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[Samuel]

Dear Marksdwarfs,

I don't know how awesome you think you are, but I can personally assure you, it's an exaggeration on your part. If you fire a bolt at a goblin in the area of 50 tiles away, you are going to fucking miss. Your amazing failure to realize this has resulted in the deaths of several of your comrades, including civilians who were counting on you.

Signed,
An angered overseer


Dear Civilians,
There comes a time in a dwarf's life, such as when goblins are attacking, when he must make a split second decision to run to the left or right. At times, a purely arbitrary decision is understandable. At other times, such as when there is a feild of weapon traps to the right that can reduce entire seiges to mulch, it is not.

I'd normally dismiss your terminal stupidity as a self-correcting problem, but you also managed to lure the aforementioned goblins away from the aforementioned traps. This is an unacceptable mistake. Has the decadent lifestyle which is affordable here at Spotgloves been taxing on your brains as well as your livers? Because I can easily wall of the stockpile and immediately cease booze production.

Signed,
An even angrier overseer,

PS Freaking see if I'm kidding. 

[Greiger]

Dear Possessed Glassmaker.

You want a glass workshop, alrighty then, I don't have sand on site but have 6 magma smelters, I can convert one to a glassworks, and I think the traders left some sand last visit. Oh you don't like magma?  Here have a standard glassworks in the old adamantine vein.  Ok cool, ya claimed it.

You want raw green glass.... Yer in a glassworks with sand available...but whatever, I'll have somebody make you a chunk of raw glass at the converted smelter.  No worries.

There ya go, glad you liked it.  And now you want logs...there's about 50 logs up by the carpenter's shop...hmm...maybe I'm reading yer demands wrong.  You also want cloth?  Our primary export is rope reed crafts, we have plenty of cloth. We're producing it faster than we can process it, there's something like 200 units of excess cloth up by the crafts workshop.  Thread too.

...Well maybe you want silk cloth.  That's a bit of a pain, but I can get that. I'll just send some weavers into the cavern under guard... there you go 5 units of silk cloth and 3 units of unprocessed silk thread, just in case.  Still no?

..Well maybe some wool.  Somebody has a pet sheep someplace...there you go, one unit of sheep wool cloth.  Still no?

What the fuck do you want with me? I have supplied all you asked!  All you took was the glass!  You want wood?  Theres tons of wood!  You want Any kind of cloth under the sun?  The stockpiles are overflowing!

Here have a few guards...and a locked door.  And your own personal tomb that is suspiciously shaped like one of the premade generic gravesites given to idiots.  You are a glassmaker, on a map with no sand, with a possessed mood. You don't deserve the effort I put out to satisfy yer needs.  Have a nice life, what's left of it.

Sincerely,
The Administration

(Seriously, no idea what this guy wants.  The only thing not mentioned is leather, which again, the stockpiles are overflowing with.  It's definitely not a resource shortage.)

[Keldane]

How long does Raw Green Glass appear relative to his other desires? It could be that he wants more units of it. Other than that, is he assigned to any burrows that don't allow him to access the other required materials? These are the only things I can think of.

[Lagslayer]

Maybe he wanted phantom spider silk.

[Greiger]

I thought of that after posting.  Just the normal time for one unit of green glass, but I had made an extra 3 for future moods when I made the first one anyway.  An ambush happened that caused him to get assigned to the "Inside" burrow.  But that burrow contains 90% of the fortress and all the resources he asked for were present inside it. In fact the only stockpile not in that burrow is the ammunition stockpile.

And he was stalled before the ambush came anyway.  Oddly he also hasn't gone nuts yet, it's been a season.  The Fortress guard are actually starting to get annoyed from the long patrol watching him.

@Lagslayer If he wanted that he deserves to die.  I don't have access to that, my civ doesn't have access to that, the humans and elves don't have access to that, and judging from their equipment even the goblins and orcs don't have access to that.  There is no reason to belive anybody even knows the stuff exists in this world.  The only evil areas are an ocean and a small marsh way off in the ass end of nowhere.

[Flying Dice]

Dear Urist McMilker and Urist McCheesemaker:

Please enjoy your stay at the bottom of the spike pit. It is, after all, your fault for coming to my struggling fortress with no abilities other than rubbing animal teats or letting food rot.

Also, Urist McMiner: Thank you for always, without fail, channeling yourself into a corner, so to speak.

[Vercingetorix]

Listen, Mayor, I know you REALLY love brass but there is no possible way for me to make you a brass bed (even though that seemingly makes sense) let alone put one in your dining room.  Even if by some random chance you got a strange mood there is no brass to be had in our fortress, period. 

I wish he'd lose the next election and be replaced by someone who likes magnetite.

[Dynastia]

Dear Urist McGrandMasterWoodCarver

It certainly is a great honour to have such a skilled artisan as you immigrate to our fledgling castle. I can most certainly empathize with your decision to up stakes and move, as I understand that life in the Mountainhomes can be uncertain for a Wood Carver, what with the overwhelming glut of crystal glass, gold and platinum making simple wooden craftsmanship a little underappreciated and underpriced.

However, before you embarked on this no-doubt dangerous and expensive undertaking, did you stop to consider the fact that our fortress is called Frosthames the Frigid Ice-Spire and has been dug into a solid glacier wall? Welcome to the army, son.

Sincerely, Urist McMayor

[Kogut]

Listen, Mayor, I know you REALLY love brass but there is no possible way for me to make you a brass bed (even though that seemingly makes sense) let alone put one in your dining room.  Even if by some random chance you got a strange mood there is no brass to be had in our fortress, period. 

I wish he'd lose the next election and be replaced by someone who likes magnetite.

Dear Urist McPlayer,
you can replace nobles, including mayor

[Shook]

Dear Urist McWallbrain

Stop walling yourself in a dry murky pool, you idiosyncratic nincompoop. You're supposed to make the wall from inside the fortress.

Sincerely,
The guy who orders alcohol to be made

[adwarf]

Dear Urists McMigrant Asses.
Go away I already have fifty dwarves, and no way to get more food so go away.

[billybobfred]

To: all dwarves of Zafalungeg Geshud Mosos, "Airfail the Fortress of Tragedy"
CC: elven merchants from Adela Nina, "The Wonder of Races"
Re: the goblin snatcher in our dry moat

Guys. He's not going to hurt you. He's basically completely dead. Stop panicking and running away from the only entrance to the fort.

[Urist McBusDriver]

Dear Urist McAdwarf:

Do you know you can grow plump helmets underground without irrigation now?

Dear Urist McBillyBobFred:

Why haven't you sent a squad to slay the dying goblin in the moat? Just draft some cheesemakers as wrestlers and go finish him off; he can't take them all down!

[imperium3]

Dear Urist McFloorRemover,

Stranding yourself on a piece of soon-to-be collapsed floor was not a smart idea. Lets see if you can fly...

The Management

[billybobfred]

To: Urist McBusDriver
re: the goblin snatcher

All my military dorfs are marksdorfs, so I just stationed them near the corpse. There's no access to the dry moat anyway. (this is by design) It was simply taking too long for him to die and in the meantime I wanted everyone to calm down. But nooooo, run away from the scewwy pincushion.