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[Dwarven WMD]

Alright, I'm going to sound pretty insane, sorry. But this has bothered me for a long time, and I just finished crying to my parents about it, as pathetic as it sounds.
Look, as crazy as I sound, please try to support me or whatever it calls for. I don't know how to handle this.

Alright, first of all, I'm fourteen, but generally regarded as highly intelligent. However, my past is a bit troubled. Regardless, however, I've tried to stand up against the odds. I've tried to run forward through the thick of it. I want to make it by regardless of my past. And, when I'm done with school, I want to make my father proud before he dies.

This is all beside the point though, which is why it's basically a summary. But it may help slightly, I don't know.

My mother died when I was in third grade. I never cried at the funeral, but the entire year I did horribly. All I did was eat junk food, drink soda, play video games, and watch TV. My grades were horrible. Looking back, I guess I was suppressing the depression and using those distractions to get by. But in fourth grade, I developed thoughts that scare me, as ludicrous as that sounds.
These thoughts are basically over life itself. I think of existence, my life, the life of those around me, afterlives, everything. I don't know why I think these thoughts, but I do, and I wish I could just forget them. I've thought that if I think these thoughts, that something bad could happen. Like I could just be sitting here, think about existence, and suddenly everything will end. I know these are crazed thoughts, but I can't help them. They scare me to no end. These thoughts themselves make me afraid of what they are about. An hour ago I attempted to sleep them off, fear stopped me for thoughts of dreams.

I hate to sound like a lunatic, but I'm at the road where I just don't know what to do. I talked to my parents and cried while they tried to comfort me. I'm afraid of myself, believing I'm crazy. I'm at a point where I'm worried about what these thoughts may do, and if I'm crazy.
I know I may be sounding insane, which I've said a few times before, but I need advice. I need help. I need some sort of guidance or anything, because I'm lost at what to do.

[Pillow_Killer]

Er... Seek help of a professional psychologist or a counsellor?

[Dwarven WMD]

I tried that, but it only worked for a few days before I had my next little thought episode.
Allow me to reword this, I went for a few months, but after the first week I had the thoughts again. I continued for a bit longer before I told my parents it wasn't helping anymore.

I guess what I'm really looking for here is support from anyone else who has ever felt like this. I don't really know how to go about fixing this.

[Dakk]

Eh, you should really just keep talking to your parents about it, or seek a psychiatrist or psychologist. I doubt any pseudo-intellectual will be able to help you out, unless we have a psychology student on the forums? If we do, then I hope he shows up soon so I can point and laugh at him/her.

EDIT: I like Pillow_Killer's avatar.

[Hyndis]

There's even a wiki article on it.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Existential_crisis

You're not alone. Everyone must confront this at one time or another in their life. 

To be or not to be– that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles
 And, by opposing, end them. To die, to sleep
 No more – and by a sleep to say we end
 The heartache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to – ‘tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wished. To die, to sleep
To sleep, perchance to dream. Ay, there's the rub,
 For in that sleep of death what dreams may come,
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
 Must give us pause. There's the respect
That makes calamity of so long life.
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,
Th’ oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely,
The pangs of despised love, the law's delay,
The insolence of office, and the spurns
That patient merit of th’ unworthy takes,
When he himself might his quietus make
With a bare bodkin? Who would fardels bear,
To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
But that the dread of something after death,
 The undiscovered country from whose bourn
No traveler returns, puzzles the will
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?
 Thus conscience does make cowards of us all,
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,
 And enterprises of great pitch and moment
With this regard their currents turn awry,
 And lose the name of action.—Soft you now!
The fair Ophelia! Nymph, in thy orisons
Be all my sins remembered.

[Hyndis]

Eh, you should really just keep talking to your parents about it, or seek a psychiatrist or psychologist. I doubt any pseudo-intellectual will be able to help you out, unless we have a psychology student on the forums? If we do, then I hope he shows up soon so I can point and laugh at him/her.

Psychology and philosopher are useful tools to help in understanding, but in the end, we must all confront the fact of our own mortality. Some people do it early on, some never come to terms even until the very end.

There really are no easy answers, but its a part of growing up. Just one of those thoughts that needs to be wrestled with.



Now if it the case that you are actively contemplating finding out sooner rather than later, that is indeed a problem. I recommend finding some professional support in that case, such as a school counselor. Thats what they're there for.

I figure that we will all experience death eventually. Why hurry it along? I want to experience everything else I can experience. Hurry it along and you miss out on lots of things. Its a one way path.

Finish up that one part of the game before moving on to the next part, enjoys everything you can because once you pass that checkpoint you can't move back.

[Dwarven WMD]

It really depends on what you mean by actively contemplating. The thoughts have reoccurred throughout about four to five years or so. But repeatedly. There are some times when I'll go without the thoughts, then a while later they come back.

[Rafal99]

There's even a wiki article on it.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Existential_crisis

You're not alone. Everyone must confront this at one time or another in their life. 

Omg I have exactly this... For about a year or even two...
At least since my grandparents died and I failed the studies...

[Hyndis]

It really depends on what you mean by actively contemplating. The thoughts have reoccurred throughout about four to five years or so. But repeatedly. There are some times when I'll go without the thoughts, then a while later they come back.

Just keep yourself busy. Keep doing stuff. Work, school, whatever. Doesn't matter what you do as long as you're productive in some way.

Even dwarves get happy thoughts from being productive. 

Dwelling on things, alone and in isolation is extremely unhealthy. The mind turns in on itself and devours itself.

