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[Master Catfish]

You all at the DF community seem like a decent bunch, so I thought I'd post my plea for help here.  I'm pretty confused about what I'm feeling, and don't know how to deal with it.  I'm a 20 year old guy, and there's a 22-year old woman whom I am completely infatuated with.  She feels the same way about me, or at least close enough.  This would be all well and dandy, except she's got a boyfriend.  I originally intended to hang out with her just as a friend (she's been a really good friend in the past), but now we have feelings for each other.  It's difficult, but we avoid having any intimate contact.  She lives a 3 hour drive away from me, so I've been visiting her on the weekends.  I go to college, and she works.

Here's the part where I need some advice.  We often talk for short amounts of time each day on the phone.  She'll call me at work, or before bed.  I love talking to her, but after we hang up I feel awful.  A good way to describe it would be choking anxiety, and it's often accompanied by extreme nausea and a complete lack of motivation. 

I don't know how I can get back to focusing on my work at college.  If I were to stop talking to her, I know I'd end up really depressed, which would only worsen my situation.

...Sorry for the text wall, and thanks in advance.

[Pillow_Killer]

Get help of a profession psychologist, dont ask relationships advice on a forums whose userbase consists of depressive-maniacal people with fixation on bearded midgets. It's a bad place to ask for advice, really.

[Jude]

 If I were to stop talking to her, I know I'd end up really depressed, which would only worsen my situation.

You'd get over her. At first it feels like you'll never get over someone but then you're surprised at how quick you do

Anyway, tryna brody a girl that has a boyfriend just isn't going to end well. I was thinking about it the other month but luckily there were TWO strikes against me, that she had a boyfriend and lived two hours away so I didn't pursue it.

Lastly, the post above mine is probably the best advice you'll get

[Shades]

Tell her to leave him and be with you or to stay out of your life. If she likes you as much as you think then you'll end up with her and if she doesn't then you'll get over her. Either way it's better than the situation your in which is no fun for anyone.

[Jude]

A girl dumping one guy for another doesn't end well

Neither do rebound relationships

That's why you keep your distance for the time being unless you want to be her back-door man or something, but back-door men don't do well to fall in love

[ClaySpider]

If they sleep with one another (yes, I mean baby producing) then consider that they're already married. (No sex before marriage!)

But if you feel that she is the ONLY one in your life... Then wait a bit till your hormones are in place and see what happens then... Unless they're already married by then.

But I don't have the necessary profession to deal with your problem, so don't read my post anyway.
Talk to someone you know about such thing, someone perhaps older and down to earth.

[Master Catfish]

(No sex before marriage!)

(lol)  I respect your opinion, but such an idea is preposterous to me and almost everyone I know.

I appreciate hearing the perspectives you guys are offering, but what I really want to know is how I might gain some measure of control over my emotions in the short term.  It would be particularly nice to hear everyone else's experience in dealing with intense emotions, and what worked/didn't work.

I don't really want to go see a counselor, since it would be expensive and I'm kind of afraid of being psycho-analyzed. 

EDIT:  BTW, awesome avatar Pillow_Killer.

[Blacken]

OP: Friend zone. Sorry dude. You're (not) boned. It's possible to get out of the friend zone, but it is not easy. Nut up and go for it, deal with being The Friend, or ZCP (EDIT: Zero Contact Policy--avoid) the girl. The first and the third are hard but satisfying, the second is easy but painful. Your call.

As for "afraid of psycho-analyzed"--no credible psychologist performs psychoanalysis anymore. It's become a crackpot's pseudo-science. Nothing wrong with talking to someone trained in working through problems. If you're a college student, you can probably talk to somebody (grad students working on Psy.D.'s, usually) at your campus's health center.

If they sleep with one another (yes, I mean baby producing) then consider that they're already married. (No sex before marriage!)

This is the counterproductive advice I have seen in a while. But thank you for the chuckle.

"Baby producing"? C'mon. The phrase is fucking. Screwing in a slightly nicer context. Boning if you want a word that almost instantly causes chuckles. Making love if she's going to hear it.But "baby producing"? We aren't five years old here, chief.

To illustrate the chuckleworthiness of the above phrase:"no sex before marriage" causes one of the leading causes for marital unhappiness: sexual incompatibility. Humans bone. We are built for boning and we like boning. Being in a monoscrewgamous relationship with someone you don't like boning is a good way to find yourself divorced and not boning anybody at all.

