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OK, this was SO. ABSURDLY. UNEXPECTEDLY. AMAZINGLY. AWESOME. It would TOTALLY warrant it's own ELFING thread. Because it is UNBELIEVABLE, like it totally DOESN'T HAPPEN. Smurf, I believe you're now partying with Cacame and Ironblood in the dwarven Valhalla, since you've died the most CARPING dwarven death possible.
DROWNING IN FREAKING MAGMA. Not burning, drowning. With only light brown wounds. Hell yeah.
And now that I've got your attention, let's go, shall we?
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Events of the 13th of Moonstone, 5001:
The sentries came back to the fortress, yelling "MITE!" as they did so. Everyone hid on the lower levels of the fort. No one dared to make a sound.
The mite however, did not seem particularly interested in attacking, and just milled around the entrance for a while.
Big Cheese came over to Smurf and said "Mr Smurf. I believe you are our only dwarf trained in battle." The recruit just nodded."And as such, it is your duty to defend us against any and all threats" He nodded again in agreement. "Very well. Now, there is a giant evil being at our gates, and..."
Smurf's face froze in an empty stare.
"Giant evil being, you say?"
"Erm, yes, but-"
"It's Gargamel, isn't it?"
"Actually, no-"
"Don't you dare lie to me! I know it is Gargamel! GARRRRRGAMEL! TODAY YOU MEET YOUR DOOM!"
Big Cheese could only stare in awe as the untrained, unarmored dwarf ran to battle.
"He's a goner." Mumbled Geti.
"Maybe not, he's got an axe!" Replied someone else.
Geti just pointed at an axe left lying over one of the tables, with the words "Property of Commander Smurf" written on it.
"Armok help him."
Smurf found the beast Issun over a mountain peak, chasing goats.
"Foul beast of Gargamel! I shall remove you from this world, forever!"
The monster just stared back, drooling venom through its gigantic maw.
Smurf charged at the monster.
The monster charged back at smurf.
The battle began. Smurf punched the titan in the body.
The titan's exoskeleton instantly broke, tearing through it's flesh and making it's guts spill out like spaghetti.
And then smurf just seemed to be dancing around, breaking one after another of the beast's legs. In return, he only received a bruised left arm.
The battle continued for hours: the evil being, now wary of the danger Smurf presented, was fighting more carefully, not hitting the dwarf but not being hit in return. Smurf was still mostly untouched. All the other dwarves had now exited the fortress and were watching the onslaught. The mite saw an opportunity in this: he might not be able to defeat this warrior, but he could at least kill as many of the others before being struck down.
It threw Smurf back with a mighty swipe of it's leg, and charged towards the fortress. The militia commander tried to catch it, but the creature used it's six remaining legs to skim the land as fast as a lion in pursuit.
"I'm losing him!" Yelled Smurf. "Someone stop him!" but the other dwarves were paralyzed with fear.
Somewhere inside the fortress, a copper shoe began to glow.
Issun, now having almost reached the fortress, felt something was wrong. He looked around in search of the dwarves, but his vision was foggy and clouded. Only one thing was distinct: A huge turtle demon, made entirely of brass, looked at him with fire in it's eyes. Issun stopped. He was going to destroy it. He HAD to destroy it. He stumbled and fell, and then dragged himself to the metalic reptile. It just stayed there, staring. Issun saw red. He thrusted his front leg through the thing's head, but it just bounced back. He leaped over the demon, biting it, striking it, trying to poison it, and failing. A sudden despair struck him. He stood there, montionless. How could he consider fulfilling his mission if a mere turtle was impervious to his attacks? He howled like a wounded wolf, and was only brought back to reality when he noticed that Smurf was breaking another one of his legs.
Smurf had not believed it when he saw the titan break it's charge to topple a statue, and the stay there attacking the said object. But it was an opportunity he could not waste. He leapt over the beast, attacking it with all his might, and the battle began once again. It seemed as smurf had got the upper hand, but suddenly the beast struck him so hard that he was sent flying.
Right into the volcano's crater.
Everything stopped. Even Issun ceased his attack to look in awe as the dwarf plunged into the magma pipe.
Smurf could see the magma getting closer every second, and was ready to die a burning death as soon as he touched the molten surface. Suddenly, however, a voice boomed inside his head.
"Use the Force, Smurf!"
And, at that moment, he realized what he had to do. He let out a mighty roar, closed his eyes, and plunged into the abyss. And he fell faster, and faster, and faster. At that moment, however, the laws of physics were busy calculating the square root of pi, and he didn't stop accelerating even after he reached terminal velocity, eventually going so fast that the magma didn't even notice he was there and forgot to burn him, and so he fell through the molten rock unscathed. And he kept falling for a good four or five minutes, because the volcano went all the way to the CENTER OF THE EARTH.
While he was falling, he waved at a magma man. The magma man waved back.
And then, all of a sudden, he reached a great magma sea, and used his DWARVEN TELEPATHY powers to send what he was seeing to everyone else on the fortress. And he said:
"Behold! The Great Magma Sea!"
"Behold! A carpload of minerals!"
"Behold! The end of the volcano!"
And then, he should have splattered on the ground, but the law of gravity had taken a break to read the unabridged edition of Pride and Prejudice, so he just floated to the floor unharmed. And then, of course, he noticed he had forgotten to breathe for the last minutes. "Maybe now is a good time to start", he thought.
Bad move.
Right before he drowned to death (OK, maybe the internal bleeding helped it a little bit), he yelled this:
"Haika! Don the buckler! BE THE COMMANDER!"
And that was the end of Smurf.
At that moment, Haika knew what he had to do.
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*****DISCLAIMER:*****
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All the stuff I described here really happened (except the dialogues and the shining shoe, of course). The mite really attacked, Smurf really managed to break it's legs open with a punch, it really stopped fighting all of a sudden to try toppling the turtle statue several times, allowing Smurf to get a jump on him.
Smurf really fell through the magma pipe unharmed, a magma man tried to attack him but couldn't move fast enough, he really discovered the magma sea (how the others knew of it I'll never know), he really fell 168 Z-levels unharmed, and even if the game described the cause of his death as "internal bleeding", he had only light brown injuries, so I have to figure he drowned.
I DID NOT savescum to achieve this result. It was pure dumb luck.
This is why I freaking love DF. Made my day forty-two times more awesome in a couple of minutes. :3
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Topic: [Community] The Last Stand. (Read 3593 times)