OK, so,
The Final Storm. Written, directed, and produced by Uwe Boll.
First of all, If you don't know who Uwe Boll is, he's a German director known for making horrible movies and somehow still making a profit from them. He also calls out his critics and challenges them to boxing matches. A few of his movies include:
Alone in the Dark,
House of the Dead,
BloodRayne, In the
Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale,
Postal and
Seed. All terrible, with the slight exception of In the Name of the King, it would've been OK if it hadn't been based off of Dungeon Siege, which is a great game by the way.
Anyway, the movie opens with stock footage of disaster aftermaths and riots, with several newscasters telling us that natural disasters are happening all over the world. Also there's a religious fanatic telling us that it's the end of the world.
Oh, and Tinkerbell is the production designer.
I do believe in faeries!
We cut to a lady sitting out on the porch of her generic farmstead. She heads inside and her son tells her there's nothing on TV but the news.
We then see a man in a yellow poncho talking to a black guy about cows, then he goes home to his generic farmstead.
When gets home, the family dog starts barking and runs out the door. Yellow Poncho Man (Tom) decides to go out and look for him because their son (Graham) is upset. Of course, looking for the dog (Max) entails going fifteen feet away from the house and calling its name few times in a howling storm without a flashlight, before heading back inside to boink your wife. Yes, there is a sex scene in this movie, two, in fact, and it's the same two people both times. Also there are nipples.
Giggity!
Also, sometimes the covers come up too much and you can see they're just dry humping each other because they both still have pants on.
After that pointless scene, the couple hears a crash, and Tom comes downstairs, suddenly fully clothed. It seems a tree branch flew through the window, and Tom dons his yellow poncho and fixes it. Graham asks if he found Max, and Tom replies that he was kind of busy. Yeah, he was too busy boning his wife to find his son's dog. Greeeeaaat...
Suddenly the power goes out and everyone lights candles, I don't know why they do this, because the constant blue light coming from outside seems to be lighting everything just fine. Graham looks outside to see a guy trudging through the front yard, and yells "A man in the field!". This would be a good time to bring something up, the accents. The wife has a southern twang, Tom has a generic accent, and Graham sounds Canadian. How does that work?
What's all this aboot?
Anyway, they must have left the door unlocked because Luke Perry bursts in and collapses on the floor. Mrs. Sexytime puts on her best scared face.
Ohmygoodness!
They decide the best thing to do for him is to strip him down, rifle through his pockets and put him in the guest room. While stripping him, they find he has a couple weird tattoos, one even quotes the Bible, saying "Let the dead bury the dead". So they go to bed, and when they wake up, it's stopped raining, wow, short movie. Oh wait, we still have another hour.
Tom immediately starts drinking at 7 AM,and decides to hit up his black friend to borrow his truck, because Tom's wont start. Intense music starts playing out of nowhere as he looks around and runs over to his neighbor's house to find that NOBODY'S THERE! Then he proceeds to run around the entire property yelling, "Charles! You there?" for at least three minutes until finally giving up and relaying this same information to his wife, who's name we still don't know yet.
Luke wakes up and tells us his name is Silas, and that he doesn't remember anything, then he drinks lots of water. He also has a scratchy stoner voice.
Woah.
He also says that this is his house, and when he's told that it's not, he claims amnesia again.
Tom decides that he's crazy, (Thank you!) but Mrs. Lady shoots down every bit of evidence against him, then tells Tom that she needs more firewood, even though Tom just filled the crate.
Later, at dinner, Graham asks about Max and complains, in fact, that's all he ever does in this movie, and leaves.
We cut to Graham reading a comic book with a flashlight. He looks out the window when Silas sneaks up behind him and asks what he's looking for. We get some hints that Silas is creepy, and we get told the dog's full name is Maximus. Maximus? Really?
So they try looking for the dog by rattling his food bowl, and when that doesn't work, Silas crushes Graham's 13 year old innocence by telling him, rather bluntly, that his dog's dead. Of course, Graham believes this complete stranger rather than his mother and gets all angsty and runs upstairs. Tom chews him out and Silas looks rather pleased.
Of course, the very next minute Silas comes in and apologizes, and tells them that he's going to leave. Mrs. Stupid tells Silas that it's OK and that he should stay, and he does.
The next day, Graham walks in on Silas sharpening an ax in the barn.
Oh, hey. Just sharpenin' my murderin' ax!
