Print

Please login or register.
1 Hour 1 Day 1 Week 1 Month Forever
Login with username, password and session length

[Cthulhu]

Someone I used to hang out with in elementary school used the "Well, there's only a limited number of spaces in heaven, so in securing yours you're damning others to hell" argument.  Made the dudes cry.  I can't remember if they never came back after that, but it seemed to work pretty well.

That's when you give them a hug, tell them the 144,000 is symbolic, and that anyone can go to heaven if they want to.  Then everyone hugs and it becomes Peacehammer 40k

[Jude]

Ideas:

-Pretend not to speak English and hope they're not the Spanish-speaking kind. One time I had a couple Mormons show up and to my relief, they were specifically looking for Spanish-speaking families

-A FUNNY sign. Like I saw one once that was all old-timey looking and said "No religion or firewood pedlars (sic)". Looks less hostile and tacky that way

-Crank up some dance music and start party-boy-ing them

[Heron TSG]

Also, are they hitting up every house on your street, or just yours? You might have an LDS neighbor that's sending them your way for some reason (i.e. they think you're nice people). I know the missionaries stop by our house to ask for intel on the neighbors every now and then.

It's actually quite the widespread plague. They're all over the County, and even my friends who live 4+ miles out of town get door-to-door missionaries.

*This is in a town where you can NOT walk three blocks without running into a church. Only one of them is Mormon, however.

[Cheddarius]

I'd like to know how this goes.

[Enzo]

Step 1) Set a timer.

Step 2) Invite them inside, ask their names.

Step 3) At the earliest available opportunity, say "Hey do you guys want to play some <insert 2-player video game of preference>?"

Step 4) Regardless of their answer, start playing and play until they leave.

Step 5) Record their time.

Or alternatively just invite them inside and have fun generally acting like as much of a dick as you can. They consider it their moral obligation to save your soul, it's fun to see how much they can take before this loyalty wavers.

I am not a bad person. They will only receive as much as they are willing to subject themselves to.

You may wish to note that Mormons =/= Jehovah's witnesses.

This is true. I've had extensive (non-solicitous) experience with both and I'm not going to call them both crazy, I am just going to say they are equally sane, however sane that may be.

[Cheddarius]

Open the door and start reciting The Raven over and over again.

[Grimith]

I have some experience in dealing with JWs, and the most effective method I've tried is positive communication. Question them about their religion, accept whatever material they have to offer, and request a number/card you can contact in the event you have further questions. I found the missionaries quite understanding when I told them that they couldn't force-brute me into their faith; I needed to accept The Word on my own time, in my own way, or else I would only be going through the motions, not really believing.

Granted, my suggestion takes time and effort, but no, I've found, takes more. So does ignoring the door.

[Heron TSG]

Yeah, pretending to go along with what they're saying is what got me into this mess; they won't stop coming back to drop off a 'new' propaganda CD or to see how we're doing in the 'conversion process'.

[Grimith]

In that case, I'm glad Mormons missionaries don't live here. Since you pretty much shot my suggestion in the face, I'll have to fall back on the sign idea. No solicitors, private property, BEWARE OF DOG... Trespassers may be subject to penalties under law. Something. I don't feel it needs to be a funny sign because they're infringing on your way of life.

Hope you manage to fix the problem, whether it is through signage - or, ultimately, goat sacrifice.

[DJ]

Attempt to convert them to Emperor worship. Give them a copy of The Imperial Infantryman's Uplifting Primer or something.

[Bardum Idith]

Tell them about Dwarf Fortress and offer some kitten meat.

[chaoticag]

Chalk outline by the sidewalk in front of your house? (Just add ketchup)

If you don't mind being sacriligious, an upside down cross might help. The whole point is to look so beyond saving, they don't show up. Or at least make their approach inconvinient enough to keep them away, without bothering other guests.

I guess you might be able to get an anatomically correct skeleton from... somewhere, and "hang" it from the roof gutter thing?

[Volatar]

Chalk outline by the sidewalk in front of your house? (Just add ketchup)

Keep in mind that these guys are all 19-21 year olds. They are often as mischevious, if not more so, than you. Humor just makes them want to come back for more

Tell them about Dwarf Fortress and offer some kitten meat.

Lol. You would be surprised how many mormons play DF... 

Anyways, there are two foolproof methods to keep mormon missionaries away.

1: Become Mormon. Seriously, it works.
2: Claim you are a Jehova's Witness and shut the door.

[Jimmy]

Note that while I'm not religious, I have a fair amount of experience in this area. I have family who have converted to JW, and my best friend married a girl whose family is Mormon.

As noted, the reason you're in this mess is that you showed interest. That was your first mistake. These people are commonly greeted with two words: "Not interested." Then the door closes. Anything else will encourage them to return.

If you genuinely don't want them to call again, tell them outright. Don't use theatrics like goat meat or upside-down crosses. They know it's not real, and you're only making a fool of yourself.

These groups will often maintain lists of houses at which they are not welcome. When they call again next, simply ask that they do not call at your house again. Request that they inform the senior members of their religion that you and your household do not wish to be contacted by their religion in the future.

This will often prevent further contact. Note that it's not foolproof, and they'll probably send someone every year or so to check if you've moved. But in the majority of cases, they won't return.

Note that it's nice to be polite when doing this. Behind the cheap suits and pamphlets, they're quite often genuinely wonderful people. They have deep religious and moral beliefs that guide their lives and make them strive to better themselves. Unfortunately it includes attempting to convert those around them too, but being direct about your own feelings can avoid further embarrassment.

[Cheddarius]

lies, all lies

The only way to prevent them annoying you is to channel out your porch, build a bridge over it, connect it to a lever, and pull the lever.

Cage traps will also do in a pinch.