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[Alternatecash]

Dearest Urist McLegendaryWoodcutter,
I can understand being upset about the rain. And the cockroaches. And the repetitive food. But when a turkey pecking you in the hand is enough to make you decide to murder everyone in the fort, why did you spare the turkey's life?
Confused, one of the voices in your head.

[wolfroy]

Dear Urist McImmigrant
                   why, oh why, of all the things you could have brought with you to my fort, did you bring a reindeer? and especially if it was not your pet, why would you bring something with no feasible use other than food? i mean, i would understand if it saved you as a child or something, but seeing as the fort is running low on supplies like food, so i would advise you saying goodbye to your reindeer as quickly as possible, so we can "repossess it"
        - your moderately concerned overlord

WARNING: pets can't be eaten. Kill the owner first.

it wasnt actually his pet, i was just confused at the fact that he dragged it to my fort with him if it WASN'T also the reindeer chops were delicious

[Peewee]

Dearest Urist McLegendaryWoodcutter,
I can understand being upset about the rain. And the cockroaches. And the repetitive food. But when a turkey pecking you in the hand is enough to make you decide to murder everyone in the fort, why did you spare the turkey's life?
Confused, one of the voices in your head.

Oh dear, you just made my night.

[Greyejoy]

Dear Urist McFarmer:

While I understand that you're upset about the minor cave in that broke your legs (what were you doing in the mine anyway?), your friends said you were still quite happy. So, I'm rather confused why you dragged yourself to the edge of the new moat and hurled your drunken, stunted body down it. However, you do have the distinction of being our first cemetery member.

 - Management

Dear Urist McMiner

I would like to thank you for your stoic reaction to the farmer's body exploding next to you and your quick response to cleaning it up. I'm looking forward to more successful contributions to the smooth running of Steelhammers.

 - Management

[anon_outlaw]

Dear UristMcNoviceHunter,

I understand that you wish to hone your skills and be a credit to the fort. I also understand that the fort currently has some food problems and that you were trying your best to help your starving brethren. This, however, does not mean hunting elephants with a low quality crossbow and wooden bolts is acceptable.

P.S. If you manage get back to the fort with your wounds I'll consider allowing the doctor to help.
P.P.S. Don't even think about coming back without bringing the lower half of your body.

Sincerely,
The voice in your head telling you to move all of that stone

Dear crippled hunter,

your a pussy.

signed, another overseer who's own novice hunter just took on 2 elephants, got bored then a week later killed another one.

[Cyroth]

Dear Urist McEveryone.

I hope that you take the death of Urist MCLegendaryEngraver as an example, and that no one will every try to clean the exectution tower goblinite extraction plant during a execution goblinite extraction again.

Signed, the only sane person in this fort.



Dear Urist McLegendaryEngraver

Why, of all times, did you decide to clean the bottom of the execution pit gobinite extraction plant in exactly this moment?
No one has ever cleaned this mess since the machine entered service 9 years ago! So why now?
Exactly at the moment that we have been executing processing the first prisoner chunk of raw goblinite for about 2 years now?
Such a chunk of raw goblinite, tough soft and fleshy inside, has a really hard shell, which is, after all, the only reason why we go such lengths to harvest it. Now imagine what happens if this chunk gets accelerated by a 50z level fall... the force of this impact is by the way the reason why one of your arms was found 30z lvls upwards, on the balcony outside the gem windows that allow our military a good view on the extraction process.

Signed, the only sane person in this fort.

[Nyxalinth]

Dear elves of the Equality of Pears,

Guys. I admire your tenacity. You have been at war with the Mountain Homes for as long as Armok knows.  You have carried this over to attacking Largebusts.  If nothing else, we dwarves can appreciate a good dose of foolhardy stubborness.  But seriously, give it up already. You're not going to win. You've sent 15 sieges of no less than 20 elves/warhorses each. Everyone of you has been slaughtered.  Our losses consist of 15, maybe 20 dwarves at the most, some cats, and assorted farm animals.  Do the math.

I would also think that word of our military wrestlers defeating not one, but TWO dragons would have given you pause, but apparently not.  Ah well, do keep bringing us your crappy wooden crap with the occasional cool masterwork item.  Your skulls make nice totems.

Much admiration of your stupidity courage,

the Overseer at Largebusts

[mszegedy]

Dear Urist McEveryman,

One kind of alcohol is enough.

