So it turns out the threads for the lug on my tire were pretty goddamn mangled. Tow truck driver (who also owned a sporty little Honda at one point) sympathized with me and (since I was going to have to pay him anyways) applied his muscle to it and finally broke it loose. Looking at the lug, I don't feel particularly bad I couldn't get it with my noodley arms, there was enough of the thread deposited inside the lug you couldn't see to the back of it. All told it was $160 bucks for a new tire and yadda yadda. I'm only really raging because I missed a day of work because I couldn't break that lug off myself. Otherwise I would have driven to work instead of waiting around until almost noon for the tow truck driver.
On the other hand, me being at home was the only thing that stopped this busted water pipe from being a total catastrophe. The damage was "not as bad as it could have been" although that's cold comfort when you see about 40 sq feet of dry wall missing from the ceiling, and everything made of paper completely soggy (which will be completely frozen by tonight.) The culprit was a 8 inch length of pipe with a 1 inch crack in it.
Apparently the geniuses that built this place put water pipes closer to the exterior of the house than the plumber/restorationists have "ever seen before." The offered solution was to heat the garage so this doesn't happen again. While heated garages are awesome, it's basically pissing your heating bill away into a drafty icebox that will never retain the heat given to it.
Man, what a day. Somehow I think the whole month is going to be like this.