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[Dynastia]

Designate a pit directly over him and pit the biggest and heaviest stud you have. He'll continue to do his manly duty from the bottom of your moat, and since he was a stud you weren't planning to butcher him anyway.

Or pit a bitch (or lioness, or tigress, or female bear, etc.) onto him. She'll continue to breed without access to any males, and her progeny can live in the moat, patrolling it and finishing off any wounded goblins who might fall in later.

[Keita]

Dear UristMcNumnut,

Hello Urist, I know you've been complaining of bee stings as of late and that's fine, who would like to get stung over thirty times? But this isn't really under my control when you deliberetly sit where all the wild bees are, even after my best efforts to make you do otherwise.

Your ever viligant and powerful overlord,

Metal Militia

[Tirunus]

Dear Urist MCmountianhomes,

I have made it clear that I only need 40 men to continue this operation and it has been followed through. But when I lose my stonecrafter to goblins and I have 39 men left I asked to send one good man this migrant season, but why do you send 15 more dwarfs?

Love, your favorite money maker that is considering raiding the next caravan.

[Samuel]

Dear Expedition Leader,
A broken foot is no picnic, so I commend you on your ability to stay conscious for periods of time while recuperating. I imagine it says something to the other dwarves about your strength and resolve as a leader. But let me tell you, there is no shame in lying down for a routine treatment on the Traction Bench, and frankly, shoving away the doctors and standing there until you pass out again is more rude than strong. Tell you what: There are so Elves stinking up our Trade Depot right this second. If you accept your treatment and recover in time, you might get to sink that axe of yours into some treehugger skulls.

Signed,
An Overseer Who Cares About You

[ElthMysterius]

A special message addressed to the Trade Guild Master of the Mountainhomes,

As you know, last year, our band of seven left for the wilderness to set up an outpost. Because of budget cuts, we had to make do without an anvil, but we had prepared the magma forging area well before autumn, so that we may begin smithing operations as soon as possible. We had a good stockpile of stone crafts made by our resident stoneworker to offer in exchange for much needed supplies. Like that anvil. Remember that anvil? Oh.

You forgot it.

Your traders had the gall to showcase the nice bar of steel they brought along, which was easily the most valuable thing they had with them. Well, thanks for the steel. It's a shame we can't use it. Because we have no anvil. We can't make an anvil because we have no anvil.

I don't get how you can forget an anvil. It isn't exactly small or inconspicuous. Our anvils are the very basis of our civilization. Our steel is our strength, just as our strength is our steel. When the goblins come and they find no steel to still their blades, you will be held responsible.

Right now, we have absolutely no means to defend ourselves, since, in your infinite wisdom, also decided we wouldn't need any weapons or armour. Because of YOU, our outpost will now be completely defenseless for another year. I am sending a copy of this letter, as well as a stock report and a list of names of those involved to His Majesty the King. Any deaths as a result of our lack of metal will be attributed to you. Punishment for murder is quite severe. I hope you will reflect on your decisions.

Sincerely,
The Overseer of the dwarven outpost of Syruppartner

[ledgekindred]

Dear Urist McMugmaker,

Unlike most occasions, wherein I use this opportunity to call out a particularly troublesome dwarf, instead I wish to commend you on your insane mug-making skills.  I'm not sure what kind of autistic mug-making savant you are, but the fact that I was able to trade just one of your little rock mugs for our desperately-needed anvil is impressive.  I'm not sure if these traders are fascinated by your mugs or what, but from some of the rumors going around the fortress, I hesitate to guess as to why these two merchants would be happy to receive one cup and I'm afraid to ask. 

I do find it curious that, while you have this mug-making talent, you make crappy crafts, toys and instruments.  I now have a pile of 10D$ piccolos, but at the same time, this single mug is worth 190D$, nearly as much as this entire pile of piccolos.  What am I gonna do with all these dumb piccolos.

In any case, the fact that you have single-handedly vastly increased the wealth of the fortress by sitting in your little room churning out mugs has earned you the right to your very own bedroom.  With a cabinet.  (Which you will undoubtedly fill with new clothes once your existing ones have rotted away, but will never actually wear.)

Yrs,
Your Benevolent Overlord

[Urist McGyver]

Dear Urist McBrokenlimbs and Urist McBruisedskull

If I tell one of you to channel a 50-Z Pit to fling all useless stuff from the fort in it while the other digs a staircase so that you can return to the surface once you're finished, DON'T use the half completed pit as a quick transportation everytime you popout for a snooze. We don't have that much people willing to be miners, neither doctors at this stage.

