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[Vector]

When I was a very little girl (5 or so) I had recurrent thoughts about killing people.  Constantly.  Every few minutes I'd think up a new way to destroy the people around me, and how nice it would be, and how I could spend the rest of my life wading through blood. 

That's not normal? Oh shit...

 

In my case, it was just waaaaaay too much stress.  If you're being bothered by similar things, I suggest more chamomile tea and less... whatever you're doing.

[Grakelin]

How much stress is needed to make a 5 year old want to bathe in the blood of her family?

[Vector]

How much stress is needed to make a 5 year old want to bathe in the blood of her family?

Eh, it was mostly that I was completely nonfunctional as far as social skills went, so the transition to kindergarten was a nightmare situation.  I've had similar trouble transitioning to college/Real Life, though with better self-control and less killing things 

[Grakelin]

You want to bathe in the blood of your classmates, too?

This is getting out of hand, Vector.

[Vector]

You want to bathe in the blood of your classmates, too?

This is getting out of hand, Vector.

No, I don't.  I'm sorry if I was at all ambiguous, but that wasn't what I meant--I had a hard time going into kindergarten, and then I had a hard time going off to college.  Kindergarten was marked by being unable to stop thinking about killing people, though I really didn't want to hurt anyone.  College was marked by other sorts of breakdowns, which I will not detail here.  Let's just say that, though I still have an unfortunately short fuse, I'm struggling more with anxiety than unrelenting rage.

There's a reason why I left school, dude.  I recognized things were getting out of hand and, of my own free will (and against the desires of my parents), I withdrew and made sure I'd get some help.  Maybe I'll even be able to make some friends next year, if I learn enough during my time off 

[Aqizzar]

I knew I shouldn't have clicked on this thread.  Whole board's become a litany of self-help for serious mental problems.  But the funny thing is, I happen to fit something like what you're talking about.  Just to be sure though, when you say "recurrent thoughts about killing people", do you mean desire, or just the idea crossing your mind?  Of course, being five years old or whatever, it's probably hard to say.

[Siquo]

I think serious mental problems come with the turf of being intelligent enough to like DF, and thus ending up on these forums.

Being able to see what you are doing/what is happening but not being able to make sense of it, instead of just blindly experiencing life during puberty is a grueling experience. Everyone deals with it differently. I took a lot of drugs in order to become less intelligent, and hence happier. I wouldn't recommend it though, to each his own. And I got off lucky, many who choose that path end up more miserable than they started.

[Vector]

I knew I shouldn't have clicked on this thread.  Whole board's become a litany of self-help for serious mental problems.  But the funny thing is, I happen to fit something like what you're talking about.  Just to be sure though, when you say "recurrent thoughts about killing people", do you mean desire, or just the idea crossing your mind?  Of course, being five years old or whatever, it's probably hard to say.

It was more the desire to be alone through whatever means possible than anything else.  When you're 5, the easiest answer is KILL EVERYONE--and to some extent, there was a certain desire attached.  Not as in "I actually want to kill these people, with all of the meaning that has with respect to these individuals, their communities, and their families."  It was more "it would get rid of them, so I want to do it."

I never attacked anyone, hurt anyone, or threatened anyone (at that point.  Got in some fights later and developed an unfunny sense of humor for a while, but that's a different story).  Eventually I just withdrew into a pile of books, and the problem went away almost immediately.  There's a number of ways to get rid of people other than killing them off, as I discovered.  I'll admit that the problem came back for a while last year, when I found that I was utterly incapable of holding a conversation on even the most rudimentary level and couldn't really understand sarcasm, humor, or body language.  It was rather a frustrating setback, after some 19 years of diligent study on the subject.  See, I worked through high school on things like "learning how to smile" and "moving away from total robot-speak," and once I'd gotten the really bad things taken care of I thought I was done.  The discovery that I wasn't was disturbing, to say the least.

I suppose I've become more accustomed to my circumstances, though, and accepted the fact that I'm probably going to be something of a loner for the rest of my life.  With great intelligence comes great mental instability, and the life most people lead is frankly not suitable for me.  All I can do is work to soften my edges, with the hope that I'll be able to at least partially wedge myself into society someday.


... And now I realize that the motivation for your question may have not necessitated such a verbose answer, but I'm leaving it anyway.  Hopefully you can make sense of it all.

[Vulkan]

I can kind of relate to that I suppose.

As a young child, my parents split up. That was only the beginning, as it were.