He and Graham bury Max's things, and somehow Tom takes offense to this, and chews him out again. Silas tells him all the animals are dead, and he doesn't believe him.
Later, Silas fixes the roof while Graham reads Hellboy.
Nice choice in reading material!
Tom decides that they should go into town because they need supplies, but town is empty, save for a few murdering psychopaths, whom Silas kicks the shit out of, Gordon Freeman style.
Also, Silas knew it was dangerous but didn't tell them why, so Tom's a little pissed about that.
At dinner, Tom asks Silas where the hell he came from, and Silas replies in his normal vagueness. Then he says some bullshit about it being the end of the world. Of course nobody believes him.
In the morning Tom leaves for some reason. Mrs. Mom comes out to find Graham shooting a slingshot at some cans on the porch, she tells him not to and out of nowhere, Graham starts back talking and snarking at her, to which Silas responds by taking him by the collar and shaking him around, telling him to apologize, he then drops the boy, who runs inside.
We cut to Tom getting a shotgun and driving off.
Now we see Graham making a Headstone for Max, and Silas comes up to him saying some more shit about how God's going to pinch out the stars.
Tom hides the shotgun and looks up a Bible passage about the end of the world, it's kind of pointless.
Tom and Mrs. Bitchy argue in bed about Silas. Tom thinks he should leave, but Gillian (I had to look that up by the way) Obviously has the hots for him, since she's making a half-assed attempt to convince Tom that Silas should stay. Gillian points out that Tom is drunk, and he says something along the lines of, "No shit, Sherlock". Then she jumps his bones. For no reason, other than Uwe thought they needed to have sex more. In the middle of this scene, Silas hears them grunting and moaning and starts cutting himself. I have no idea why.
Tom decides to leave for town in the middle of the night to go look at the police records when he knows full well that there are psychos waiting to kill him at the slightest provocation. He finds the right records and finds out that as a child, Silas murdered his drunk father by hanging him from a tree, I find this hard to believe, as a man of that stature would be very hard to lift, especially by a teenager. Of course, upon leaving the police station, he is promptly attacked and stabbed, but manages to drive off, until he runs out of gas. He comes home to find Silas in the bathtub, and Gillian in the same room.
Ohai.
Oh, and when he comes home, it's the middle of the day, meaning he walked for hours with a knife wound in his shoulder.
He grabs the shotgun and tells everyone to come outside, he pretty much banishes Silas, telling everyone what he learned from the police station, and tells him he'll shoot him if he ever comes back. Silas walks off with an evil look.
Later that night, Silas comes back and sets some hay bales on fire. Tom come out and shoots him. Silas falls down, and then springs back up, then bullet doesn't even seem to annoy him, much less penetrate his skin, seriously, he doesn't even bleed!
Silas and Tom go at it for a bit until Silas smacks Tom over the head with his crowbar and knocks him the fuck out. Of course, he just happened to have a noose ready and hangs some from the tree.
Okay, okay, stop. Really? I mean, I know from watching Dexter that serial killers imitate their first kill all the time, but Silas is supposed to be a smart guy, he should've just shot him in the head with the shotgun that still had a bullet left!
Hey!
This gives Graham ample time to free his father, who sits there hanging and struggling for two minutes, at least. Meanwhile, Silas tries to convince Gillian that Tom was evil and that he had to do it, and Gillian makes this face:
She looks like she just watched 2 Girls 1 Cup
Silas notices that Tom isn't a Halloween decoration anymore and goes outside to investigate, whereupon he is blindsided by Tom and stabbed in the shoulder with a pitchfork, and burned to death. I have to admit, that was pretty hardcore.
Now Graham and Gillian come outside and everyone has a big "it's over" huggy celebration. But it's cut short by Graham saying, "Look at the stars." and then we see this:
Seriously? That's the ending? The entire universe is swallowed by a black hole? I guess Uwe got lazy and decided he didn't want to have to tie up any loose ends.
So what did I think? The writing was terrible, the acting was bad, save for Luke Perry, who's the only bearable actor in this movie. Oh, and Blu Mankuma's OK, but he's only in it for the better part of a minute. The fight scenes are horrible, you can tell all the weapons are made of foam and everyone's pulling punches, and the camera is so shaky and blurry you can hardly tell what's going on. The writing is terrible, too, but that's just par for Uwe Boll.
If you want to see it, go ahead, but don't pay money for it.
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Topic: Bad movie reviews, starring Taco Dan. (Read 1051 times)