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[Knit tie]

* Descan shrug

I'll probably just change my last-name anyway.

You really shouldn't unless you have a very good reason. It's annoying as hell.

[mastahcheese]

* Descan shrug

I'll probably just change my last-name anyway.

You really shouldn't unless you have a very good reason. It's annoying as hell.

^THIS
I went through so much trouble getting my last name changed, it made me rage.

[Descan]

Well I'm changing my first name ANYWAY, so I'll still have to go through bullshit mcfucktits. :V

[mastahcheese]

Well I'm changing my first name ANYWAY, so I'll still have to go through bullshit mcfucktits. :V

Oh, well if you're getting one part of your name changed, then yeah, you may as well do the whole thing.

[Frumple]

... yeah, I thought about switching last names for a bit, to cut off th'father connection. But, well. My last name is currently four letters long, and in full honesty my entire concern about my actual name these days is how long it takes to write. If I actually got around to changing my name, it would be to something like B. Not, like, Bee or whatever. Just the letter. No last name.

Maybe just a dot, I'unno. Would they let you do that? "You... put a dot on the paper." "Yes, that's my signature. You can call me Dot. I spell it with a period."

And jeez, that would have to screw over some database software or another, somewhere out there.

[Vector]

As soon as I have a job, I'm out of here. And next time, I'll stay in the place with vermin and filthy, negligent, endangering roommates before I move back.

I'm living with two parents who have zero empathy for me and are using me to assuage their own battered egos from a life of pain.  Unfortunately, they've never realized that you can't do things like "Repeatedly force your three-year-old's head underwater in order to 'remove her fear of water,' after she almost drowned due to your own negligence" and "cross-examine daughter after she says she has been raped" and "mock and judge your daughter's appearance, diet, and mannerisms from the moment she becomes a teenager, until she develops an eating disorder--and then keep going," and somehow have these all be little things one sweeps under the rug without repercussions in the face of fairly minimal financial support.


The full situation was that she had me drive us to a restaurant. During the drive I didn't exactly do well (I am a beginner driver, but no one and nothing was damaged, so wevs), and she repeatedly snarled at me, to a point where I was having a hard time concentrating between her and the other drivers honking at me I made a throwaway, teasy comment about being flipped off for the first time (TROLOLOLO) and she barked at me for being too sensitive, since apparently the guy hadn't done that. When we got to the place she continued to radiate sullen upsetness. She made two vague comments about the food and then stomped out, leaving me alone at the table, because I wasn't conversing (I had no idea that she had been trying to start a conversation, and it wasn't like I was ignoring her--just not actually saying anything). In the end, we ended up with the question: "Why are you avoiding talking to me?" which I responded to with: "I find it offensive and hurtful when you dismiss my opinions with 'that's not true' and end the conversation."


For what it's worth, my mom started the arguing portion of that particular argument and I had to see it to its disappointing conclusion so that she wouldn't escalate indefinitely. I was experimenting to find out what happened if I did empathize with her and give a little ground, and treat her more like a friend. I haven't raised my voice once in the past week! My goal was to get her to go from saying "that's not true" when she thinks something is incorrect, to saying "Why do you think that?" Here are some of the hilarious things she thought were more appropriate:

a. "I should instead change how I am perceiving her dismissive behavior"
b. "I should take responsibility for her dismissive behavior--it's my fault for not immediately furnishing a long enough explanation with sources, so she doesn't know if I'm dismissable or not"
c. "I should ignore her dismissive behavior because I've been a pill for a really long time"
d. "I should ignore her dismissive behavior because she paid a lot of money when I was a kid and that should be enough to purchase my compliance"
e. "I should let her decide whether my feelings about her dismissive behavior are valid or not"
f. "Accuse me of silencing her by not permitting her to dismiss me (I said it was fine if she didn't change her mind or take my opinion on faith, I just wanted to be spoken to differently)"
g. "Attack the representative example of her dismissive behavior as unimportant"
h. "Derail the conversation over and over and over again to how my being un-interactive/avoidant has hurt her feelings, after I had already addressed that and sympathized with her multiple times"
i. "Accuse me of never putting any effort into the relationship, unlike her, which therefore means that she has had to change too much and it is now my turn (I had already changed my behavior multiple times within the same conversation to comply with requests)"
j. "Accuse me of saving up an emotional 'bill' from years and years ago and now forcing her to pay it in order to have a positive relationship (I did not bring up any old behaviors, only this one ongoing one I witness maybe five times a week, which in and of itself makes me not want to talk to her)"
k. "Derail to arguing that 'I need time by myself,' or otherwise taking quiet time, is a power play/shunning/trying to force her to change her behavior rather than discussing openly"
l. "Tell me I'm trying to make the conversation all about me and that I can't blame her for my problems all the time"

This is just a start, by the way. It was an extremely long and aggravating discussion.

[Bauglir]

I know I've said before that I wasn't sure if your parents were abusive or just dicks, but that hasn't been a question for a while, and I'm sorry it ever was. There's some unquestionably abusive horseshit going on in there.

[Putnam]

That's some of the worst gaslighting I've ever heard about. Sorry you have to go through that.

Figure the best I can do is try to provide people who might actually be able to support you... not sure if this really applies, but posting about it here might help you.

http://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists

[Knit tie]

The only piece of advice I can offer is that my relationship with parents became infinitely better when we started seeing each other twice a year, as opposed to always.

So yeah, if you want your family to love you, move the hell away so that they can replace the real you with an idealized phantasm. Although I am not sure if even thar could make your family love you, Vector. 

[mastahcheese]

Yeah, seriously, the best thing you could od is to get out as soon as possible.
I left my family the day I turned 18, and I've never regretted it.

[Mindmaker]

Moving out always helps. Our relationship is a tiny bit more relaxed now.
Although it has only a chance to become actually friendly once I'll be financially independent.

I think.
My father may as well stay the "You're nothing like the manly son I wanted!" forever, in which case I could simply reduce contact to him though.
When I'm calling home 95% of all times I'm talking to my mother anyway.

[Tiruin]

-snip-

 
"Change yourself for me..."
Mmm, they should...learn that communication is mutual, not one-sided.
I love how you're aiming to help them though, Vec..I think there needs to be a second reinforcing opinion on your side on that point? Seems they need convincing too, or reinforcement of another other positive note.
(Also if one 'changes too much', it doesn't add to the argument unless it is being explicitly being done for a reason...well, if the other party doesn't do anything, that is. :/)

As soon as I have a job, I'm out of here. And next time, I'll stay in the place with vermin and filthy, negligent, endangering roommates before I move back.

Don't take straws before thinking about them. D: There are other choices than choosing between...two evils.

[Frumple]

Can be, Tiru. There can be choices besides choosing between two evils. That doesn't mean there are. Having no choice but one evil and another, lesser, evil is entirely too common. Or even just two equal evils of different sorts. Especially for those who aren't yet financially independent enough to fully fend for themselves.

[Tiruin]

True...but I'm on the 'really really I don't think everyone would really be an ass' side when it comes to talking about roommates. Some are engrossed in their lives to pay attention more, yeah, but there are those people who would be true friends...Even those that don't look like it. (I've that one tough guy with tattoos and height that is a really NICE person Just looks super mean and such)
So, that bit is my basis.

[Frumple]

Oh. You can still be a nice person and be a filthy, negligent, endangering roommate. These aren't necessarily conflicting things, I don't think. I've met plenty of people that are overall decent folks but not all that savvy about house maintenance and whatnot.