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[Karnewarrior]

I have a story that I'd like some advice on, and I want to see your short stories...

Now I don't know what to say... So I'll begin.
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*Tomato People*
*Starring: The Prophet of Regret*

The Prophet of Regret sat looking out the transparent wall of his bedroom, idly stroking the folds of his robes with one finger. He was deep in thought. A grunt held up his robes some way behind him, putting as much distance as possible between him and the mad prophet muttering softly before the window.
 "Gribbles?" the prophet said, beckoning to the poor little alien. Gribbles trotted over to stand beside him, loyalty overcoming utter terror.
 "Gribbles, Do you see that star?" he pointed to the star in question. "That star contains a race, a new species that would be useful for the Covenant. That star," he paused for dramatic effect, "Contains a race of Tomato People, a race we can harvest for food!"
 Gribbles wet himself, but stood in position next to the prophet.
 "We could use that race of Tomato People, and so we will take their world! I want them. I want them NOW!" his last shout carried through the ship like thunder. Gribbles collapsed into a shivering heap on the floor, but Regret continued rambling without noticing.
 "THEY THINK THEY CAN STAY AWAY FROM THE EYE OF THE COVENANT, BUT THEY ARE WRONG! THE GODS SEE ALL! THE GODS SEE ALL!" Gribbles was now crying. "AND THEY HOPE THAT WE WILL SPARE THEM, BUT WE WILL NOT! THEY WILL TREMBLE AS OUR SHIPS TURN THEIR PLANET TO GLASS, AND NOT EVEN THEIR- Oh wait, wrong speech. Ahem..." The prophet looked around to see if anyone had noticed his slip up. Thats when he noticed Gribbles, who was slowly crawling twords the door, crying and shaking.
 " My dear boy, Whatever has gotten into you?" Regret asked sweetly.
 Gribbles collapsed again.

_____________________________________________________

And now we know why we won the war.

[Eduren]

"greater than1000 word stories"

[Karnewarrior]

  whoops...

[Eduren]

Sorry bout that. How about some literary criticism to make things better?

A lot of Gribbles actions don't seem to make sense. Without any further context on the character, the sparse actions we have concerning him are confusing. Why did he wet himself? Fear, awe, timidness? Why did he "collapsed again"? Is there are first time that I am missing? We get that he fears the Prophet but no inkling of why or why his fear affects him so much.

[Karnewarrior]

Sorry bout that. How about some literary criticism to make things better?

A lot of Gribbles actions don't seem to make sense. Without any further context on the character, the sparse actions we have concerning him are confusing. Why did he wet himself? Fear, awe, timidness? Why did he "collapsed again"? Is there are first time that I am missing? We get that he fears the Prophet but no inkling of why or why his fear affects him so much.

1:Fear and timidness. If you've played halo, the grunts seem pretty cowardly, if devout. He was able to stand by the prophet for a while, a testament to his devotion to the Covenant.
2:He collapsed out of utter terror due to Regret ranting. He did it the first time after Regret's shout of NOW! scared the shitlings out of him.
3:I explicitly said,

A grunt [Gribbles] held up his robes some way behind him, putting as much distace as possible between him and the mad prophet muttering softly before the window.

I was attempting to imply that he was afraid of Regret because of the fact that he belives in tomato people.

[Supermikhail]

I think it's very good. Although I would work on the ending (polish The Prophet's words, or extend them, I'd think it would add to the comical value).
I wish I could contribute to this thread. It's really refreshing. But short stories of this caliber are some of the hardest to come up with and to convey.