This is the result of two hours off in the middle of a school day. Feel free to comment.
And there he stood. The ground split underneath him and lava spewed from the cracks, for he was... Morgan Freeman. Across from him, George W. Bush stood with that retarded expression on his face. The fires raged and Dubya was incinerated. The charred ashes of the worst president ever elected fell to the ground.
Celebration broke out through the countryside and Morgan Freeman was a hero. But the happiness was short lived, for that night Dick Cheney crawled out of the cracks in the ground and harvested Bush’s ashes. Using his demonic abilities (or maybe it was the weird cube thing), he harvested the energy from the remains and placed it in a vase.
The vase was a small one and made of ceramic material. But once the energy was added to the vase, it transformed... into Optimus Prime! A ceramic one, that is.
Morgan Freeman instantly sensed a disturbance in the force, and headed off to see what the trouble was. However, he stopped at Subway beforehand to get his Five-dollar Footlong. When he got to where he sensed the energy, he found himself on a hill; this was the same hill where Bush had met his end. But there was nothing on the hill. Luckily, he still had some sandwich left and found himself preoccupied with that.
Suddenly, the ground burst open and a giant ceramic robot was revealed. In the sudden change, Morgan Freeman dropped his sandwich. Bush, or Ceramic Optimus Prime, looked at Morgan Freeman with hatred in his kiln eyes. On top of the robot stood Dick Cheney, and he jumped off. Morgan Freeman watched him carefully as he walked over to the sandwich on the ground.
"Don’t touch my sandwich!" yelled Morgan Freeman.
Dick Cheney laughed and picked up the delicious footlong. Morgan Freeman broke into a rage and fired his P90 Submachine Gun at Dick Cheney. And if I was a good storyteller, I would’ve mentioned that he had a P90. But I’m too lazy to go back and change it.
(Back to the story...) So, the bullets flew at Dick Cheney, but they all missed. But Morgan Freeman kept firing. Eventually, Dick Cheney was hit in the leg and he fell over. Bush, standing there with his retarded expression on his face this entire time, decided it was the time for action. He picked Dick Cheney up and threw his body at Morgan Freeman. Considering he throws like a girl (a really big ceramic robot girl), he missed and Dick Cheney hit a cliff.
Morgan Freeman was scared. Kinda. But not really because he has been in worse situations. Like when he ran into Michael Jackson in the supermarket. So he wasn’t like crap-his-pants scared. It was more of a “crazy-aunt-is-coming-over-for-Thanksgiving” kind of scared. Not a “nuclear-missile-of-über-death-is-heading-towards-my-house” kind of scared.
So Morgan Freeman, in his infinite wisdom, pointed behind Bush and yelled, "Look! A gay couple!"
Bush, being the moron he is, turned around and fired 6,000 missiles where Morgan Freeman was pointing. However, it turned out to be a kitty. The poor (cocaine-addicted) cat was turned into 6,000 cats. Well, cat chunks.
Seeing the terrible evil he had done, Bush broke into tears. However, his eyes were kilns so he didn't actually cry. It just kind of evaporated.
Taking his opportunity, Morgan Freeman prepped his rocket launcher and fired six rockets into Bush's back. The giant ceramic thing felt the blast and hit the ground. But it was not dead. Since he had watched Transformers last week, Morgan Freeman looked for the cube to destroy Bush. Figuring Dick Cheney had had it, he ran over to the hole in the wall that was created when Bush threw him against the rock cliff.
And there the cube was. It looked exactly like the one in the movie, so go watch the movie because I don't feel like describing it. Morgan Freeman approached the cube. He tried to pick the cube up but it was stuck in the rock. Optimus Bush was getting up off the ground and Morgan Freeman knew he had to act fast.
Knowing he couldn't get the cube out of the wall, he yelled towards Bush, "Hey you! Get this cube-thing out of the wall!"
And Bush did.
"And stick it into your chest to destroy yourself," Morgan Freeman said.
And Bush did.
So, Bush was torn apart by the cube's energy and the world was safe-ish. Morgan Freeman walked back over to where his sandwich was so he could finish eating the toasty goodness. But it was gone.
Morgan Freeman looked around to see where it had gone. Far off, far on the horizon, he could see a man running away. And there was a sandwich in his hand. And I don't know how he knew there was a sandwich there. He just has super-black-vision or something.
So, using his super-black-teleportation-ability, Morgan Freeman popped in front of the sandwich thief. And it was Billy Mays. And Billy Mays crapped his pants when Morgan Freeman instantly appeared.
"Nobody touches my sandwich," Morgan Freeman said.
Billy Mays knew he was in trouble and flung Oxi-Clean into Morgan Freeman's eyes. However, Morgan Freeman's eyes were kilns and the Oxi-Clean evaporated. Oh, wait a minute... Nevermind, Morgan Freeman was blinded.
Billy Mays took off in the opposite direction with his pants sloshing as he ran. Suddenly, Jimi Hendrix appeared to help his brother and slapped Billy Mays in the face. He also had his guitar and beat Billy Mays to death with it.
Using the power of drug-inspired rock-and-roll, Jimi Hendrix played a chord on his guitar and Morgan Freeman was no longer blind. And this was no ordinary chord/lame power chord. It was a Hendrix Chord. And it attracted the Mongols for no apparent reason.
Mongol warriors came running to attack the one that had played the Hendrix Chord. Morgan Freeman started to shoot at the Mongols with his dual P90s and Jimi Hendrix was clubbing them to death with his guitar, but there were too many. They were about to be surrounded and killed, when Morgan Freeman remembered the power of Subway.
He ate the last bite of his sandwich and called for Jared, the spirit of Mongol killing. Jared came in spirit form and sprayed sandwich fixings on the hungry Mongol warriors. The Mongols stopped attacking the two black dudes and ate the Subway fixings. Using their opportunity, Morgan Freeman escaped and Jimi Hendrix went back to where he came from.
The Mongol hordes quickly finished eating, and Morgan Freeman, not being able to call in another Subway air strike, decided to lead them to the city. (Don't ask me why he didn't just teleport away from them.) As he ran into the city, he cried, "The Subway-eating Mongol hordes of death are coming!" The townspeople readied themselves by preparing their guns and started to make Subway grenades of tasty goodness.
The hordes eventually reached the city and the townspeople opened fire. Subway covered the entrance to the city and the Mongols stopped to eat. However, they had their heads blown open by the gunfire. But there was a complication the townspeople did not foresee. When the Subway became covered in blood, the Mongols wouldn't eat it. They must have been afraid of AIDS or something.
Blood spewed everywhere at the entrance and the Subway there was no longer edible. The Mongol hordes charged into the city and began burning houses to the ground and killing people. People threw Subway grenades at the Mongols, but they ate too fast and killed the townspeople. Before long, Morgan Freeman was the only one alive.
He stood at the top of the hill with his dual P90s and killed Mongol after Mongol. Though their numbers were thinning, there was still too many. As the horde surrounded him and he was about to die, a chord rang out. And this was no ordinary chord/lame power chord. It was a Hendrix Chord.
Jimi Hendrix was standing twenty feet away with his guitar. And there was this really sweet moment where Morgan Freeman realized that Jimi Hendrix had just saved him by attracting the Mongols which would allow him to escape, but a lone Mongol bashed Jimi Hendrix's head in and the horde ate Morgan Freeman. Boohoo.
Fin
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Topic: The Morgan Freeman Story (Read 3510 times)