Note: After sporadically typing into this for a few days, I no longer really remember all the things I was planning on writing, and it may have gotten a little disjointed. I think it's for the best that I just put this part out, and write the rest in their own posts, where I can keep it at least somewhat organized.
Hmm... this concept has gotten me thinking, especially with the "no weapons, and only passive resistance"... I we're only going by the most extreme and looney fringe, then I have plenty of suggestions... My better judgment has actually been warring with my inner cynic as to whether or not to put so much likely flamebait under my own name in exchange for merely having a chance to make a handful of vicious and bitter political potshots, but what the hey? If we're going to be unfair, then let's be fair in our unfairness, and cover the other sides too, right?
... Incidentally, you get zero points for figuring out my political leanings.
I should say that I'm talking about American politics here, exclusively. I'm sure you people from the rest of the world have plenty of similarly insane politics, but I'm going with what I know.
First off, for all sides, the leadership of the entities will be politicians who are elected. The nobility (called "politicians") will have a special job enabled, where they work at a custom workshop called a "Sunday Talk Show". This workshop is built with a table, a few chairs, and a wooden puppet called a "host", whose job is to let the politicians talk about whatever they want without challenging their outrageous claims in any way. This job will be based upon the "Liar" skill, and will only produce a by-product called "BS", which has no use, and will quickly rot and create miasma.
Also, each world should have a Constitution. This may as well be made up of randomized words or phrases that get parsed together on worldgen, and it may as well be written on toilet paper for all the times that politicians and citizens alike will wipe their a** with it. Amusingly enough, the rate at which any one person or political party will decry the other side as being "Unconstitutional" or "Activist" is, in fact, directly proportional to the amount of Unconstitutionality or Activism that they, themselves engage in.
IndependentsDon't matter. Yeah, sure, there is a big fuss made about them, but the truth of the matter is that they don't vote. Independents are ruled by the first Liberal or Conservative that happens to walk in, who obtain power simply by voting for themselves in uncontested elections. They then make their posts lifetime appointments and nobody will stop them, because that would require actually bothering to become educated or active in politics in some way, and Independents are Independents because that is precisely what they cannot be bothered to do.
Conservatives:Ahhhhh, so much to say here. Keep in mind, kiddos, the purpose here is to make a joke
knowing it is just as unfair as saying that all Liberals are against all forms of weapons or violence. Furthermore,
Poe's LawConservatism is not so much a stand-alone philosophy as a reaction against the philosophy of Progressivism. Against the movements of "Change" is the force of "Status Quo", or even regressing backwards, to some sort of "Glorious Age". It protects those with power or wealth from having to share that power or wealth with others with funny notions of "social justice" or "class warfare". It protects those with ideas of a wondrous yesteryear where all the values they, and those within the limited stretch of world they were exposed to were considered the norm, from which nobody deviated. The notion that somehow, somewhere along the timeline, there was this perfect moment in history where everything was right is the core tenant of Conservatism. Therefore, accurate portrayals of history, with its inconvenient "facts" or "truth" are the bane of Conservative thinking.
For example, imagine, if we will, that there was some kind of war within a civilization or society. A "Social War", so to speak. This war was fought over a contentious moral issue where the Conservatives were on the side that was upholding the morally dubious side for economic or social reason, such as, say, slavery. Now let's say that the Conservatives lost this Social War, and the slaves went free. Hundreds of years later, it would be difficult to explain the shame of how Conservatives were upholding such a morally indefensible position, and lost to a bunch of stinkin' city liberals in the process. As such, they rewrite history to say it was about, oh, say, "City-State Rights", and about defeating the expansion of an over-reaching Mountainhome's influence (to control whether or not people could own other people as slaves). They could then paint this as an idyllic time in their history where they fought for Freedom in a famous wall carving called, say, "Gone With The Magma", or, say, "Birth Of An Entity".
Likewise, we must always pay homage to our Founding Fathers (called this because all mention of the women was erased) at all times, and always remain true to their intentions… however, because their intentions don’t always coincide with what Conservatives want to do at any given time, it is necessary to destroy all their old teachings. This is handled by the Tejas Orwellian He-Who-Controls-History Board, which determines what is allowed to be written into the books that are put into “schools”. Of course, since Conservatives don’t believe in public education (with it’s horrifying possibility of exposing children to other points of view or people who might not be exactly like themselves), this is used as bait in traps for Communists (the only ones besides the leadership who are literate), or as a fuel source for a lovely fire.
In order to properly replicate this, the Worldgen for anyone playing a Conservative Fortress must set the end date of Worldgen to the length of time that Conservative history reaches back to record: 1 year.
