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[Dagoth Urist]

Hi. I'm in high school, or my country's equivalent. The place where I get my secondary education is technically in another town, and I knew absolutely no one when I got there, at the end of last summer. Now, to my actual problem. I figure I could ask for help here, as there are no consequences if I don't get any. There's this girl in my new school...

I know, I know: Ask her out! And I will! We both feel strongly about each other, or otherwise I've been delusional for a long time. I met her for the first time about nine months ago, and even though there have been undertones of something since the beginning, we've been friends for quite some time now. How do I work myself around that problem?

None of my past relations, in one way of saying it, have been anything similar to friends at all. Often I unconsciously hinder myself from behaving in a certain way; it's behaviour learned and imprinted on me in a previous life. I do not want to act, be or even think like a douche. I don't think I've ever been one mentally, but a lot of it is "hardcoded" into me. Especially when I'm under stress. I don't like the mask I put on before being "reborn" and now it's all over me. Being nice, friendly and helpful shouldn't exactly be hard to accomplish; it's a matter of attitude. I think I've grown up, or at least are on the right way. I can look behind my shoulders and see what a uncaring, cocky, egoistical and narcissistic complete *censored* I've been, and learn from it. Self-loathing can be productive, if harnessed.

Anyway, I digress. We, I and her, haven't got much in common, as far as I know. In my class we're both the persons that people generally know the least about. It's not that we're reclusive or overly introvert - far from it in both our cases. In my case it is because all my friends there are fairly recent, and I live far from them . If there's one consistently good quality to me; is that I'm a people person. She isn't as talkative as I am, and there's where my main problem roars its ugly head.

I worry that I am a motor-mouth sometimes, especially when I'm with her. I don't want to go on long monologues about something that probably isn't all that interesting to begin with. I'll come off as egocentric and she'll be bored. And boring is the worst possible thing anyone could be.  So then I choose my topics and subjects much more carefully. Sometimes it just takes too damn long time, and I will kill myself if I try to start another conversation by asking "Hey, what do you think about X?" after twenty minutes of silence! I love it when we're with the bigger social circle of 4-6 other people excluding us. There I can show her wit and intelligence by talking to the group instead of to her. We talk to each other directly as often as we could, and should...

My god, she is beautiful, smart, funny, gracious and - cry my heart out, me. Do you see the same problem with asking her out as I do? Two hours and thirteen minutes of uncomfortable silence. That is my actual phobia. Silence between me and another person. I can cope with it, if it's between me and someone I've known for years. I guess it's irrational, but it definitely doesn't to me. 

Can you help me with being more communicative with someone who isn't talkative? I can't think of anything else relevant to add. I just realized that this post is partly a call for help, and partly a pat on my own back and partly me wallowing in despair. Ah well, let it be that then.

[smigenboger]

Well, you are definitely more self-aware and broader thinking than most of the sad, sad people on this LA channel. Kudos! I plan on moving in the Fall to start a new life, so I feel like I have some connection here.

Silence is only a problem if you make it a problem. It's hard to chase what isn't there, so if conversation isn't really available, don't pursue it. Someone said they liked me as a roommate because I didn't try to dredge up conversation when most people normally would have, so our words were more interesting when there was something actually good to say. (That and I looked great then)

The question seems to be 'Do I pursue this interesting person who probably feel uncomfortable when we are alone, or do I cut my losses and connect with someone one a more relatable level?' That condition really sucks, but you can always keep this person around and see what happens later. You seem to be a social person (whereas I'm more in-crowd), so you have the ability to meet a large, diverse group of people to compare compatibility with.

Good luck!

[Pillow_Killer]

A truth drug  is a psychoactive medication used to obtain information from subjects who are unable or unwilling to provide it otherwise.  However, they are properly and productively utilized in the evaluation of psychotic patients in the practice of psychiatry. In the latter context, the controlled administration of intravenous hypnotic medications is called "narcosynthesis" or "narcoanalysis." It may be used to procure diagnostically- or therapeutically- vital information, and to provide patients with a functional respite from catatonia  or mania.According to prevailing medical thought, information obtained under the influence of intravenously-administered sodium amytal can be unreliable; subjects may mix fact and fantasy in that context.  Skeptics imply that much of the claimed effect of the drug relies on the belief of the subject that he or she cannot tell a lie while under its influence.  Some observers also feel that amobarbital does not increase truth-telling, but merely increases talking; hence, both truth and fabrication are more likely to be revealed in that construct.

[Dagoth Urist]

Snip!

I figured that if I couldn't be more self-aware, I couldn't possibly change at all. Thank you, and good luck to you too!

