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[LizardKing]

Note for all military recruits

While I appreciate your need to train to keep in shape, it would be much appreciated if the various members of squads Axechop and Hammersmashy would not run off to train when you are assigned to help the Boltshooters take down a cyclops, which resulted in 1 death and another with multiple broken bones. In future, please deal with all immediate threats before resuming your normal training schedule.

Thank you very bloody much.

[flatlander]

Dear Urist McTrader,

It is understandable to take a break, run off for a drink, and grab a bite to eat when called to negotiate for goods. What is not acceptable is to run halfway to the trade depot, stop, and then grab a magma forge in a state of possession. The traders have left... and you are asking for two types of material we were going to acquire from them. You will discover this note etched in the solid locked door of the room which has been constructed around you. The adaptable magma channel™ has been rerouted to the hole in the ceiling just above you. As soon as we hear you banging on the door expect hot magma death; followed by encasement in obsidian.

Sincerely,
The Computer

[cog disso]

Dear Countess,

Pull the lever.

Sincerely,
The Sadistic, Bored Player.

[Medicine Man]

Dear Urist

PLEASE PLEASE PLEAASE stop walking through fire!IT WILL KILL YOU!

SIGNED,CAPSLOCKER.

[cog disso]

TO: All migrants

RE: The +lead cage+

SURE, FEEL FREE TO JUST LIVE THERE. HELL, LICK IT. I HAVE ABSOLUTELY ZERO EXPECTATIONS OF YOU ANYWAY. THROW A PARTY WHILE YOU'RE AT IT, I WASN'T USING THOSE 500 BARRELS OF WINE ANYWAY.

[Knick]

Dear Urist McPeasent

I appreciate your desire to be useful, and zeal in gathering stray items of value.

But don't you think the sight of a dismembered fisherdwarf floating in a blood-stained river might be a bit of a hint that things are not quite right?  When you saw your comrades pulled screaming into the water, to be torn limb from limb--did that not give you pause for thought--that perhaps a carp-infested river is not the safest place for a dwarf?

Yours, etc.
The Management

[ledgekindred]

To the soldiers of Eagleorbs:

Please put two boots on.  We have many perfectly nice steel boots for you.  And look!  They will go on either foot!  I am wondering why you have not learned a lesson from your two fellow soldiers who now have injuries to their feet during that last puny ambush, and your other fellow who got his foot stomped on -- and broken -- by an unarmed "training goblin."  Perhaps this is some kind of hazing ritual, but please, please put shoes on when it's time to go fight. 

P.S.  Why do you all refuse to wear a left boot?

To the marksdwarves of Eagleorbs:

Frankly I'm mystified.  The only reason I can think of for you to not shoot at the goblins on the other side of the fortifications at which you are stationed is because you are laughing too hard at their panic over the fact that a quarter of their number got caged and another half got turned into goblinburger from our steel discs.  I note that you have your crossbows at hand and a quiver full of the lovely iron bolts we made for you, yet you seem content to stand around and chit-chat rather than take advantage of the perfectly good target practice running around in the front yard. 

P.S. I'm not sure if this is more or less annoying than when you use those iron bolts at the archery range, despite being told not to, and despite the fact that we have nearly a thousand wooden bolts within arms' reach of the archery targets.

To the entire military:
The eyeless lizard with the three stubby horns that keeps trying to shoot webs out of its cage is the plains titan Omus Resmath Oslukakusm and he shall be your next target practice subject.  I suggest you a) put shoes on and b) figure out which bit goes into the other bit to make your crossbow work.

Yrs.
Your Fortress Overlord Esq.

[Robsoie]

Note to my military squad dwarves, well the ones that are always alive :

I can understand that you all have some bizarre fetish with toes and fingers, but it is important that you stop trying to hit speargoblins toes and fingers with your shields and start hitting their heads with your shiny axes.

[Dahenk]

Dear Urist McMason

When building a wall to seal off a terrifying underground cave, filled with horrific forgotten beasts and weird monsters with five razorteeth filled mouths, at least TRY to position yourself on the safe side?

[Knick]

Memo to:  Wrestler Squad, the Fenced Diversions, Barrack A
From:  Mayor Urist McRedface

Gentlemen:

Please refrain from tearing off your comrades' armour and clothing while sparring in the barracks.  The human trade liaison was very upset at the display.

[lordofhyphens]

To Whom it May Concern:

Please just drop the vermin corpses in the designated magma pit instead of the refuse pile.

[Medicine Man]

Memo to:  Wrestler Squad, the Fenced Diversions, Barrack A
From:  Mayor Urist McRedface

Gentlemen:

Please refrain from tearing off your comrades' armour and clothing while sparring in the barracks.  The human trade liaison was very upset at the display.

The Gloved Loves?

[ungulateman]

To the military:

If you won't let me pick your squad names, generate some decent random names.

Honestly.

Yours,
Armok

[bremarv]

Dear Urist McTiredWorker:
While I understand that work can be tiring, especially the hauling stones for walls, some would say the area designated for said wall is an innapropriate place to take a break. Especially when the wall is ment to funnel the goblin ambush into our traps, thus saving dwarfs.

As a reward for choosing where to take a break with so much care, you have been promoted to leader of the GADS, or Goblin Ambush Diversion Squad.

Hope you are good at running.


Dear Urist McDedicatedHauler:
While your dedication to doing the tasks assigned to you are appreciated, the alarms signaling goblin attacks are usually not sounded for fun. Hope you won't be too dissapointed at the bridges being up when you return.

[lordofhyphens]

To Urist McMayor,

Slade does not exist, except in the confines of your small mind. While barring exports of it is acceptable, any tyrannical attempts to mandate construction of items out of a fantasy stone will result in your immediate and swift deposing.

Signed,
Imeshcatten Craftsdwarfs Guild