Likewise, in order to insulate themselves from their own massive hypocrisies or turnabouts (such as, say, supporting a Massive Government Bailout before blaming the Liberals who had to clean up the mess that it caused for it), all Conservatives must have a Memory stat range of 0 to 150 at the max. Hopefully, many Conservatives will be so forgetful that they will glibly contradict themselves within a single sentence without understanding what they have done.
All conservatives pretend to be followers of a deity whose spheres include Peace, Pacifism, Compassion, Social Justice, and Poverty. Naturally, its followers express their devotion to these tenets through warfare, discrimination, and unabashed greed. This is because they don't really have any faith in the
religion, they have faith in their own culture, which they then use the prop of religion to shield their cultural and political values from attack through the notion that they are attacking some kind of sacred tradition. Hence, if they and their community hate, let's say, people who've "Caught the Gay", then they can shield that hatred and xenophobia from scrutiny by claiming it's a religious belief, and that if someone says they should not discriminate against gays, it would therefore be religious discrimination.
Being called a Communist is the ultimate insult to Conservatives. They aren't really sure what "Communist" or, for that matter, "Socialist" means, exactly, but they know it is bad. In fact, "Communist" has pretty much just devolved into meaning "bad", such as overcooked Macaroni and Cheese (a favorite Conservative meal, alongside Deep-Fat-Fried Twinkies and Velveeta Cheese on Doritos) would be "Communist Macaroni and Cheese".
Communists are obviously people with Communist thoughts. They must be eradicated for the crime of being different... or something, nobody really knows what the crime is, but thinking unauthorized thoughts is most certainly not covered by Freedom of Speech. Every town or outpost (instead of an Expedition Leader or a Mayor) has a Your Friend Computer, whose job it is to compute who are the Communists, and then Bake The Communist - by allowing them to be left exposed to torture and then dumping their body into magma.
What's this about torture? Why of COURSE there is [ETHIC:TORTURE_FOR_FUN:ACCEPTABLE]! What else are we going to do to get our "confessions" or "information" from Communists and Terrorists? Find actual evidence of their wrongdoings? But what if they haven't actually DONE anything wrong?! How would we be able to justify our torturing and murdering them for fun then?! In fact, just asking that makes you a Communist.
Likewise, the word Freedom apparently means “whatever I want you to think is good right now”, for example, the FREEDOM Act, which is Freedom (you can tell, because it has “freedom” right in the name) because it allows the Government to protect your liberties by taking them all away
In fact, nobody can say what is or isn’t Constitutional anymore, as the Constitution was hidden, in order to protect it from Communists, naturally, who would try to read it, and ensure that it was followed, like all Communists want. In it’s place is the scrawled words “All men are created free, but some are more Freedomer than others.” This is followed by “Unborn Fetuses have the Right to Bear Arms.”
The great economist Urist Smith is considered the Father of Capitalism, which is the ideology of economics Conservatives claim they know something about. The actual teachings of Urist Smith, however, are off-limits to people to read or understand, however, as Urist Smith must be made out to be a hero, but some of his works include things like “The Tragedy Of The Commons”, which caution against the dangers of allowing individuals to reap the profits while collectivizing the costs of their business. This would inherently call for some kind of Regulation of business, which is Communist, so anyone who actually reads Urist Smith’s work is also a Communist.
The main activity of businessmen in Conservative entities is “The Stock Market”. This is a series of levers that the highest-class citizens may pull rapidly in order to gain as much money as possible. They are paid by the government for pulling these levers. This puts the nation into considerable debt, as nobody is producing anything, and just pulling levers repeatedly, but nobody complains because the people who use The Stock Market buy the politicians to ensure that they can keep making money by pulling levers all day.
Unfortunately, the levers are rigged in such a way that there is a small chance (which, given all the pulling they do, is almost certain to happen eventually) for a certain combination of lever pulls (use the logic operations with gears to make a certain combination of lever pulls to cause the effect) to cause a “market crash”. This crash will cause massive “Home Foreclosures”, which are, naturally, cave-ins of all the housing in a Conservative Fortress, hopefully crushing and killing as many poor as possible in the process.
Naturally, being a “Free Market Economy”, the Government will then give a “Bailout” of the rich, and build them bigger, fancier mansions, while leaving the poor to rot. This will be massively unpopular, but the Conservatives will simply repeatedly tell the poor that it is all the Liberals’ fault, and thanks to their lack of memory, Conservatives will eventually believe that what was repeated to them many, many times must have been the truth.
Thus, it is a “Free Market Economy”, because all the capital in the economy is provided to the market – for free – by the Conservative Government, but only to those who were the people who could afford to have purchased the government in the first place.
