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[Urist McUristy]

There was once a legend of a powerful artifact, so great that it could destroy nations by swinging it, but it was lost in Time,
until one dwarf found it abandoned deep in a well, Nekolmunest, the great iron bucket! Guys, post your lamest artifacts you've had, I want to see what so many dwarves dreamed of making!

[Robocorn]

From Goldanguished comes Neshastgast Assarkadôl The diarite earring encrusted with diorite.

[Ilmoran]

I'm not sure if I still have the save, but the first mood in my first attempt at the Facility (draftsdwarves never see anyone, and all their basic needs are dumped in through a hole in the ceiling) made a cedar flute or something.  No adornments (other than the free one of the base material) so the thing was basically as cheap as you could get for an artifact.

Actually, I don't think it was a flute, because I'm pretty sure that whatever it was, doesn't even work being made out of wood (it was some kind of musical instrument).

[Nonsapient]

I was rather awed when I first saw it .  I thought it was incredibly narcissistic of him to craft an idol of himself.  He intending to get the other dwarves to start a  cult? 

This was 40d, and my first experience with anything like a figurine.

[KhazâdAimênu]

Most useless I ever got was "Calmspirals the Fatal Syrup", a green glass ring. Had some pine on it. Worth less than some nice roasts I've made.

I got a bucket once too, but I thought it was pretty useful - in addition to having the awesome name "Ubur Ros, The Glutton of Deciding", I built a well with it in my meeting hall. Those were some happy loiterers.

[Dave Mongoose]

A hematite hatch cover called 'The Abyssal Watch'.

The name couldn't be more appropriate: the mood happened just after I lost 9 dwarves to a swarm of Troglodytes that I hadn't noticed coming up from the caverns.

A hatch cover would have been *REALLY* useful then, too...

[tastypaste]

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Technically it's not completely useless since someone could theoretically wear the tunic. But that does me no good. It's nearly as useless as the artifact adamantine war hammer a dwarf made. If you didn't know, the effectiveness of a war hammer comes from its density and adamantine is very light weight. So a war hammer made out of adamantine is less effective than one made of iron. Yet my hammerdwarf won't put it down because he loves it. Basically it's just a waste of adamantine that could have been used to make some great armor. Although it is worth more than half the entire value of every item in my fortress combined.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

[Kavalion]

I once got an artifact short skirt.  That was pretty bad.  It was decorated with the sort of inane things you'd see at a fashion show.  Not exactly the ideal throne room decoration.  Can the military screen get someone to equip it?  I could have possibly stationed a female dwarf next to the throne if I hadn't let my fort get conquered.

Another one was an artifact steel right gauntlet.  I mean, that armorer was working away and I was thinking an artifact helm, breastplate, shield... it was going to be totally awesome.  But no, just the right gauntlet.  An interesting decoration, but... one of the worst in terms of hope crushing.

[king of xanth]

also, my medical dwarf went insane, totally skipping going into a mood a couple months before this

[Deimos56]

also, my medical dwarf went insane, totally skipping going into a mood a couple months before this

That isn't useless, bad, or unpleasant. That is a fairly bad ass bed, and likely to let you get away with shoving a noble of your choice in a peasant bedroom.

[ISGC]

a stone bed covered in spikes?
sounds pretty useless and unpleasant to me

[CppThis]

My worst is also my first: Roofbleed the Savior of Factions, a wooden bin.

Srsly.

The iron battleaxe and glass bed sort of make up for it though. 

[Deimos56]

a stone bed covered in spikes?
sounds pretty useless and unpleasant to me

noble of your choice

Even if dwarves cared about the spikes, there's always a use for sharp objects.

[Dante]

Avum Gan, The Culmination Of Dishes.
"This is a barrel. All craftdwarfship is of the highest quality. On the item is an image of wild strawberry in Pink tourmaline."

It's pink, and sparkly, is named after dishes, and has a picture of strawberries on it.

I thought, OK, I'll at least have a nice thematic place to store some strawberry wine. My dwarves, however, are currently storing fish in it.

[thepet]

The last two artifacts my dwarves just created:

1.  Poolbraided the Outrage of Healing a willow toy axe

and

2.  Gearedcertain the Amazing Defect of Wars a gray chalcedony mini-forge

On the item is an image of Smunstu Trammelhells the goblin in gray chalcedony