Buddy showed me a thread where someone I really don't like on here at all posted the biggest fucking pity party over a small question. And that got me upset, and I kept ranting about it to that same friend.
But that's not what made me rage. What made me rage is the fact that I understood and felt EVERYTHING in that fucking self pity trip and my rehab side wanted to slap that person upside the head, strangle them and tell them SO many different things, like NO ONE GIVES A FUCK, I FUCKING KNOW BUT GET OVER IT, THATS ENOUGH FUCKING SELF PITY FOR ONE LIFE, AND SO MUCH MORE! The worst part is I absolutely HATE this person and if I found out they got a billion small cuts all over their body and got tossed in a vat of hydrogen peroxide, I wouldn't care. But the worst part is I FUCKING FELT EVERYTHING THEY SAID AND I HATE IT! This is the one thing about rehab that I learned, is I can feel the pain of others, ESPECIALLY if they're like me. And even though I wasn't in the same circumstances, I would've done the same thing and I would be that fucking prick stirring up all kinds of shit on bay12 if I lived their life. And I FUCKING HATE IT! I HATE EVERY FUCKING BIT OF IT THAT I CAN FINALLY FEEL AND UNDERSTAND EVERYTHING THAT THIS PERSON I FUCKING HATE FEELS AND WHY THEY HURT! Its like I want to fucking kill them in the most painful way possible but at the same time, hug them tightly and just say "its all going to be alright in the end". Its like I naturally HATE them but I understand now and it FUCKING SUCKS BECAUSE I CAN'T FUCKING TAKE IT! I'm fucking hurting because I feel their pain and hurt and fear and everything and I hate it because I don't feel they DESERVE me caring abotu them. But what happens? I fucking care! I fucking care that someone who I don't know or will ever know is hurting and I fucknig hate them and their fucknig beliefs even though I had my own beliefs that were similar and fucking skewed! I'm raging because I understand and I don't want to... I don't want to care about someone I hate, but I am! And I'm fairly certain that a few of you, if not none at all, will understand this, but its just how I am and how rehab effected me. Its fucking MADDENING, especially since that I feel, and know, that very few people will understand what I'm saying.
Shit like this usually makes me want to do this... Sadly, I have a laptop and my flimsy external keyboard will bounce instead of going through it