Conservatives don’t often actually make products (why manufacture goods when the stock market or government contracts are so much more profitable?) but when they do, all (yes ALL) their reactions have a side-effect of producing a liquid “carcinogen”, which is generally collected in buckets, although may simply be left to spill on the floor, especially if it can get washed away by an aquifer or into drinking water. This Carcinogen will naturally cause Cancer, which should be made as an appropriate syndrome. Carcinogen is deadly if left concentrated lying around, and there is no reason to even be making carcinogens in the first place, but telling businesses to stop making poison that kills citizens for no reason would be REGULATION, and we all know that’s Communism, so they make it anyway.
Carcinogens are often mixed up with High Fructose Corn Syrup (a reaction that also makes carcinogen) to make “Candies”, which are then marketed to the poor children, because that way, a profit can be made on Carcinogens, and all that disease-causing goop can be cleaned up without harming anyone the business owner knows or cares about.
Conservatives cannot melt metal objects down to reuse the metal, because that is recycling, and recycling is related to caring about the planet or the environment, and caring about the planet or the environment is Communist.
Conservatives are incapable of making regular alcohol, as all their breweries were purchased by the Dutch or the Krauts or something (who are all Communists), so all alcohol must be imported or made from "Moonshine", which has poisonous side effects of making people blind or potentially causing necrotic damage to the brain.
The largest funder of the economy, however, is, naturally, the “Small Government”. Nobody is quite sure what “Small Government” means, but it is the preferred economy of Conservatives, and the meaning of “Small Government” can be inferred from how the system works: First, the Government stops taxing the rich. Second, the Government stops “interfering in the lives of ordinary Conservatives” by planting security officers inside everyone’s bedrooms to ensure everyone is only having the official State-Approved methods of sexual acts. Likewise, the Religious Branch of the Government is capable of making it a Federal crime for questioning church dogma, and will use their special “unity of Church and State” powers to sniff out heretics, which are, of course, Communists (or Caught the Gay and Communist). Likewise, it is the Small Government’s job to run the economy through endless warfare and Contractors.
In spite of their propensity for it, innate violent streak, and how all Conservatives remember it, Conservatives are actually incapable of winning any wars. Losing a war is just too profitable for anyone to really consider WINNING one. Besides, nobody will remember that you lost it, and will blame the Liberals for it, anyway.
The overwhelming majority of government spending will be on the military, of course. However, all this money will go to Contractors. Contractors are corporations that politicians used to work for, who are given tremendous amounts of money so that when the politician goes back to work for the Contractor, they can give themselves tremendous bonuses. Contractors do nothing with this money (besides pay politicians back), although they produce declarations of what kind of “superweapon” they will eventually give the military to allow them to “win every war ever”, such as a “Laserplane” or an “Osprey” (a particularly famous example, which has been in “research” for the past 600 years, and several quadrillion dwarfbucks).
The actual army fights naked. They can’t even come close to equipping all the poor people who glut their ranks, so they don’t even bother. The military is thrown naked upon the enemy with no real objectives or leadership, and told to just wait there until the Freedom blooms wherever they are, while trying to avoid all the explosions and attacks from the mercenaries that are supposedly on their own side.
It’s just as well, however, because the army is generally composed of the poor (the rich always avoid military duty), and because they are poor, they generally all have cancer from all that candy they ate, and sending them off to war is a great way to dispose of the more expendable members of their population in a way that makes you look heroic for killing them, rather than simply letting them die from the total absence of Health Care.
Mercenaries are the real favored military children of the government, and are given triple the salaries of a real soldier, actual weaponry, and are charged with the mission of killing anyone they find, soldier or civilian, friend or foe. At least, in between doing shots of Scotch from the ass crack of a fellow mercenary while supposedly protecting their entity’s embassy. You see, the mercenaries get paid for simply being in the field, not for actually winning fights, so the longer and more pointless the war, the better.
After successfully killing off most of their own army and as many civilians, regardless of their affiliation, as possible, it is, of course, the duty of the leadership to give themselves medals for their “Bravery”. It is, after all, a very “Brave” thing to do to condemn hundreds of people to horrible deaths from the comfort and security of the new extra-large solid gold throne they could afford from the kickbacks on their lucrative Defense Contracts. People aren’t very sure what “Bravery” means, but it is apparently also Brave to let yourself be tricked into dying for the personal wealth of someone who sees you as expendable, so “Bravery” is assumed to mean “Mindless obedience to the party line”.
