Print

Please login or register.
1 Hour 1 Day 1 Week 1 Month Forever
Login with username, password and session length

[Geti]

Awesome katsuun!
Damn I need more time that I have at the moment. I've been so caught up in friends on the weekends and school and work during the week that I haven't written a page in days

[Supermikhail]

@Katsuun: Yay!... Editin', I suppose?

My comments:
    I don't understand these gods at all. As I perceive it, they change their styles constantly. At times they're childish, at other times - kind of cocky. Without any motive.

   Peasants never bring drink to workers outside! DF mechanic violation!

   ... That volcano definitely won't fit on stage... Or on set.

   The script definitely on a high note, but something is wrong with the structure.

   Why do they make statues for them? I'd think the incident was quite insignificant, and largely unnoticed.

   Finally, what? Who threw the pick into magma? Who left the parchment? Who sent the kobolds? Hey! You can't resolve all your plot points with a single explosion! It just isn't done...
I see what you tried to do, but an unresolved mystery just doesnt' work here. First, there are too many of them, second, there are too few clues for us to base our guesses on.

However, congratulations. 104 pages 5 days ahead of time. Impressive.

[Katsuun]

For extreme legnth and such:

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

My comments:
    I don't understand these gods at all. As I perceive it, they change their styles constantly. At times they're childish, at other times - kind of cocky. Without any motive.

They're gods. Much like in Umineko with the Witches; they do whatever the hell they feel like doing and thus tend to have very unfixed personalities. Besides, cockiness and arrogance are childish traits; aren't they?

   Peasants never bring drink to workers outside! DF mechanic violation!

Screw the rules I have plot.

   ... That volcano definitely won't fit on stage... Or on set.

   The script definitely on a high note, but something is wrong with the structure.


   Why do they make statues for them? I'd think the incident was quite insignificant, and largely unnoticed.

   Finally, what? Who threw the pick into magma? Who left the parchment? Who sent the kobolds? Hey! You can't resolve all your plot points with a single explosion! It just isn't done...
I see what you tried to do, but an unresolved mystery just doesnt' work here. First, there are too many of them, second, there are too few clues for us to base our guesses on.

I really think the problem here is the medium- since this is an adaption of When they Cry- a script really doesn't make much sense since this would really be an episodic thing. Most details of the mystery are given away at later points (and a few important things were mentioned in this Episode); but the goal was never to tell the whole story in one sitting. For instance, the statues thing is a bit related to Soli and Sikie which won't be revealed for quite some time. If I had my way this would have been done in kinetic novel style with Renpy Game Maker, but I don't have the time to do something that large.

   ... That volcano definitely won't fit on stage... Or on set.

I'll give you that... but as I said before this is supposed to be episodic. So it would probably be an animated series or kinetic novel.

However, congratulations. 104 pages 5 days ahead of time. Impressive.

Awesome katsuun!
Damn I need more time that I have at the moment. I've been so caught up in friends on the weekends and school and work during the week that I haven't written a page in days

Well done Katsuun. Bravo Indeed.

And thank you all.  That was really exhausting though- I may not even bother to edit this one for a while; if at all.

[mendonca]

I won ...

www.zen102301.zen.co.uk/writing/The Silk Dolls.pdf

Celtx crashed after I had just printed a PDF of a BARE MINIMUM 100 pages.

Still, I'm calling that my first draft and a winner. I just need to take the stuff from the pdf and put it back in to Celtx at some point before finishing it off and editing it.

I'm going to bed.

[Katsuun]

Congratulations!

[Os Q]

20 pages.  Oh well, I'll finish this in May, after graduation.

[Supermikhail]

Hey, mendonca, I've finally read your script. Brings back good old sci-fi thriller vibes.

Now, my criticisms, as I'm used to.

Don't use parentheses in dialogue. You cannot talk in parentheses.

There, Their and They're I've once read in a book that one director wouldn't even look through a screenplay if it's got bad grammar.

Something's lacking in the overall structure. At a half-way point I suddenly felt bored. And I guess it was because at that point there was almost no conflict: we know who Flash is, where he comes from, we know what the low-life is going to do, and Susan is a side character with too much screen time (but without any real development). I felt it was going to be completely predictable. I think if you inserted more cynicism into Roy & Co. it would work better.

In the end, I'd say the Louise and the other one's conflict is left unresolved for no good reason. And Casper's death is unsatisfactory, seeing as his development has been quite good. Susan is let be too easily, as she seems to value money and human affection equally.

I won't go over the sci-fi science... I won't show a nerd of myself, it is not one of main aspects of the script.

[mendonca]

Hey thanks Supermikhail ... it's awesome that you actually read the script!

And your feedback and advice is very much appreciated, and yeah, I twigged so many times whilst writing that I kept getting the 'Their / There / Theyre' mixed up, it is definitely first on the list when I put some time aside to clean up the grammar. I guess that's a side effect of bashing out the script, stream-of-consciousness style, in about 20 odd hours at the keyboard (they do all sound the same in your head, after all).

Also, yeah I didn't really want Casper to get killed in that way, but that's what got wrote! I'll definitely re-think that point in the story in the next draft.

Hey, don't worry if you want to rip apart the science, it is supposed to be slightly absurd, but if you wanna give it both barrels, feel free! I'm really not sensitive.

Thanks again, Super stuff, Supermikhail.

[Willfor]

I didn't get it this April, however, that was not unexpected.

Congratulations to those who did.

[Supermikhail]

@mendonca

Not science, but grammar. As you've done it in your post, I feel I must bring it up. You use some strange verb tenses. For example, "but that's what got wrote!" should be "but that's what got written!" according to the rules I've studied. And you do it in the script in quite a few places. Another point in need of correction.

I believe we've got two winners. Not bad, actually.

[mendonca]

@ Supermikhail ...

re. 'thats what got wrote' was deliberate, it's supposed to be mildly humorous, kind of ... mocking someone who can't use English properly? There's probably a word for it ...

"they don't speak proper like what I do" is a similar joke.

Whether it's funny or not is a different question, but it's occasionally used in a humorous manner, in this type of context, around these parts.

re. grammar errors throughout the script, yeah, I can imagine. Hopefully I can pick most of them up if I read it through properly. It may be deliberate in places in the script as well, but I'll bear that in mind.

re. Science :

I won't go over the sci-fi science... I won't show a nerd of myself,

I thought you wanted to pick apart the dodgy pseudo-science prevalent throughout the script, but restrained yourself? If not, sorry I misunderstood.

[Supermikhail]

No, I kind of wanted to, but not overwhelmingly. It's enough to say that it's not how genetics work at all, but your script has got this sci-fi feel about it that says "it's a staple of the genre, what do you want?"