Me making the silence is an interesting thought. I still believe that it would be a problem, even if I insisted on it not being one, though :/ Quality versus quantity of words is something I should remember, really.

The question you've written is very, very true. That's what I'm saying, or at least what I'm trying to. It just feels as if my literally only major problem in life would resolve itself if only I could get rid off the weird tension by simply communicating better with her. I guess there could be other people I could connect with... It is simply that they are so very, very distant second choices. They don't even compare! It's true, this really sucks. Still, my only major problem in life, so I'm not utterly miserable all the time I've already kept her around for nine months, and it's summer break soon... I feel obliged to myself to actually take action or something... :/ Also; she has a best friend in her class. I must be honest and sincere, although this isn't flattering for me. I think I hate her. She actively drags her away from me and other people. This makes her hard to reach after school, and her friend seems to make all her decisions for her! Maybe that's a weakness; being too nice...

My worst case scenario for me would be to bury the sentiments and move on, and I know that does not equal death. Regardless, I thank you

Snip?

So you're saying that I should drug her? Or that I should drug myself? Both of us? Either ways... Thanks.

[Josephus]

Snip?

So you're saying that I should drug her? Or that I should drug myself? Both of us? Either ways... Thanks.

This is an awful plan, especially since alcohol is legal, or if you're underage, easily obtainable.

Anyway, brosephus, I notice you say that you and she haven't got a lot in common? Well, then, it might not work out. The best icebreaker is similar areas of interest, birds of a feather and all that shit. On the other hand, you could try just asking her out.

Uh, this is a weird question, I know, but are you good looking? It would help if you were.

[uber pye]

use questions to creat dialoge 

[Cthulhu]

nine months ago, and even though there have been undertones of something since the beginning, we've been friends for quite some time now.

Do you want me to tell you the truth, or do you want me to tell you what you want to hear?

[Dagoth Urist]

This is an awful plan, especially since alcohol is legal, or if you're underage, easily obtainable.

Anyway, brosephus, I notice you say that you and she haven't got a lot in common? Well, then, it might not work out. The best icebreaker is similar areas of interest, birds of a feather and all that shit. On the other hand, you could try just asking her out.

Uh, this is a weird question, I know, but are you good looking? It would help if you were.

I know it's an awful plan! It was a flat 'thanks'.
And if I'm good looking? I'm a beaut! 

Do you want me to tell you the truth, or do you want me to tell you what you want to hear?

Truth please. I guess it'll go along the lines of "you're in the friend zone" :/

[alway]

Get her to play DF. If she hates it, don't bother with her. If she loves it, you just got something to fill those spaces in coversation with. 

[Grakelin]

The friend zone isn't nearly the issue you guys keep making it out to be.

Seriously, get real. Friends get with friends all the time, especially in high school.

[Footkerchief]

I've been in a situation that was at least superficially similar to yours.  The girl had joined my high school friend group via a mutual friend, and although we were constantly hanging out (and frequently talking) in a group setting, and had plenty of similar interests etc., we didn't talk very well one-on-one.  The outcome?  Well, we started talking directly about the silence/awkwardness and it turned into a running joke.  Then, since we lived near each other, we started taking long walks on weekends to fight the awkwardness.  After a while it disappeared and we got together, did the teenage romance thing, eventually realized our futures didn't mesh, and broke up (this last part isn't meant to discourage you, it happens with 99% of high school relationships regardless).

So, based on your description, my best advice is to tackle the issue head-on by talking to her about it.  Unless you've totally misread her, there's a good chance she's itching to talk about it just as much as you are.  You seem like much less of a dork than I was in high school, so you'll probably do fine.

[Retro]

Ditto on having been in a similar situation (two, actually). I found that the only way to ease into having a natural conversation was to hang out and do boring stuff together in which the subconscious pressure of 'wanting' to talk to her finally gave up. We would just hang out writing papers together and would occasionally talk a bit, occasionally just work quietly. It built up some comfort that let us talk to each other in an ordinary fashion. Or do what Footkerchief mentioned and just go walking with her and turn it into a meta joke about the not-exactly-relationship you guys have. One of these situations ended up working out for me and one didn't, but it's still the best advice I have. You just need to bond a bit one-on-one, really.

[Grakelin]

Okay, I figured it out. Get her in your crosshairs and press 'Q'. Then, press 'E' with your penis equipped to get an insta-sex.

[inteuniso]

On a somewhat-related note, I thought a girl liked me and I liked her, and when I asked her out I was flatly rejected.

MAKE SURE SHE ISN'T LEADING YOU ON. That's the best advice I can give.

[Cthulhu]

Now now, was she leading you on or were you seeing attraction where there was none?