Alright, I'm going to sound pretty insane, sorry. But this has bothered me for a long time, and I just finished crying to my parents about it, as pathetic as it sounds.
Look, as crazy as I sound, please try to support me or whatever it calls for. I don't know how to handle this.
Alright, first of all, I'm fourteen, but generally regarded as highly intelligent. However, my past is a bit troubled. Regardless, however, I've tried to stand up against the odds. I've tried to run forward through the thick of it. I want to make it by regardless of my past. And, when I'm done with school, I want to make my father proud before he dies.
Sounds good. You seem especially concerned your father is going to die. Is he terribly old or terminally ill? I would avoid putting too much thought into your father's mortality, though it might be hard since you have already lost a parent. My father is in the Canadian Armed Forces, and he's been sent overseas thrice so far (Once to Golan Heights, which was actually pretty tame, like a resort posting, once to Afghanistan, and just last month to Haiti, with a potential fourth to Afghanistan at some point in the future). He could be rocketed at any moment, especially since his role as a carpenter involved constructing pillars of Western Imperialism (Wendy's and Tim Hortons) on Afghan soil. It can be hard not to think about your father dying sometimes, but if you just push that out of your mind and focus primarily on how cool he is, you'll win points at life.
My mother died when I was in third grade. I never cried at the funeral, but the entire year I did horribly. All I did was eat junk food, drink soda, play video games, and watch TV. My grades were horrible. Looking back, I guess I was suppressing the depression and using those distractions to get by.
That's one theory, I guess, but this is exactly what I did in third grade, and I was not depressed.
But in fourth grade, I developed thoughts that scare me, as ludicrous as that sounds.
These thoughts are basically over life itself. I think of existence, my life, the life of those around me, afterlives, everything. I don't know why I think these thoughts, but I do, and I wish I could just forget them. I've thought that if I think these thoughts, that something bad could happen. Like I could just be sitting here, think about existence, and suddenly everything will end. I know these are crazed thoughts, but I can't help them. They scare me to no end. These thoughts themselves make me afraid of what they are about. An hour ago I attempted to sleep them off, fear stopped me for thoughts of dreams.
I hate to sound like a lunatic, but I'm at the road where I just don't know what to do. I talked to my parents and cried while they tried to comfort me. I'm afraid of myself, believing I'm crazy. I'm at a point where I'm worried about what these thoughts may do, and if I'm crazy.
I know I may be sounding insane, which I've said a few times before, but I need advice. I need help. I need some sort of guidance or anything, because I'm lost at what to do.
When I was sixteen, I became convinced that I had the power to stop time. Instead of working in my French class (read: Instead of playing my gameboy), I would just stare at the clock and try to train my power so that I could do it for longer than a few seconds. Eventually, when I realized that I only stopped the clock, I started to thinking it might be telekinesis. When I realized that the clock only stopped when the seconds hand passed the '4', it dawned on me that maybe I didn't have super powers after all (except my ultra handsomeness). Man, that was embarrassing
Also, even to this day, I sometimes grow paranoid that people around me can read my mind, and I focus very strongly on telling them to get out of my head by thought-shouting (does this make sense?) at them, even though this is completely ridiculous. This is only with strangers, though, and when I'm not with a group, so it hasn't actually affected my life in any way other than being an amusing distraction which prevents me from contemplating genius.
When I was 12 or 13, I started to wonder if the world was actually real, or if I was actually in a simulation, and everything was a computer game that I was playing in the future. I eschewed this idea when I realized what a shitty game it is, where you have to actively go out and seek additional forms of entertainment just to enjoy yourself, and misfortunes befall you that cause suffering. Then again, maybe my sick, twisted future-self enjoys those kinds of games, and everybody I am talking to right now really
is a simulation. I will never know for sure.
When I was 9 or 10, I saw a trailer for the Brenden Fraser movie where he sells his soul to the devil, and I was so afraid of being tempted myself that I promised God I would worship him forever if he prevented me from doing so. Of course, I didn't follow through on this promise.
What I'm saying is that it's really common for these existentialist pseudo-philosophical things to occur to people, but they're just really silly. The sooner you admit to yourself that you aren't a god, the better off you'll be. There is no point worrying about it. There's also nothing we can do to help you, because it's entirely in your head. Try focusing on something that is mentally taxing. I've found that the more challenging the things I do are, the less idle time I get to think of silly ideas.
It's a double-edged sword, though, and you will subsequently have severe writer's block and have to actually work to write creatively for the rest of your life. Ironic how this happens just when you get old enough to actually be capable of producing fine literature, right?
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Topic: I'm basically in need of... Well I just don't know. (Read 7481 times)