[Vector]

I guess what I'm really looking for here is support from anyone else who has ever felt like this. I don't really know how to go about fixing this.

Ah.  I don't know precisely what kind of negative thoughts you're talking about, but I'll give it a shot...

When I was a very little girl (5 or so) I had recurrent thoughts about killing people.  Constantly.  Every few minutes I'd think up a new way to destroy the people around me, and how nice it would be, and how I could spend the rest of my life wading through blood.  My parents had no idea what to do, yadda yadda, and thought it was because they'd been pushing me too hard academically (I was doing algebra at that point and reading at a 5th grade level because of their tutelage).

Turned out I was going insane because of an inability to function in society, so after I stopped talking to people and retreated into my books, I wasn't nuts anymore.  Of course, that made me a different kind of insane thanks to not really talking much for the first 15 years or so of my life, but at least I was kind of stable, if still depressed.

Now, if you're wondering about the point to that story and how it could possibly have anything to do with you, I'm trying to say this: there's often a lot of obvious reasons for depression and madness, and they can often be the wrong answer.  People have so many reasons to hurt that they can't just be unraveled like a flower--so my advice is that you learn to know yourself.  Don't just look at the obvious reasons.  Look at everything and try to fix whatever is making you hurt.  There are lots of terrible states to be in, and if you understand how your mind works, then they're a lot easier to push through.


And, as far as being successful goes... well, I don't want to sound like a braggart, but I figure I might as well talk about that, too.  Apologies if I offend anyone (you shouldn't be offended, but I've had some people get bothered when I talk about these things, so.... please accept my apologies if I irritate you).

I've had panic attacks, been beaten up and bullied, and starved myself.  I've contemplated suicide, hallucinated vividly, suffered from split-second moodswings from euphoria to depression to rage.  I'm constantly frightened, don't really know how to make friends, and have been deeply unhappy for most of my life (though it is getting better over time--huzzah!).

I'm still one of the top mathematics students at one of the best universities in the world, and started the rudiments of graduate work at the age of 19--even though I'd only been scraping B's in the subject throughout high school.  Believe in yourself.  You are capable of more than you can possibly imagine.



Pre-post edit:

Just keep yourself busy. Keep doing stuff. Work, school, whatever. Doesn't matter what you do as long as you're productive in some way.

This works for some things.  I will warn you, however, that if you don't address your problems, you can just end up screwing yourself even harder.  Though dwelling on things is bad, things can become troublesome if you never think things through and resolve your issues.

[eerr]

Well I suppose you could redirect your life to bend and warp your life around something like the person above.

Instead though, what is the origin of these thoughts? these ideas?
What influenced you to think this way.

[Vector]

Instead though, what is the origin of these thoughts? these ideas?
What influenced you to think this way.

Bah, that was the point.  Sorry if it didn't come across that way... I'm all for introspection.  I mostly meant to say that success is not impossible for the crazy.

[Krelos]

I've felt this way more or less for the last 7 years. I think of it, for my own version anyway, as the result of a Nihilistic Epiphany.
Basically I believe that nothing I do matters unless it makes someone else happy. And unless I am doing something with that goal in mind, I am totally wasting my time and effort. I decided that I would have to live my life in such a way as to ultimately try to bring joy to other people, because if I didn't, I might as well take my own life, because nothing else matters.

I realize that that sounds very cut and dried, but it's not. Nobody is selfless and doing things to try to make others happy is not what comes naturally to humans. I am one who can sit and think about things for hours, tying in many variables and predicting the outcomes. But I know that I cant include everything and that I cant truly predict the future. What I have to do is keep working forward and trusting that things will lead to my eventual, lasting, happiness.

Spoiler: A bit of religious stuff (click to show/hide)

To be even more honest, I am Christian, I believe in God and believe in the final obliteration of the lost in hell (not the eternal torture most will tell you about, but I digress..) And because of this I believe that anything I do in this life that is not working toward the salvation of others is pointless and a waste of time.
Playing games like DF falls into that; I'm still human and still selfish and still deal with temptation and laziness. Nobody is perfect.
I trust in God that my life will lead to my eventual lasting happiness and that of others. I honestly don't know if there is a good way to overcome a Nihilistic Epiphany without God.
I say 'a good way' because I'm pretty sure that the other option, for me, would have been to embrace the nothingness and become a total sociopath.

[Dwarven WMD]

That wiki article was pretty much on the money of my symptoms.

The origins though, I believe, is the trauma I've experienced through my, although short, life. What's more, I bottle most things up, only letting them out in times of great depression. Letting out enough emotion to equalize the pressure slightly, so to speak.
After mulling over it slightly, I've theorized I've just bottled so much up that it's making existential dread.

Still, I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one out there that has felt like this.

[Hyndis]

Everything is pointless. Everything!   

Even the pyramids will eventually turn to dust and be gone. Completely gone. The sun itself will burn out after first vaporizing the inner planets. In the end it does not matter. Whatever we do does not matter in the end.

And I take comfort in it.

You only got one shot at things. Maybe 80-100 years or something, depending on health and genetics, and quite a bit of luck. Make the best of it. Live a good, happy life. Be honest and productive, try to make your tiny little corner of the universe a bit better, and thats all you can possibly hope for.

Don't try to take on the entire universe. You will lose, and you will make no difference. Do the little things. They count, and they add up. Just be a good person, live honest, and live a happy life and thats quite enough meaning in life for me.