[xmas card]
This is an open letter to everyone in Washington State.
I want to love you, because a life full of love is better than a life full of hate. But, and I cannot help this because I am human, my love your you wanes in direct proportion to how much I need to compete with you for scarce resources.
If I am starving and huddled over a morsel, and you are also starving and eyeing my morsel, and the morsel will cause one of us to live and the other to die, I must choose my survival and your death. And so I must choose to love myself and hate you in order to make that choice.
Scarce resources are not all morsels and mates, though. Take space in traffic for example. We both need to get where we're going, right? There's only so much road and a lot of cars that want a share of it. So when I'm surrounded by people who desperately press into the segment of road that my car is currently occupying, I begin to view the road as a scarce resource.
Of course that section of road is nowhere near as dramatically important, as vital, as the single morsel of food to a starving man. Similarly, I would not fight to the death over a segment of road - that would be ridiculous.
But I must say, competition with you over a scarce resource makes me love you less and hate you more. It is anthropological, biological. It vibrates every cell of me with a song of conflict.
Surprisingly, and unlike most similar things in life, you have control over how much I love you right now. You can stay the fuck at home and stop clogging the stores with your filthy mouthbreathing corpus and tribe of offspring. Your petty errands are unimportant. If you absolutely must seep forth from your dwelling-hole, you can at least drive right instead of like a douchebag.
You might say I can be the one to choose to stay home. I love you significantly less as soon as that petulant lisp escapes your cracked lips. Me staying home will not make me hate you less because it will magnify my hate by the factor of my resentment toward you all. Your impact on my love for you is based on the inconvenience I experience because of you; being unable to get shit done is an immense inconvenience to me.
You might wonder why I am so much more important than you. Of course I am more important to me than you are to me; I don't give two shits about you. That's the heart of this matter: the issue here is what you all do for me, not the other way around. If you want to write an open letter to all of Washington State, perhaps after brushing up on your English and actually finishing high school, please do. One of the tenets of American freedom is that we all have the right to ridicule the pitiful squeak and burble you summon from your vapid, pointless imagination.
So consider, please, this wonderful holiday season, that in maximizing my love for you, you are contributing to peace and goodwill which is after all what Christmas is all about.
[/xmas card]