Alright, I'm going to sound pretty insane, sorry. But this has bothered me for a long time, and I just finished crying to my parents about it, as pathetic as it sounds.
Look, as crazy as I sound, please try to support me or whatever it calls for. I don't know how to handle this.
Alright, first of all, I'm fourteen, but generally regarded as highly intelligent. However, my past is a bit troubled. Regardless, however, I've tried to stand up against the odds. I've tried to run forward through the thick of it. I want to make it by regardless of my past. And, when I'm done with school, I want to make my father proud before he dies.
This is all beside the point though, which is why it's basically a summary. But it may help slightly, I don't know.
My mother died when I was in third grade. I never cried at the funeral, but the entire year I did horribly. All I did was eat junk food, drink soda, play video games, and watch TV. My grades were horrible. Looking back, I guess I was suppressing the depression and using those distractions to get by. But in fourth grade, I developed thoughts that scare me, as ludicrous as that sounds.
These thoughts are basically over life itself. I think of existence, my life, the life of those around me, afterlives, everything. I don't know why I think these thoughts, but I do, and I wish I could just forget them. I've thought that if I think these thoughts, that something bad could happen. Like I could just be sitting here, think about existence, and suddenly everything will end. I know these are crazed thoughts, but I can't help them. They scare me to no end. These thoughts themselves make me afraid of what they are about. An hour ago I attempted to sleep them off, fear stopped me for thoughts of dreams.
I hate to sound like a lunatic, but I'm at the road where I just don't know what to do. I talked to my parents and cried while they tried to comfort me. I'm afraid of myself, believing I'm crazy. I'm at a point where I'm worried about what these thoughts may do, and if I'm crazy.
I know I may be sounding insane, which I've said a few times before, but I need advice. I need help. I need some sort of guidance or anything, because I'm lost at what to do.