Your mentor and guide,

Urist Mcgyver

[Qinetix]

Dear Urist McUntimed

Please , when the elves go down the magma trap , please PULL the lever at the same moment when the elves go throught the trap hall way , thanks to you only one died and the other one managed to run away , perfect here come the elf siegers... atleast i thank you for bringing more bones for my craft industry :3

[Shook]

Dear Urist McDoctor

Please don't take a nap while doing surgery. The poor sod is in extreme pain, and all you think of is sleeping? Not cool bro.

Sincerely,
Exhasperated flying X

[Keldane]

Dear Urist McHungryMiner

Yes, the tunnels are narrow, and yes, that cat belongs to Urist McOtherMiner. I can assure you, though, that said Urist will not be unhappy if you step over his cat. There's no need to turn around and run back to the last intersection to take an alternate route, especially when Fluffy McKittens has already chosen to do the same, causing an identical situation when you get to the other hallway. If you really don't want to have to step over the cat, stand in the side passage while it goes past. Wasting untold amounts of time running in circles is  supposed to be the job of the military, not the miners.

Sincerely,
The Facepalming Observer.

Dear Fluffy McKitten

You knew exactly what you were doing, didn't you?

Sincerely,
The Now-Suspicious Observer.

[Urist McGyver]

Dear Fluffy McKitten

You knew exactly what you were doing, didn't you?

Sincerely,
The Now-Suspicious Observer.

They always do.

[billybobfred]

To: Urist McBabydropper
re: your child

When you see a goblin snatcher, what do you do?

(hint: not the thing you did)

[Tirunus]

A special message addressed to the Trade Guild Master of the Mountainhomes,

As you know, last year, our band of seven left for the wilderness to set up an outpost. Because of budget cuts, we had to make do without an anvil, but we had prepared the magma forging area well before autumn, so that we may begin smithing operations as soon as possible. We had a good stockpile of stone crafts made by our resident stoneworker to offer in exchange for much needed supplies. Like that anvil. Remember that anvil? Oh.

You forgot it.

Your traders had the gall to showcase the nice bar of steel they brought along, which was easily the most valuable thing they had with them. Well, thanks for the steel. It's a shame we can't use it. Because we have no anvil. We can't make an anvil because we have no anvil.

I don't get how you can forget an anvil. It isn't exactly small or inconspicuous. Our anvils are the very basis of our civilization. Our steel is our strength, just as our strength is our steel. When the goblins come and they find no steel to still their blades, you will be held responsible.

Right now, we have absolutely no means to defend ourselves, since, in your infinite wisdom, also decided we wouldn't need any weapons or armour. Because of YOU, our outpost will now be completely defenseless for another year. I am sending a copy of this letter, as well as a stock report and a list of names of those involved to His Majesty the King. Any deaths as a result of our lack of metal will be attributed to you. Punishment for murder is quite severe. I hope you will reflect on your decisions.

Sincerely,
The Overseer of the dwarven outpost of Syruppartner

Dear Overseer of the dwarven outpost of Syruppartner,

Make rock short swords and bone armor like a real dwarf,wussy.

Sincerely,
Trade Guild Master of the Mountainhomes

[KillerClowns]

Dear Tosid Mosusumar:

While possessed, you managed to take two yak skeletons, one elephant skeleton, and a mudstone boulder, and turn the entire mess into a single, undecorated buckler.  I'm not sure whether to be enraged, or amazed.  I realize it's hard to remember what went on in your head during this process, being possessed and all, but please, enlighten me if you can.

Your confused overlord

[Raufgar]

Dear Urist McMiner,

Granted we all greatly appreciate your effort in carving out our new living quarters all by yourself with nothing more than a steel pick, however I must question your decision to jump down into our yet-to-be-completed-and-completely-cut-off-from-the-main-fort-without-any-exit water reservoir from the channels I designed into the plans for our soon-to-be-built wells. I had to make some last minute changes to our fort plans to accommodate your escape from the reservoir cause frankly, without you we're all doomed to live in large dormitories surrounded by trade goods.

Note to self: train another dwarf in Urist McMiner's duties in the event of another "incident". Plans are being drawn up for Quick Death(TM) devices to alleviate the horrible premise of dying from dehydration and hunger. Thank Armok for that volcano we embarked next to...

Sincerely,

Your increasingly deranged Overseer.