Every conservative entity needs to have one set of skin color, hair color, and eye color completely arbitrarily selected to be the "Right Color", which is 400 times more likely to appear in their culture's Conservatives than any other color. They will build their culture entirely around allowing those with The Right Color to have dominance over all other colors. (Which is why there is so much dominance of this color - to support Conservatives when you are any color but the color they are discriminating in favor of would be so utterly out of one's own self-interests as to be nearly suicidal.) This will hopefully be repeated for various different Conservative cultures, so there are different Conservative entities who all have different Right Colors and names for their religious figures, even though they will all have the same Spheres and religious messages.
As everyone knows, someone with a different skin color and religion than you who is militant and religious is a "Terrorist". All these different entities, in spite of their religions having the exact same teachings, and sharing all the same ethical values (such as not allowing women to vote, or their oppressive demands for how, exactly, everyone will dress, speak, act, or think), will be locked in eternal "religious" warfare that is, in reality, based purely upon their cultural heritage and slight differences in skin tone.
Of course, you might notice that this makes ALL conservatives terrorists, even the ones of The Right Color. Well of COURSE they're all Terrorists! But they're Terrorists of The Right Color, and The Right Religion, so they are Proud Right Wing Terrorists, which are called the "Patriot Movement". And that HAS to be good - it has "Patriot" right in it! That is to say, if you're a Terrorist, but you're The Right Color while doing it, then it's Freedom Terrorism, but if you're NOT The Right Color, then it's Communist Terrorism. Therefore, when someone who is The Right Color and The Right Religion commit terrorist acts that murder civilians, even of their own countrymen, then it was all the Liberals' fault for existing in the first place that forced Conservatives to become Terrorists in the first place! What do you mean they'd be Terrorists anyway because they fetishize torture and violence?! That's Communist talk!
Likewise, all people who are not The Right Color must be checked for those evil Illegal Immigrants (AKA Terrorists or Communists). As we all know, all people who are not your own color are potential illegals, and as such, must keep their “papers” on them at all times. People who are not The Right Color can be stopped at any time and asked for their papers, or be marked as Terrorists/Communists, and tortured to death. Of course, nobody knows what legitimate papers look like, so all people who are not The Right Color should be tortured to extract a confession just to be sure.
Conservatives have a 9:1 ratio of males to females.
Women cannot vote or have any rights, and are meant to be "subservient to their husbands", as the parts of their religion that they feel like listening to tell them. In Conservative Utopia, the vile threat of Feminism was fortunately stopped when it was discovered that Feminism could obviously only be caused by "Catching The Gay", as there is no other reason for a woman to want equal rights other than because they Hate Freedom (as all that Catch The Gay do).
Women are only allowed one position within the power structure of Conservative entities: The "Fair And Balanced Journalist". (There are no Fair And Balanced Reporters, they get their news directly from the PR firms of the Conservative Government and the Corporations.)
Perhaps unexpectedly, trading with Communists is surprisingly Freedom. In fact, promising the future children of Conservatives as slaves for Communists is the main way that Conservatives "pay" for their grandiose Small Government spending programs.
This can prove a danger, however, as many foreign products are presumed to be infected with The Gay. (Obviously, it must come from outside, as no Man of Conservative born would have The Gay!)
Those who tragically Catch the Gay have only two choices, based upon their Straightforwardness trait and gender: Either join the clergy (unless they are women, everyone knows women aren’t allowed to hold any position of power in a church), and preach hatred against all things homosexual, while simultaneously engaging in the very things that they rail against, or be honest about themselves… which is guaranteed torture to death. Fortunately, if a member of the gay-hating clergy is ever exposed as having The Gay, themselves, they can declare that they are taking “Therapy” for a week that will Cure The Gay. They can then resume their child-rape with no consequences, as they are the males of The Right Color in a position of authority, and as such, they are exempt from all laws of man or God.
Naturally, nobody is let into the clergy without being willing to rape children or sodomize inquisition victims, and they are promoted based upon their ability to cover up the act.
Anyone who questions why the church preaches against homosexuality or pedophilia when they are so obviously an organization crawling with homosexuals and pedophiles is, obviously, a Communist.
Ironically, doing or thinking or saying whatever you feel will make you labeled a Communist. For example, writing this has made me Communist. Reading this has made you Communist. Doing or thinking or saying whatever you feel is what was formerly defined as Freedom. Therefore, Communism is Freedom.
Communism, however, is Tyranny. That is what we have been taught about the history of Communism.
Therefore, Tyranny is Freedom.
Welcome to
Dick Cheney's America The Conservative Utopia.
Land of the "Free".
Home of the F***ing "Brave".
(For other examples of a Conservative Utopia, please see Paranoia, the Fallout series, and The Watchmen.)
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Topic: Liberal Crime Fortress - PreAlpha! (Read 13445 times)