When I first went to school, I hated it, I just wanted to go home, but eventually I adjusted and made friends. Some of them were alright, others less so, but it wasn't until my later childhood/early teen years that things really started to take a turn for the worst. Granted, I was acquainted early on with death. I rather liked this Math teacher who taught kids with "Special needs" (I always hated doing the formulas). She was a really awesome teacher. One day her husband goes insane and shoots her in the head, then himself. At the time I wasn't too affected by it, at least, I didn't really think so, after all people I've known had died before then. I didn't really dwell on it until later.

In my last couple grade school years, I had this group of friends, we were a very violent bunch, I was the de-facto leader of this group. Everyone in this group respected me, and did my bidding. I ruled with an iron fist, through force of arms. I was always thinking about killing people, not because I wanted to be alone and get rid of them, but because it just seemed like something that would be fun I guess. After all, fighting was fun, surely killing would be even better!

Well, things really started to change during my the end of my first year of high school. A lot of close family members started dying from random things, a kid I knew at school (and didn't really like, granted) died in a freak accident, my awesome music teacher got hit by a car. I didn't really think death was so awesome then. My friends still did, however, and because of family issues (My Mother had a lot of asshole boyfriends over the years, who did both verbally abuse her, as well as my brother and I, and hit us) I was already going through a tough time with my Mother just splitting from her most recent boyfriend. I began to really start thinking about things, dwelling on things, like the matter of existence, life, the point of all of it. My "friends" of course did not understand, it wasn't long before a coupe was staged and I just altogether withdrew, I quit school and spent two years at home in seclusion for the most part, only leaving for family things or the cottage, and only really seeing family. I fought my demons, and fought hard. I won't go into much detail on that, as there were stranger things going on, though whether they were just insane paranoid delusion or not I cannot say, but two years after that I felt I had recovered enough to attempt living again, so I went back to school, and completed it.

Now, well, I just broke up with my girlfriend last week, but other than that I'm doing just fine.

[cowofdoom78963]

I think serious mental problems come with the turf of being intelligent enough to like DF, and thus ending up on these forums.

With great intelligence comes great mental instability,

People. Please dont think that intelligence causes mental problems.

Dont make damn excuses for yourselves. Every time you tell youself that your intelligence comes at a price the more you are going to believe it. Sometimes you have to accept when you just haven't been trying hard enough.

[Vector]

People. Please dont think that intelligence causes mental problems.

Dont make damn excuses for yourselves. Every time you tell youself that your intelligence comes at a price the more you are going to believe it. Sometimes you have to accept when you just haven't been trying hard enough.

I understand your point, but sometimes you also have to accept that, no matter how hard you try, you aren't going to fit in that "normal" mold.  It's not about finding an excuse.  It's about forgiving myself for having certain weaknesses that I must diligently work to resolve, rather than expecting everything to be solved as quickly as a math problem.

[Grakelin]

People. Please dont think that intelligence causes mental problems.

Dont make damn excuses for yourselves. Every time you tell youself that your intelligence comes at a price the more you are going to believe it. Sometimes you have to accept when you just haven't been trying hard enough.

The reverse is actually true.

Sociopaths tend to have higher IQs. People have disagreed with me on this before, so if anybody is actually going to call me on this, just ask me for my source before you break off into a three paragraph tangent about how wrong you are and I will go upstairs to my bookshelf and provide you the publication information for my sources.

[Aqizzar]

I think it's the self-reinforcing problem that intelligent people also tend towards obsession (which might actually be reversed, if you believe intelligence is a product of learning and not an inherent trait) and habitual self-analysis.  In other words, the more brainpower you have, the more likely you are to spend inordinate amounts of time worrying about how crazy you are, consequently driving yourself crazy.  You can add that into the frustration at being unable to relate with people you believe less intelligent (not necessarily without reason).

[cowofdoom78963]

I understand your point, but sometimes you also have to accept that, no matter how hard you try, you aren't going to fit in that "normal" mold.  It's not about finding an excuse.  It's about forgiving myself for having certain weaknesses that I must diligently work to resolve, rather than expecting everything to be solved as quickly as a math problem.

Just dont think you have to have serious mental problems if you are smart.

The reverse is actually true.

Sociopaths tend to have higher IQs.

Doesn't mean you have to be sociopath to have a high IQ.

[Vector]

I understand your point, but sometimes you also have to accept that, no matter how hard you try, you aren't going to fit in that "normal" mold.  It's not about finding an excuse.  It's about forgiving myself for having certain weaknesses that I must diligently work to resolve, rather than expecting everything to be solved as quickly as a math problem.

Just dont think you have to have serious mental problems if you are smart.

Nope.  I know loads of smart and stable people.  I just have the unluck to have gotten what seems to be a bit more smart in exchange for a lot more crazy.