Love,
  Mike

[Mandango]

Dear Urist McChild,
When I send out the order to deconstruct the bridge that you seem to have taken a liking to, no matter how much you stand on in out of protest, it will not stop it's removal.  But the most staggeringly dumb thing you did was not protesting the removal of a bridge by standing on it, but allowing yourself to fall ten stories below after the bridge was removed from under your feet.  You survived, for that I give you props, but seriously you have the kind of intelligence that could make you a noble, if you survive that long. And you won't if I have anything to say about it.
You're benevolent hivemind overlord

[Kogut]

Dear Urist McMiner,
train this mining skill faster!
Signed, the supreme leader of your multiverse.

[myrkul]

Dear Kurthyvor*, Dracon Trader

Just because YOU can breathe underwater does not mean your mule can.  Stop swimming through the sewer system to get to the trade depot and then having your friends getting pissy and leaving because your mule drown.  No, you are not aquatic lizard Santa.  It will not be amusing for you to enter the fortress through the meeting hall waterfall bearing gifts.

Sincerely,
Tired of cleaning corpses out of the plumbing.

Apologies if this has been mentioned in the 72 pages since.... but Have you considered making their only pack animal something like a giant toad or such? Anything [AMPHIBIAN] will do....

And then, Aquatic Lizard Santa!

[Ze Spy]

Dear Forgotten beast

Fuck you assho-*not written because of a sudden infection from Forgotten beast blood*

[anon_outlaw]

Dear Aquatic Lizard Santa

Please bring me a steel anvil, some toys for the fortress children and new crossbow for the watchman. i have left out a glass of fish oil and a plate of reed cookies for your enjoyment.

Sincerely, post master of Moutainhome Lavabath.

[Greiger]

Apologies if this has been mentioned in the 72 pages since.... but Have you considered making their only pack animal something like a giant toad or such? Anything [AMPHIBIAN] will do....

And then, Aquatic Lizard Santa!

Unfortunately I couldn't figure out how to get them to only bring one kind of animal without either removing the others completely or removing their ability to be pack animals for anyone at all.  And I didn't want to go that far.  I do have another pack animal that can survive underwater.  But the chances of the trader being of the caste that can survive underwater and happen to have the correct creature at the same time are slim.

----------------------

To Mountainhome of Lavabath

My reindeer was carrying your requests from my workshop in the equator when it appears to have drown in a small lake or river on it's way to your fortress.  I'm not sure which since I was dragging it along and didn't really look back for some time before I noticed it's bloated waterlogged corpse.  I only noticed because it started making a delicious smell in the summertime sun I'm afraid, and too late to collect the goods.

Anyway your steel anvil, toys and crossbows are someplace underwater between your fortress and my workshop where my kobold workers' knots failed. Feel free to collect at your leisure. 

Thank you for the wonderful snack.  As an extra thanks I have left my reindeer in your plumbing system as is traditional, hopefully it will continue to make your water taste funny for your children's enjoyment for years to come.

Hiss, hiss, hiss, Merry Aquatic Reptilemas to all, and to all a warm rock to sun themselves on.

From,
Aquatic Lizard Santa.

[mszegedy]

Dear Urist McRetard,

Based upon your actions a few days ago, I am forced to conclude that either:

a. You are insane, and criminally so. This is not in the records, so this is not likely.
b. You were intoxicated with an exotic substance upon the below described event. Perhaps LSD, or something in the phenethylamine class.
c. You suffer from some form of mental retardation of which I am as of yet uninformed. I consider this the most likely option.
d. You were acting in the worst interests of your fellow peers upon the below described event.
e. You have an IQ of at most -12, as well as not possessing skills of fundamental reasoning.
f. You suffer from sort of phobia, perhaps campestrophobia or simple claustrophobia. This was not indicated by your worker's profile.

The event I am referring to is the following: On the 453rd of Adamantine vōs finished building the wall that completely sealed our fortress off from the outside world. I then sent Urist McDiligent to pull the lever that allowed my five-tile drawbridge to open, whereby vōs were allowed to leave, and start carrying out the last harvest before winter. I stationed you inside to handle the lever, in the event of an ambush. At one point, I decided that the drawbridge should be closed. I issued the orders to close the drawbridge, and in the same moment relieved you of your duty. You proceeded to pull the lever. Then, in the same instant, you sped across the room to the other side of the drawbridge. So speedily did you move, in fact, that you were able to clear the drawbridge in what seemed to me a single instant. I know that you ran and not teleported by that every single component of yours relating to your legs was tagged as "fatigued". I congratulate you on your haste, however it seems that you have locked everybody out of the fortress, and we must compromise our defenses to reenter.
I am sorely disappointed in your lack of common sense. Expect to be assigned as liaison next spring. You will not be spared.
Sincerely,
     Mike