I have struggled with this for more than a year now, off and on. Perhaps there is no solution, but I figured it wouldn't hurt to ask. I have a fear of falling asleep. No, not because of some perception of evil monsters or enemies attacking me, but the actual loss of consciousness itself. Several years ago I had a night terror which felt as real as the act of my typing this post, I truly thought my death was at hand. It was the only one I ever had. But about a year ago I had some similar dreams that seemed to happen right after I fell asleep, where some horrifying or gruesome face or creature would be approaching me, and I would try to wake up only to be in a semi sleep paralysis for some moments. This caused me to pay attention to my falling asleep.
Of course I got over such things because they so rarely ever happened. But paying attention to my sleep began to make me hyper aware of the loss of consciousness. As if I could feel the loss of control throughout my body, even my mind, while I fell asleep. Some nights I can slip seamlessly into slumber, others I have incredible trouble, like this one. Sometimes I will lay in bed for hours, feeling tired, even exhausted, in body and mind, but almost instinctively moving a limb, rolling over, or thinking thoughts that will prevent that loss of consciousness, all while I lay there in the dark with my eyes closed. I began to feel that the loss of consciousness is what it must be like to pass into death, my deepest fear in life. I'm a rational man and understand these to be irrational fears. Often fears or phobias are overcome by facing what you fear and desensitizing you to it. But I "face" this every single night, an inevitable part of every day, and still, after a year, I struggle.
I have tried many things, melatonin (which seems to create vivid, nightmareish dreams), focusing on thoughts completely unrelated to sleep, or trying not to think at all. But my downfall is that I'm not an easily distracted person, even as I think of something else, or try not to think, there is a separate, almost uncontrollable thought about the loss of consciousness and the resulting fear. I'm at a loss on what to do. Usually I eventually succumb to sleep, but sometimes it can take up to 2 or 3 hours to do so. I wouldn't say it's insomnia as most of the time I can fall asleep in 20-30 minutes. But I seem to, beyond my own will and desire, keep my mind awake and aware, and then the fact I linger awake just compounds on the thoughts. I wish I could simply tell my brain to stop thinking, to completely lose the capacity to dwell on such thoughts, but that is beyond me. I understand this is probably bizarre, I can't find many examples of such nonsense out there. And the fear is not a petrifying one, in fact, I'm not even sure I could call it fear, perhaps an anxiety. I have considered using anxiety medication for it, but that seems awfully extreme simply to fall asleep faster. But I went through my whole life enjoying sleep, being able to peacefully end the day in rest. Now whenever I begin to try to sleep there is this anxious feeling inside me, as if I have to battle against my own thoughts and fears every night, fears I try to rationally explain away yet rarely ever succeed in doing so. Does anyone have any suggestions?