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[immibis]

What's the best way to kill bedridden nobles?

[Lordcryst]

Unleash an untamed dragon in the room?

Flood it with magma?

Flood it with water?

Or you can dedicate a megaproject to killing him.

[Hyndis]

Fill the room with water or magma, or release a hostile creature into their room.

Or you can simply lock the door and they will starve to death.



However, if it is your hammerer that is bedridden, great! 

Keep him alive! You will never get a new hammerer, and if a cave crocodile ate both legs, his right arm, left hand, both eyes, and nibbled on his brain and liver he will never dish out any hammerings ever again, and so you can safely ignore the other nobles from then on. Their demands become meaningless at that point.

[Jim Groovester]

The easiest way is locking the door.

But you asked for the best way.

I would choose to make that particular noble's room a sort of toilet, where you can flood water in and it will swirl him through a drain. The drain could lead to a deep lake, where he will drown peacefully.

If he doesn't drown, because I might be kind and make an escape, I might decide just to keep him around, for being awesome enough to survive a dangerous death trap while he would normally be bedridden.

[bmaczero]

If he escaped I'd kill him again for pretending to be bedridden just to get out of doing the little work he already does.

[Jordrake]

I'd suggest capturing the most vicious thing you can get your hands on and releasing it in his room. Preferably something tiny, so it takes forever to kill him. Vicarious meatgodding.

[HmH]

If you don't mind wasting about an hour or two of time and want something ironic, I recommend making a 2x1 pit with a silver hammer in a weapon trap and flushing him down there. Whenever he passes out, he sets off a trap and gets hammered. Thanks to silver's damage modifier, he will not die easily.
If you mean "best" in "most effective" sense, fire a ballista at him or simply lock the door. You may also try cave-ins, but I'd leave them for not-bedridden nobles.

[JoshBrickstien]

Flood the room with water. then release the carp.

[Urist Imiknorris]

I second the ballista.

[Ze Spy]

cave ins

[Rafal99]

Yeah build a ballista next to his bed then fire it. Use steel ballista arrow just to be sure.
The only downside is that it will generate lots of hauling jobs to gather all the chunks afterward.

[Sir Iryn]

I second the ballista.

Quickest, easiest, and often most overlooked method. I always keep one on hand with a lever in case the ruling class gets uppity.

Just imagine it though, a couple dwarves wheeling it in, taking careful aim at the noble in bed, and WHAMMO!

BTW, has anyone seen The Gamers?

[Sordid]

BTW, has anyone seen The Gamers?

Oh yes. I was reminded of that scene the moment the ballista idea came up.

[dwarfguy2]

no but one of my plans is to have a dwarvern gamer, with a 3x3 square of blocks, a window in the front, and an engraving of a dwarf in the middle.

[Sinistar]

However, if it is your hammerer that is bedridden, great! 

Keep him alive! You will never get a new hammerer...

I beg to differ, fellow Bay Watcher!
As an expert noble killer (that is, in quantity not quality) I can safely say you always get a new hammerer. As well as baron, tax collector, duke etc. At least till those nobles, generated at the start of new world and during history, all die out, I am guessing.

Cannot say for the King/Queen though, last time I killed him/her there was no replacemet arriving yet.