Print

Please login or register.
1 Hour 1 Day 1 Week 1 Month Forever
Login with username, password and session length

[Gutierrez]

Dear Urist McEvenmoreuselessthanusualsinceyoureaduplicatenoble,

We were getting along just fine.  You love gold.  You mandated production of all kinds of gold items.  We had fun, built statues of Antelope fiends and I decorated your room with them to remind you of the horror that can befall a noble like yourself if you don't behave.

Sadly, you also love creepy crawlers.  And lately you have asked those in the clan to produce great dwarvish crafts from their teeth.  I know you have seen the one writhing around our food stores and I know it brings you happy thoughts.  But no matter how Urist McSlaughterhouse would cut it, I would get no teeth to appease you.

This is greatly disappointing and I do not feel I will be able to wait for a reelection.  Therefore it is with a maybe less than heavy heart I have decided to let you go.  The only question I'm left pondering, my dear Urist McEvenmoreuselessthanusualsinceyoureaduplicatenoble, is how?

[Greiger]

Make a death chamber.  Pave the floor of said death chamber with gold bars.  Add a lever and a floodgate to the room.  Place magma on the otherside of the floodgate.  Have Mr McEvenmoreuselessthanusualsinceyoureaduplicatenoble, pull the lever and lock the door.

Honor his memory as he gets to enjoy all of his new molten gold.  Sounds like a proper fate for a noble that actually behaved for a short time.  Still a magmay death, but he gets to enjoy it a little.

I also must point out that your post is awesome and made my day.

[Misterstone]

If you want molted gold, don't pave the floor.  Just drop golden bars on top of it somehow.  Stockpile is probably the easiest way.   

[Rainforce]

my first mayor only demanded an adamantine throne in his dining room and mandated masses of other adamantine stuff....
*lucky*

[Hyndis]

I put up with nobles like that because I also make them the captain of the guard, and give them no weapons.

So the noble goes on demanding adamantine, diamonds, and slade everywhere, and when he doesn't get his way he wanders around the fortress and slaps a few people as punishment.

Its hilarious when he does that. It won't cause any damage either. Its pretty much impossible for one dwarf to wrestle another to death, and the punishment is only a few attacks.

The noble slapping the other dwarf won't hurt the other dwarf at all.

[Greiger]

If you want molted gold, don't pave the floor.  Just drop golden bars on top of it somehow.  Stockpile is probably the easiest way.   

Ah of course.  Well I posted that in the middle of the night so I forgive myself for making that silly mistake.

[Warlord255]

I put up with nobles like that because I also make them the captain of the guard, and give them no weapons.

So the noble goes on demanding adamantine, diamonds, and slade everywhere, and when he doesn't get his way he wanders around the fortress and slaps a few people as punishment.

Its hilarious when he does that. It won't cause any damage either. Its pretty much impossible for one dwarf to wrestle another to death, and the punishment is only a few attacks.

The noble slapping the other dwarf won't hurt the other dwarf at all.

This actually sounds hilarious. I might have to try this.

[darkrider2]

when you kill him... make sure that the creepy crawler is in the same room he is in.

[bluefox]

I deal with the duplicate mayor problem by starting a tradition.

All my mayors are also my brokers. So, when the election's over, and a new mayor has been appointed, the old mayor is still the broker.

Spring comes, and with spring is the elven caravan. The elves come in, set up at the trading depot, unload their stuff, and I send in the now ex-mayor.

"Hello, Urist," the elves say. "Have any special crafts for us this time? Preferably cruelty-free?"

"Yes, of course," says the Mayor. "Special crafts, created just for elves. They're a couple of masterwork floodgates!"

And with that, the gates snap shut, and magma starts pouring in. The elves don't go anywhere because they're supposed to meet with the broker, so even if they send a liaison, everyone stays where they're supposed to be. And no more secondary mayor, with his dumb mandates.

Traditions are important. And I imagine every candidate for mayor has to accept the idea that the position is both term-limited and for life.

[Kazang]

I put up with nobles like that because I also make them the captain of the guard, and give them no weapons.

So the noble goes on demanding adamantine, diamonds, and slade everywhere, and when he doesn't get his way he wanders around the fortress and slaps a few people as punishment.

Its hilarious when he does that. It won't cause any damage either. Its pretty much impossible for one dwarf to wrestle another to death, and the punishment is only a few attacks.

The noble slapping the other dwarf won't hurt the other dwarf at all.

This actually sounds hilarious. I might have to try this.

Works fine until your Legendary Axedwarf gets elected for being awesome and killing more goblins than you can shake a cat at.

[Arkose]

Works fine until your Legendary Axedwarf gets elected for being awesome and killing more goblins than you can shake a cat at.

I'm okay with particularly awesome dwarves murdering whomsoever they choose with their weapon of choice. I imagine you only have to execute a few citizens for the weapon to earn a name.

[Maggarg - Eater of chicke]

Lock him in a room full of gigantic insects from the deeps.
That should cure his affection for vermin. Permanently.

[Hyndis]

Works fine until your Legendary Axedwarf gets elected for being awesome and killing more goblins than you can shake a cat at.

If he's not the captain of the guard it doesn't matter.

[Mishy]

Catch a shit ton of spiders and whatever other insects you can. Fill a room with them. Put him in.

[Ratbert_CP]

Works fine until your Legendary Axedwarf gets elected for being awesome and killing more goblins than you can shake a cat at.

Cat?  What is this cat you speak of?  Do you mean the little scampering leather fruit?  They're tasty!  Little Uristy McBeardedbaby is quite fond of strained leather fruit in prickleberry wine sauce...