ethereal science of bookkeeping) before jutting a little "yup" mark next to that order on the list. In fact, I'm even taking you off the wood burning squad, just in case. So you get to sit around on your trallally all day long, waiting for somebody to pass on one of my production orders. This is all the work you'll be doing. If you take a break one more time just when I put up a shitload of coke-making orders for our metalsmithing industry, I'm giving you some !!motivation!!.

Kindly get off your big, fat ass.

Curtly and sternly,

your overseer.

P.S: No, seriously. If you don't do it, I'm promoting your son to a millitia captain and sending his "squad" (consisting of him, in the nude, with a sharp stick) at the next goblin ambush. You've been warned, fatass.

P.P.S: Love what you did with your hair, by the way.

Dear Urist McBookkeeper,

First, let me express my thanks to you for keeping our stock records up and running. Very good job you did there. Very precise, like I told you to. What I want to ask you, though, is it really necessary for you to write down the meat returns of every goblin we butcher separately? It clutters up the kitchen stocks a bit. Yes, I know they were all individuals with their own hopes, dreams, and family before they ran into our meatgrinder, but really, after Urist McButcher and his butchering friends have been at them, you can't even recognize them any more, and you just call it "goblin meat". Despite this, you still somehow saw fit to write down the contents of every pile separately. Kindly cut that shit out.

With thanks in advance,
your overseer.

To Urist McMayor,

No, we're not making any cunting quivers. We don't even have any hunters, because there's unicorns on the map. Quit your tremulous whining and get back to doing whatever the hell it is you do all day.

Signed by,
your overseer.

P.S: Is it really any surprise that you don't have any friends? Like, at all? Even the tanners have a few buddies, and they smell like brains and leather.

P.P.S: Two more months, and then your ass is out. Out and into the river, that is. Thanks to you and one of our former mayors, three of our dwarves will be sentenced to nearly two and a half months of jail time once the captain of the guard arrrives.

P.P.P.S: How's that agreement to get some carp brought here coming along? I did mention wanting to reintroduce them into the river.

Dear everyone,

You can drink some more, you know. We have plenty of booze, and the faster we drink it, the faster we can get rid of our plant surplus, and the faster our planters will have work again. They're threatening to unionize. This round's on me! If you drink less than eight units of booze this year, you're a pussy.

Sincerely,
the overseer.

Dear Urists McWoodcutter (s),

Would it KILL you to keep the tunnel to the farms free of trees while they're inactive? We'd like to get production underway as fast as possible again once we're out of booze and plants.

Sincerely,
you know who.

Dear miners,

Just fucking MINE out the vein of coal that is OBVIOUSLY behind those two squares of coal. Come the HELL on.

Going to drown his sorrows inb ooze,
the overseer.

Der Durr Dead Dour Dear Urizt McBrewler,

this 's some good fuck'n booze! *hic*

*vomit stains*,
look ma i got a peeeeeeeeen


Dear Urist McChief Medical Dwarf,

Thanks for treating the head wound I got while falling down the stairs dead-drunk.

Sincerely,
your overseer.

[Byakugan01]

Dear DeathOnLegs the GCSs,

I have been going over the combat reports you've filed lately.I cannot help but notice that when you find goblin mcpedo, you never fail to inject venom. REPEATEDLY. When ALL THREE OF YOU ARE LATCHED ONTO THE SAME GOBLIN. However, in repelling the first ambush of our fort, despite latching on through their clothes you failed to inject your venom even once. Come on gals and guy. I understand the the pedos need to be destroyed, but you injected venom no less than FIVE TIMES. Each. Save some for the military gobbos, wouldn't you?

Sincerely,
your overseer who is willing to savescum to keep you three around. 

[Jacob/Lee]

Dear Urist McMoodyMason,

Stop whoring up all the limestone, we're trying to build a second wall layer here. Go make your artifact with something else, ass.

Yours truly,
The Overseer that is not afraid to lock you in the workshop if you don't stop using all the limestone.

[Icee77]

Dear Urist McMarksdwarf
      Why do you keep bashing people in the HEAD WITH YOUR CROSSBOW WHEN YOU STILL HAVE BOLTS?! Now I have to throw you in the !!FUN!! room since you have too many injuries and we have too few threads for patients. Say hi to Armok for me you Carp Hugging Long-Ears.

Sincerely, Overlord

[Byakugan01]

Dear Urist McMoodyMason,

Stop whoring up all the limestone, we're trying to build a second wall layer here. Go make your artifact with something else, ass.

Yours truly,
The Overseer that is not afraid to lock you in the workshop if you don't stop using all the limestone.

How much is "all" of it? You might be on your way to another planepacked!

[shadenight123]

dear urist mcmerchant.
you came, we traded, then we traded again.
the first time, you took a nice 20 margin profit, and we were both happy.
then you refused an 80 profit. a 100 profit, and a 120 profit and left claiming i was playing with you.
next time you come, i don't care if we're dwarves, and i don't care if you have merchants, i'll lower the bridge on your fucking head, splatter you all to death, and claim what remains. and if you survive and get to the depot, i'll seize what fucking remains and annihilate you all under a mass of bolt fire.
i HAD 30 idlers. now i have 30 Crossbowman...and i do have 30 quivers and 30 stacks of 25 bolts.
noone defies me and lives. NO-ONE!
ps: next time, please, bring more food.