(This is not an invitation to debate the topic with me; I will decline, as to not derail the thread further.)

[Master Catfish]

Blacken, you're pretty funny.  I got a couple chuckles out of the second part of your post.  I think you're wrong about the 'friend zone' thing though.  Friend zone implies that she is not interested in me, when in reality she has indeed told me that she is considering leaving her boyfriend. 

I think it's too late for ZCP.  

I had no idea that psycho analysis was not a thing anymore.  That's pretty good to know.  I will probably look into that if this crap persists much longer.

...Still hoping for some advice about how to deal with the emotional part though.

[G-Flex]

One thing to consider: She's in a really tough spot right now. Do whatever you can to not push her. The last thing she needs to do is make this kind of decision based on pressure from other people, or because she thinks somebody's going to go nuts if she makes the wrong one. So try to be, I don't know, fairly relaxed about it with her. I don't mean to pretend it doesn't matter, but don't treat it like a life-or-death sort of thing because that's a good way to really screw up someone's decision-making process.

[Jude]

As for "afraid of psycho-analyzed"--no credible psychologist performs psychoanalysis anymore.

Not true at all, unfortunately

It's become a crackpot's pseudo-science.

Well, it was all along, now it's just not as trendy anymore

[G-Flex]

The thing about psychoanalysis is that, while it's not complete horseshit, it's hard to distinguish between the stuff that isn't and the stuff that is.

It's not that psychoanalytic approaches don't work or are baseless, it's more that people tend to get hooked on dogmatic, singular theories of how everybody's mind is formed, which is a problem stemming back to Freudian analysis. In reality, if you're a therapist/psychiatrist and you're actually sane/smart about it, you're going to take a more eclectic approach and deal with it on a more personal/individualized level.

It's like with systems of philosophy and ethics: You can find virtue in a lot of them, but adhering too strongly to any one usually winds up with you reaching outside the bounds of its usefulness and trying to apply it where it should not be applied, or in cases where its assumptions don't hold true.

[Grakelin]

I'm not even going to read anybody else's post, because I know they're all wrong. Here's what you've gotta do:

Sail into her harbour. Talk with her father. Hopefully, you've been doing good things for him lately. He should let you see his daughter, soon. See if you can get her to go with you to a local dance.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Now, it is very important that you do a really good job of dancing with this woman. If she's worth your time, she will be better at dancing anyway, and will direct you with her hands. Sometimes the cleavage can be distracting, however, and when you really get down and dirty with it, your vision will probably swim around like a gyroscope having an epileptic seizure. Just do your best not to make any mistakes.

Next time you see her, make sure you bring a gift. A necklace or a diamond ring should do. You should be able to acquire one from a shady man at a local bar.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

She will undoubtedly be very happy to see this. She will probably warn you about her boyfriend. Now is the time to deal with this.

Take two swords. If you do not have two swords, purchase them. The same shady man in the bar will have them. They should be light swords, preferably cutlasses or rapiers. Longswords at the largest. Go to the boyfriend's house on a cool midsummer's night, and challenge him to a duel on his front lawn. Offer him one of the swords.

He is an insufferable cad, so he will probably insist that your combat take place on some sort of precarious ledge. Accept his offer. It doesn't matter, neither of you are likely to lose balance unless a huge vase falls on your head or something.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Okay, so, just keep your distance from this chick for a while, at least until she gets the opportunity to recover from what an awesome pwnage you just issued to her ex-lover. After a week or two, head back. Colonel Mendoza will have taken her by now, so you need to go get her back. Just sail around until you find him. Be careful, because if you've wrapped up too many unsuccessful relationships before this point, there might be dozens of Colonel Mendoza's all over the place, all of them carrying a different ex-girlfriend you don't want to have to deal with. They'll probably ask for a ride home, too.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Mendoza will probably have friends protecting him. I suggest bringing friends of your own. Give them all swords. Make it a rumble. You'll look really hot for doing it.

Finally, bring your ladyfriend home to her family, and propose to her on the spot. She will be so excited, she'll dye her hair and proclaim how she's the luckiest girl in the Western Hemisphere (in French).

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Friar Tuck should preside over your wedding. Also, make sure everybody keeps their swords handy in case Mendoza or the ex-boyfriend comes back

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

That's how you score babes.

[ChairmanPoo]

She feels the same way about me, or at least close enough.

how do you know this? has she told you?

[Jude]

The basic problem with psychoanalysis is that it's not empirically based. It works more like a religion as you said