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[TherosPherae]

Dear Urist McLegendaryMiner, Urist McOkayMiner and Urist McNewbieMiner:

You guys are all morons. When you're digging a pit for me to throw useless immigrants into to get practice for my doctors, you do NOT test the pit to "see if it works". All three of you morons died that way - one from the fall, two from infection. And you wondered why my doctors needed practice. Your replacements will be arriving shortly, in the form of the immigrants that would've been shoved down the pit had you not been complete idiots.

Good riddance,
TherosPherae.

[Medicine Man]

Dear Uristmcemo

You went melancholy a month ago for no apparant reason,we have magma pools everywhere and you don't choose to end your life in any one of them.You must be an attention whore.

Signed.Uristmcemohater.

[ungulateman]

Dear UristMcKing

When you found a dwarven outpost, if you aren't going to give them stone to build furnaces out of, and expect them to smelt their own picks and axe, expect to have seven less dwarves in your civilisation shortly afterwards.

Sincerely,
UristMcKing

[Tommy]

Dear Urist  McFidgety,

If you really are intent on conducting a meeting with the liaison, you'll find the trick is to walk towards him, not perpetually in the opposite direction.  There's no reason it should take two or three seasons to talk about trade agreements.  I've seen dorfs go mad over less.

Much love,

Urist McLockingyouinaroom

[phoenixuk]

Dear Military Casualties #4 and #12,
We offer you no sympathy, you clearly were equipped with crossbows and quivers, and the bolt stockpile is overflowing, yet you still decided to rush up to the goblin ambush squad and attack with your bow butt.
Fortunately your idiotic assault did absorb large amounts of goblin bowfire, allowing the heavily armed and armoured "Steel Unkillable death dealing bastards (2nd division)" to close on the enemy without having to bother using any of the shield training we spent two seasons drumming into them.
Your fetid moronic pincushion corpses will be strung up by the gates as a warning to immigrants.
Kind Regards,
Militia commander Urist McTacticuser

[Tsarwash]

Dear Miliatry Commander,

Was it strictly necessary for you to spend two whole years in a hospital bed ? We know that you are a fragile type, but were you just looking for extra sympathy. I know you did 'fight' that forgotten beast, but actually it was your subordinates that slew it. It breathed onto you a little and you had a hissy fit and ran away. We admit that we were having problems with the medical department at the time and there was nobody to diagnose you for that period. But when you were finally looked at by Urist Mcsurgeon, he declared that there was absoutly nothing at all wrong with you and promptly discharged you. You have been the leader of our glorious military for six years now, and your total kill tally is one single raccoon. Even our soapmaker has done better for the defense our our fortress in this time. We are hearby informing you that your services shall no longer be required in your present role. Do not be disheartened by our actions. We have many new opportunities opening up for a dwarf of your stature. Don't think of your new role in the stone hauling department as a demotion, more as a sideways step into an excing new career.

Your Unseen Superior.

[Samuel]

Dear Urist McDeadMiner

I was fully aware that that was a load-bearing wall. My bad.

Signed,
Samuel

PS I laughed when you died.

[SkyRender]

To: Urist
From: That voice in your head that tells you what to do
RE: proper etiquette for dragging Goblins to the execution tower

 Please refrain from running away in terror from your prisoners when you've been instructed to toss them off of the execution tower.  You have been selected for this job specifically to dispose of the threat, so your reacting to the threat by fleeing from it is not conducive to the future of our fort.  Thank you and good day.

[Medicine Man]

Dear Urist

Fair enough you are scared of the zombie buzzards but please stop suspending construction of the drawbridge,we need that to prevent any arena nasties from escaping,oh and you've been drafted to the military.

Signed,voice in every dwarfs head.

[smokingwreckage]

Dear Entire Fortress.

I, your beloved invisible leader, will be leaving for a much-needed refreshing holiday.

By the way, there's a forgotten beast coming up the central stairwell, and we have no military. Or traps. Or doors. Anyway, good luck, must fly. Goodness, is all that blood from one dwarf? Cheerio, lads!

- Fearless Leader.

[randompeep]

Dear all local Urists,

I don't know who did it, but I would much appreciate it if you didn't decide to drop the anvil we brought on embark into the nearby murky pool. The damn pool is not even near the wagon or the stockpiles!

[jseah]

General notice to all citizens,

There are no dwarven corpses in the entrance corridor.  Repeat, there are no casualties in the glorious victory over the vile goblins.  Repeat, there are no goblins just outside the raised drawbridge. 
Our doctors have identified a new disease that causes such delusions.  Anyone who experiences these symptoms should report to the Ministry of Love Legendary Dining Room for a talk over dinner with our brainwasher Hammerer who has been forced to volunteered his assistance. 

Any objections will be heard by the very same Hammerer. 

All people exiting the room are fully cured.  Any who believe otherwise or have delusions of missing people is having a relapse or is a carrier and must report to said room. 

Effective Immediately,
Central Administration

[Internet Kraken]

Dear Engraver Deduk Fikodotin,



These Engravings are unacceptable. I know I asked you to depict the history of our civilization and Fortress rather than koala demons, but I don't like being reminded of my failures as your leader when I walk down the halls of our Fortress. While Ogres smashing Dwarves is the best summary of our Fortresses history, you could focus on the positive aspects instead to help improve morale.

So either stop making these appalling images or I will be forced to relieve you of your duties. This may involve an unfortunate accident involving the Ogres you seem to love so much.

From Expedition Leader Kraken.

[Medicine Man]

Dear Uristmcmason

WHAT.THE.FUCK ARE YOU TRYING TO PULL!We told you to WALL OFF the caverns not WALL YOURSELF IN!You will not be saved,there are far more important and intelligent dwarfs out there who could take your place as a mason

Signed,VoiceInHead.

[Ieb]

Dear Legendary Miner #2.

I appreciate how eager you were to go and channel those few spots for the drowning trap we're constructing. However, while we also appreciate thinking outside the box, was it really necessary to go channel them right away just because there was that maintenance tunnel that, until the lever is pulled, connects the drowning trap to trash-clearance? Yes there are stairs leading up from there so you can do your job. Yes we know we wanted those spots channelled.

But you cut off the way to the fort yourself, you channeled the spot for the retracting bridge yourself, you knew that there was no way into the fort after that. We're close to finishing that bridge though, so you're lucky with that.

There's also a gigantic one-eyed cricket hopping to your general direction and those mandibles look kind of poisonous. Better get those legs moving!

Telepathically signing off, your Octopus Overlord.